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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wanting my own room and belongings

33 replies

CecileDeRetour · 30/12/2021 17:03

I post on Stately Homes a lot but am currently preoccupied and was interested in a range of opinions.

I’m 29 and live at home. I don’t pay rent although I have offered and tried to do so (and may yet do so in secret). My parents own two houses and rent one out. I live in a room and bathroom off the house. While I’ve been away my mum has been in and out (not that she doesn’t come in and out and keep things in my part of the house) and my sister has been through my clothes and books and borrowed them. I have been very clear this upsets me, I do not want them in there and I certainly don’t want my items borrowed without permission. In the past this has ended up with me in tears. I am not allowed to install a lock and my parents have keys to the other door.

I have had MH issues and do not want to hide that, I don’t look after myself well at all. However I am an adult and this lack of boundaries upsets me so much. They also do not leave when I ask them to. I have lived alone before but whenever I e had difficulties my parents have sort of assumed that I will move back in.

AIBU? Will not be offended by either answer.

OP posts:

LampLighter414 · 30/12/2021 17:04

Move out

Robostripes · 30/12/2021 17:05

If you don’t like it and they won’t respect your boundaries then simply move out. You’re 29, you don’t need to be living with your parents unless you want to.

AffIt · 30/12/2021 17:06

You have to move out.

Acheyknees · 30/12/2021 17:06

I agree, move out if you can't lock your door.

DDivaStar · 30/12/2021 17:08

They shouldn't be going in your room and borrowing things. But it sounds like they've helped you out alot by letting you move in when needed so I don't think you can complain too much. Get your own accommodation and you can have your privacy.

Xmasiscancelledagain · 30/12/2021 17:08

Move out. Surely there are more options available to you than this. Even a HMO would be better.

Allllchange · 30/12/2021 17:09

Maybe you can't put a lock on your door, and absolutely it's not ok they are going in your room and taking your things, but is there a way of doing a chain and padlock on the wardrobe or buy a box you can put things that cause particular upset for you if touched. It might be a case of work out a way to live with it, as above, or move out I'm afraid. It doesn't sound like the situation will change.

Woodmarsh · 30/12/2021 17:10

A bit yes, it is ultimately their house and you obviously have different boundaries. Move out if it bothers you

TeenMinusTests · 30/12/2021 17:11

I wonder whether there is somewhere with a 'community' you could move to where you could be independent but people would look out for you in low periods?

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 30/12/2021 17:11

Move out!
The situation at home won't help your MH

HairyFanjoBanjo · 30/12/2021 17:12

All you can do is explain your boundary and it’s subsequent consequences. If they don’t or won’t listen then it’s down to you to act upon it.

Ultimately, you are living (rent free) in their house - so you’re either put up with it, or move out.

Asking AIBU seems a pointless exercise in this situation.

londonrach · 30/12/2021 17:12

I'm afraid there's only one solution to this...move out. They should not have come into your room but sounds like they no boundaries so move out and get your own space x

willingtolearn · 30/12/2021 17:14

How is your mental health at the moment? Are you receiving help and professional support?

Are you family the people who support you/keep you safe? Are they going in to your room to check on you?

If you have professional support, they are obliged to respect your boundaries and decisions - unfortunately families are not obliged to do this, and often don't.

If moving out is not possible, can you get a large lockable box/chest that you can put your belongings in?

What do you want to do? Do you feel able to live on your own at the moment. If you need their help, you will need to compromise in many ways, especially as they seem to be supporting your financially by housing you.

Not an easy situation, but if you decide you want to leave, there are services that can provide some (but limited to be truthful) support

altforvarmt · 30/12/2021 17:18

Move out. You get to set your own rules and boundaries in your own home.

BungleandGeorge · 30/12/2021 17:22

If you have mental health issues possibly your parents feel like they have to check up on you and be able to access your living area for your safety? They might be worried about you locking yourself in and them not having access? Would they let you have some sort of lock that your sister couldn’t access? I imagine it doesn’t do your MH any good to worry about your sister taking your belongings and having no privacy. Do you have a social worker or mental health nurse? Perhaps as someone suggested you could look at private housing with some additional support or assisted living if you are not able to live totally alone?

imip · 30/12/2021 17:32

Just echoing comments above - your parents may be checking on you. I have a daughter who self harms and I will check everywhere to make sure she does not have a sharp implement to cut herself. For a parent it is a balance between keeping your child safe and their right to privacy. It is a difficult balance to maintain. If your parents are currently the ones keeping you safe, you may not get better support if you lived on your own.

It is hard for us to say if AIBU because we don’t know the intricacies of your MH or why your parents went through your stuff. When dd was in hospital and they thought she had a sharp, they turned her room upside down and didn’t clean it up.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/12/2021 17:50

YANBU to want your own space but I think that is always going to be difficult when living rent free with your parents.

The obvious solution is to move out.

PyjamaFan · 30/12/2021 17:57

Move out.

You will be so much happier being independent from them and having your own space, whether that is a whole house or flat to yourself or your own room with a lock on the door in a shared place.

BlueShirtGuy · 30/12/2021 18:03

I hope this doesn't sound flippant but I think I'd have MH issues if I lived with my mother, and we have a really good relationship.

What did you struggle with when you lived away from your parents before? If you can identify that and come up with some ideas and strategies to ensure the same thing doesn't happen again.

NumberTheory · 30/12/2021 18:05

YANBU to want a room that people don’t go through. YABU to think that your parents are obliged to provide that just because they offer to let you stay.

It sounds like they let you stay because they think of you as a child still in many respects. That has advantages and disadvantages. You’re getting a lot of free support but your room is much like your childhood bedroom in terms of boundaries.

I think you should probably consider whether it really helps you with your MH difficulties to be treated this way or whether it would be better to rely on yourself and state services more (if there are any available for your issues). Moving out would solve this particular problem, but it may bring on a lot more. On the other hand, is having this safety net holding you back from really getting to grips with the issues you have?

duvetdayforeveryone · 30/12/2021 18:10

If you can't put a lock on the door, could you instead put a lock on the wardrobes?

FWIW your family sounds terrible.

lalalandi · 30/12/2021 18:33

Erm Move out?

RaininSummer · 30/12/2021 18:56

I agree that moving out to be independent would probably be the best thing. 29 is time unless there is a plan such as saving to buy.

Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2021 19:02

What do your parents and sister actually say when confronted about coming into your space and borrowing things w/o permission?

IncompleteSenten · 30/12/2021 19:06

They should respect your privacy but it is clear that they won't. I think that is wrong of them and very unsupportive.

But, since they've proven they will not stop going through your stuff that leaves you with 2 choices - accept it or move out.

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