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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother terrified of getting his girlfriend pregnant

36 replies

summerflowerbean · 30/12/2021 19:50

I have name changed for this post, I am not a troll I promise!

My younger brother who is 21 and autistic has been in his first ever relationship for the past few months. For some context me and my brother have a very close relationship so coming to me for advice like this is completely normal for us. So after seeing him over Christmas he told me that he is terrified of his girlfriend getting pregnant. He assured me that his girlfriend is on the pill and he wears a condom every time they have sex but he has bad anxiety over an accident happening.

Brother thinks he is being reckless as he admitted to me that him and his girlfriend have been having quite a lot of sex and my brother has got it in to his head that the amount of sex they are having an accident is bound to happen and it is inevitable.

I told him that the only way who can 100% be sure not to get pregnant is just not have sex at all, however I told him that he's not being reckless and to not worry as long as you wear a condom and his girlfriend is taking contraception and enjoy being young and in a relationship with his girlfriend who he is very happy with.

I don't really know what my AIBU is, I'm just a bit worried that if my brothers girlfriend falls pregnant while they are using protection he will say he knew he should not have had sex. I'm not saying he would blame me at all but my brother would be massively upset with himself for being what he would see as being "reckless".

OP posts:

Lifeisnteasy · 30/12/2021 19:52

Vasectomy?

Lifeisnteasy · 30/12/2021 19:52

I find it odd you’re so involved in your brother’s private life tbh

Alpenguin · 30/12/2021 19:56

Can you maybe explain about ovulation and the very short monthly fertile period and that being aware of that on top of double contraceptive protection makes the chances of a pregnancy very slim? It would maybe allow him to abstain or do other things instead of piv around about ovulation. The only guarantee of no baby is celibacy.

Caramellatteplease · 30/12/2021 19:57

I think things like this are fairly unavoidable. You've done what you reasonably can, they are being sensible, sometimes fingers crossed is as good a strategy as you can get.

Also I totally get your relationship with your brother, I think its replicated with a lot of siblings where one has SN

FionnulaTheCooler · 30/12/2021 19:57

Sounds like you gave him good advice, they are being responsible with protection but the only way to guarantee no pregnancy is no sex so if he chooses to do so then he's choosing to accept the risk that a pregnancy could be created. They need to discuss what would happen next if the unlikely did happen, although he needs to also be aware that discussing a hypothetical pregnancy is different to a real one, feelings can change on the matter when it becomes a reality.

itsgettingweird · 30/12/2021 19:58

@Lifeisnteasy

I find it odd you’re so involved in your brother’s private life tbh

Then you can't know too many autistic people?

OP I once went to a talk by a great autistic young man called Dean. He was really informative re this sort of thing and how some autistic people use stats but you have to make sure what you say is absolutely 100%.

(My ds is autistic).

In this situation you need to be honest.

Contraception is 99% effective and so in theory it could happen once in 100 times of sexual intercourse but remind him statistics also don't work in this this way and are random.

Remind him he is taking all precautions and that really is the best he can do. That there are always options of contraception fails but he has to accept those choices are his Gfs.

Encourage him to discuss this with her so he knows what is likely to happen should it fail.

And remind him if he isn't emotionally ready for sex he can say no.

The difficulty is with an autistic person if they had a contraceptive failure - even if his GF terminated and it didn't have a lifelong impact on him that way - it could in others. He may then become too anxious to ever have a sexual relationship again.

duvetdayforeveryone · 30/12/2021 20:00

@Lifeisnteasy

Vasectomy?

This is a real contender for the stupidest advice I have ever read on Mumsnet.

Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 20:00

Does he know about the morning after pill and pill abortions?

I think instead of just saying it won't happen, you could also discuss options if contraception fails.

I am.of course not implying that this decision would be anyone's but his gf's to make but he might be thinking failed contraception leads inevitably to fatherhood.

itsgettingweird · 30/12/2021 20:00

It's Dean Beadle. He's well worth a Google and I've found him very helpful to support me to support ds by being able to understand how ds may be translating what I'm saying.

Ponoka7 · 30/12/2021 20:02

I think explaining ovulation might help, as suggested. PIV isn't the only way of getting sexual satisfaction.

Lifeisnteasy · 30/12/2021 20:10

@duvetdayforeveryone why?

Changelingbutonlyforme · 30/12/2021 20:15

@itsgettingweird
The effectiveness rating for contraception are per year of use, not every time you have sex.

OP. Tell him his risk is the failure rate of both contraceptive methods multiplied together. So if condoms are 98% effective and the combined pill is 99% effective and they are using both, the odds of failure are 0.02x0.01=0.0002 or a 1/5000 chance of pregnancy over the course of a year. Send him to the nhs contraception info page for the failure rates.

FeelingsUnexplained · 30/12/2021 20:15

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@duvetdayforeveryone why?[/quote]
At what point do you think giving a 21 year old man the advice of a vasectomy is good advice?! Completely agree with @duvetdayforeveryone

Lifeisnteasy · 30/12/2021 20:16

@FeelingsUnexplained at the point where he is terrified of getting his girlfriend pregnant to the extent that his sister feels she has to intervene?!

SlingingArrows · 30/12/2021 20:16

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@duvetdayforeveryone why?[/quote]
Because he is 21 years old??

AsYouWishButtercup · 30/12/2021 20:16

Sometimes sex - even protected sex - leads to babies. If he can’t handle that then the o lot thing to do is to abstain.

duvetdayforeveryone · 30/12/2021 20:16

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@duvetdayforeveryone why?[/quote]
Her brother is only 21 years old!

EasterIssland · 30/12/2021 20:18

@Lifeisnteasy

I find it odd you’re so involved in your brother’s private life tbh

I hope you’re never that cold with people that ask you for advice In real life

GreetingsAndSalutations · 30/12/2021 20:20

I don’t know what to suggest but I’m glad your brother is able to talk to you about his anxieties. My son is autistic, albeit still a child and a long way off having sexual relationships, but there are many things that cause him a great deal of worry and it’s very hard to help him get past those when they’re in his head. They’re often the same thing worries other people have but the way he thinks about them and the effect it can have is much harder to deal with.

I hope your brother manages to work through these worries soon.

FeelingsUnexplained · 30/12/2021 20:20

[quote Lifeisnteasy]@FeelingsUnexplained at the point where he is terrified of getting his girlfriend pregnant to the extent that his sister feels she has to intervene?![/quote]
Or if you actually read the OP she’s stared they’ve always had a close relationship and this is normal for them… nice to see you didn’t actually read the OP

AliveAndSleeping · 30/12/2021 20:24

@Lifeisnteasy

I find it odd you’re so involved in your brother’s private life tbh

Umm also you can't know too many people or you might have learnt to be slightly more helpful.

Having said that op I don't have any great advice either. I think you handled it well.

I think it's great how supportive you are about your brother and I'm sure it's a great source of comfort for him that he can come to you with his problems.

itsgettingweird · 30/12/2021 20:27

[quote Changelingbutonlyforme]@itsgettingweird
The effectiveness rating for contraception are per year of use, not every time you have sex.

It is important and now I do t have to do the maths for when this comes up with ds! He's 17 so I'm sure it may do in the next few years

godmum56 · 30/12/2021 20:28

Well he's got three choices hasn't he? one is taking the risk, two is abstinence and three is vasectomy. If he never wants to be a father then it warrants at least investigation? its his choice, his decision but I don't think its stupid to not rule it out.

user1471554720 · 30/12/2021 20:43

Maybe he might not be ready for a full relationship when he is so concerned about the fallout of an unplanned pregnancy. He is only 21. Explain about ovulation. Also reassure him that he does not need to have full piv every time.

He should also think about what would happen with an unplanned pregnancy. Is he in fulltime work? Is he near the end of his training/studies? Even having a plan about this can really help to alleviate worries, that he will manage if it happens. If he abstains til he is 24 or 25 and has life more in order, it is not really a big deal and may help him feel more relaxed.

I have autistic tendencies and felt similar worries. I avoided a full relationship until I was 22. By then I had finished college and was working. I know that may seem drastic but I would not be able to relax into a relationship like this at 18.

user1471457751 · 30/12/2021 21:09

@itsgettingweird if you want the correct stats you should look up real life rates, the previous poster has given the perfect use rate (and let's face it, humans aren't perfect)

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