Not a favourite, but my kids are?

[Jamdown123]

Is my position contradictory AND bad.

So, I was talking to a friend recently, explained this situation and thought it sounded awful as it left my lips.

My grant's favourite grandchild is my cousin. His mother was not great until very recently and he is 45! So my gran raised him, and he views her as his mum in many ways, definitely in his heart. I am not her favourite, but I'm up there. I havent felt the sharp end of being out of favour, but I know my other cousins have / do. Some feel shunned, some are still trying, some can't hide the resentment. The favourite will inherit her entire investment property which has no mortgage, for example. I don't care, others do.

Now, this cousin has no kids. My kids are actually coming in first place for my grabs favourites, and I feel bad about it, but OK at the same time. Knowing how it feels to not be a favourite, should I challenge this in my grandma?

This is not a life or death problem, but is my position of seeing and doing not much, OK? Would I be hurt if the favourite cousin had kids and mine were relegated? I don't know.

Favouritism stinks, I know! Am I part of the problem? Eeek

You all sound very grabby.

The favourite will inherit her entire investment property which has no mortgage, for example. I don't care, others do.

Are you sure you don't care? If so then don't worry about it and get on with your life.

I don’t understand is your Gran leaving her estate to your cousin, as she brought him up? Where do your DC come into it?

So you're suggesting that you tell your gran that she should treat all her grandchildren equally?

*great-grandchildren

😂 You sound insane. And the 'grab' autocorrect was the icing on the cake.

It doesn't matter one bit if your cousin has children or not, that's completely irrelevant,

Of course your 'grab' is going to feel closer to someone she brought up herself. As you have dc, surely you must know this.

Favouritism sucks, but there’s not much you can do about it. My MIL has a favourite child (my DH), and favourite grandchildren (my SIL’s). My poor BIL has done very badly in this. Everyone knows she has favourites, though she doesn’t admit to it. I brought up her favouring of SIL’s kids earlier this year and she was shocked. Possibly that I had noticed.

I get your concern - your kids are favourites now but if your cousin had kids they would be relegated which if they were old enough to notice would be very hurtful for them.
Your grandmother does not sound particularly nice as she has a tendency to sideline some of her grandkids - and she would probably do this to you if you challenged her.
i don't think you're a part of the problem, but hopefully your kids are close to other family members as her affection sounds like it's not necessarily dependable.
And i don't think it's very grabby to think about inheritances, leaving it all to one grandchild is unkind, she's measuring her love out in a very public way.

Your grandmother has been in the position of a parent to your cousin and has raised him, presumably in her home. While all of you had your own parents to care for and prioritise you. It's probably not so much that he is her 'favourite' as such but that he has an entirely different relationship with her. The parental relationship is very different to the grandparent relationship.

You definitely care 😄

Yes you're part of the problem. You want to be the favourite and you want your kids to be the favourites because you want to inherit. Bonkers.

I've never considered who would inherit what from my nan. I'm just glad she's still alive.

@Jamdown123

Is my position contradictory AND bad.

So, I was talking to a friend recently, explained this situation and thought it sounded awful as it left my lips.

My grant's favourite grandchild is my cousin. His mother was not great until very recently and he is 45! So my gran raised him, and he views her as his mum in many ways, definitely in his heart. I am not her favourite, but I'm up there. I havent felt the sharp end of being out of favour, but I know my other cousins have / do. Some feel shunned, some are still trying, some can't hide the resentment. The favourite will inherit her entire investment property which has no mortgage, for example. I don't care, others do.

Now, this cousin has no kids. My kids are actually coming in first place for my grabs favourites, and I feel bad about it, but OK at the same time. Knowing how it feels to not be a favourite, should I challenge this in my grandma?

This is not a life or death problem, but is my position of seeing and doing not much, OK? Would I be hurt if the favourite cousin had kids and mine were relegated? I don't know.

Favouritism stinks, I know! Am I part of the problem? Eeek

Full disclosure. Like your cousin, my dad was brought up by his gran as his mum wasn’t great, and as a result, she favoured him more than the other grandchildren - because she had brought him up. He was more like her own child. FWIW my dad’s gran had nothing to leave, but she was basically his mum and when she died, the rest of the family gave him zero support, because they felt he had been favoured.

I think you’re being unfair and, if I’m honest, a bit entitled.

I think your gran is responsible for a deeply dysfunctional family dynamic. There really shouldn't be favourites within a family. It all sounds very unhealthy.

If you don't care, forget about it, let her have her favourites, why does it matter?
No one is entitled to her investment property, she can give it to one person if she wishes, she could even leave it to charity - those who feel they're missing out on it through not being favourite sound awful and grabby.

My dh was far and away his grans favourite out of her 8 grandkids. He was the eldest and the quietest (and arguably the brightest) so my pil would send him over there to focus on the others and effectively he viewed his gran as more supportive than his parents - he's benignly distant from them now and our dcs have no real relationship with them.

My dad very much and obviously preferred one of my dds to the other and alienated my dh and my other dd quite a bit. He died when they were 10 and sadly the non favourite dd had blossomed a lot in confidence at her school work because she'd always felt second best. My dad did love second dd and me and my mum constantly raised it with him and he'd try to correct it but him and Dd1 had a super close bond. Sadly to the detriment of Dd2.

So do raise it, don't ignore it. It's damaging.

Thanks. I think I should add context. In my culture people like to talk about their death, funeral plans, what they're leaving to whom. I really DON'T care but my gran trusts me and is forever going over her morbid plans with me! I'm doing OK financially, in no small part because of her loving support, and I've told my gran whatever she wants to leave to me please make it fair because I don't want the hassle and please consider leaving my portion to my kids. I'm not grabby at all, I'm fact I give my gran regular money every month and I send money back to more distant cousins abroad. I mentioned inheritance to emphasise my cousin is the favourite. If you're thinking about that part you're missing the point which is lost in cultural translation.

My point is I'm not the favourite of my generation. It doesn't bother me, it does bother some of my cousins, some VERY much. Now I see that my gran favours my children and I've largely been OK with it. I'm wondering do I challenge it? She's 85! It does make me feel awkward. I wonder how it will impact my kids' relationships with their cousins?

My gran can be a difficult woman! She talks about it reciprocally - she favours those who share their time and effort with her. I'm not sure it's so clear cut a case of chicken and egg!

Its really not a big deal, but when I explained it to my friend recently, it sounded awful!!

I just wondered about it and whether I'm part of a generational problem that I should be trying to stamp out!!!

Favouritism is damaging to both the favourites and the disfavoured. A positive relationship between your dc and their cousins is far more important than a relationship with a woman who is willing to be so cruel towards children.

When people have favourites, there is always a chance that they will change who is favoured at any time. You cannot trust this woman to act in your dc's best interests if you see she is willing to damage other dc in the family.

Personally I wouldn't be encouraging contact at all.

Hmm, from the way you've worded it, it seems like you're happy with the status quo because it favours your kids, but deep down you're concerned that this may change in the future, so your "worry" only seems to come from a place of ensuring your kids remain favourites. Because "you feel bad, but you're also ok with it".

I wonder how you would feel if your kids were in the "relegated" camp. Differently I suspect.

Part that I missed out which has just come to me. My kids are absolutely not the favourite on their dad's side. I HATE it. I truly do. They're too young to notice now, and I dread the day that it might become apparent to them.

I wish someone would challenge it on that side. So that's part of my conundrum. Sure its working out for us here, but not there, and in reality I wish it wasn't the case anywhere.

Maybe I'm the only one with this messed up family dynamics!

Yes to some recent posts.

Both of my parents are not favourites, they felt it keenly and made it very clear to us, their children, that they love and care for us all equally. I'm raising my children that way.

I'm not really concerned about my adult cousins, no. They're adults. I do feel really bad for the little ones who aren't favourites on my maternal side. I feel bad for my own kids on their paternal side.

How do you officially find out you're ''The Favourite '' or a ''close favourite'' ???
Is ther a ceremony? A star chart or what?? This doesn't sound real.

Can the 'chosen one' change weekly or can you lock down your No.1 position for a longer period of time ?
I must know the rules.

I dont understand..how every person ,in every generation in your family is talking about 'the favourite ' it's like a weird plot to an awful film

My DF favours my DSis's DOG over mine. Really pisses me off. Thankfully I am the only one with a DC so she is default favorite and I've inherited early.

Both of my parents are not favourites

My kids are absolutely not the favourite on their
dad's side

I am not her favourite, but I'm up there

My kids are actually coming in first place for my grabs favourites

My point is I'm not the favourite of my generation

It's all so bizarre??!

My cousin is the favourite. She cooks for him every Saturday. He lives near her. He's a 45 year old man and is often chilling with her. She calls him daily, always talking about him.

She calls my kids most, definitely, but then I bring them round a lot, I'm the eldest grand daughter so I find myself doing errands, cleaning, managing her property stuff! But it means my kids see her a lot, often ask to call her etc. She remembers each birthday, they get really lovely presents. It's clear.

OK, I'm putting kids to bed. I can see that I'm not being very well I derstiid, my fault. It is tricky to explain family and culture on these boards sometimes, I think I've failed not a little!!

I think I'm going to talk to my gran. I do not think it'll do much though!!!