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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you say sorry?

45 replies

OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 14:44

My husband really upset me at the beginning of the week. We spoke about it, however he hadn’t apologised. This is quite typical of him. He shows he is sorry through actions. He had done a lot for me this week to show me he is very sorry however he still hasn’t actually said the words and has carried on as normal.
I’m just quietly seething and am wondering if I’m being unreasonable? He clearly is sorry and has shown me that but I’m still waiting for him to say it.
I’m 9 weeks post giving birth and am not on my bipolar meds due to breastfeeding so may well be completely over reacting.
I knew full well he wasn’t a talker when we married so I feel like I kind of have to accept that.
Aibu? Shall I just let it go and let us be happy or should I stay angry with him until he acknowledges it?

OP posts:
Cocopogo · 30/12/2021 14:46

I was about to say it’s a sign of communication difficulties if he can’t say the words and you can’t be frank with him and tell him but at the bottom of your post you accept this so I think you have to just move on. I’d rather have someone who used actions than words tbf

Shiningpath · 30/12/2021 14:47

If he’s done all he can to show he’s actually sorry bar say the words, and you know it’s in his nature, I’d accept it and move on. At this stage it’s only yourself making you unhappy now and what’s the point in that.

UserBot99 · 30/12/2021 14:49

If you know he's sorry, and believe that he has shown that with his actions, what would you get out of a verbal apology? Not saying that it wouldn't be nice but could that be your own ego?
He doesn't say the words because of his ego, but he will demonstrate that he's sorry with actions.
Not perfect but human.

You know that he's sorry and believe him, but it's not enough? Could that be ur ego?

Cuddlemuffin · 30/12/2021 14:52

I would tell him that you know he is sorry and you appreciate every he is doing to show you that but it is actually really important to you for him to just say 'Im sorry'. It doesn't have to be this ti e but just so he knows in future as it make it harder for you to move on from an argument otherwise x

kittenkipper · 30/12/2021 14:59

I do say I'm sorry. As does my husband. And we also say sorry to our children when we need to (what parent hasn't shouted too loud/ made an assumption/ punished too harshly on occasion?)

I think it is fundamental to respect and communication. My parents never apologise to each other or anyone else and whilst they would let go and start to behave normally and or over compensate for bad behaviour by demonstrating good behaviour and or treats / rewards, imo it's not healthy and creates an environment where you can compensate for bad behaviour by being extra good next time- it's transactional in a way. Sometimes there is no compensation, no putting spilt milk back in the bottle, and a genuine acknowledgment and apology is all that can be done. I had to learn that as an adult and I struggled to. I also always struggled with having to pack down feelings of sadness and disappointment or even anger when my parents had "paid" for something done in days out etc. That doesn't take away hurt nor does it validate justified feelings. A sorry and a hug would.

Tee20x · 30/12/2021 15:01

I think it's worse the other way around. As in the person says sorry to try and shut you up but does fuck all to change their behaviour or show they mean it.

I think in this case actions speak louder than words.

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2021 15:03

I also think the opposite is worse.

Op do you need your medication? I am assuming so or you’d not have them, formula feeding is totally fine, your health is important too.

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 15:05

I need the acknowledgment that he was a prick. To me, anyone can buy some chocolate and do extra things to show that they’re sorry but it takes balls to actually man up and admit that they were in the wrong and acknowledge how it made the other person feel. I HATE that he just carries on like nothings happened. I’m not even upset about the thing he did anymore, I’m upset about THAT.

OP posts:
MrzClaus · 30/12/2021 15:05

@Tee20x

I think it's worse the other way around. As in the person says sorry to try and shut you up but does fuck all to change their behaviour or show they mean it.

I think in this case actions speak louder than words.

This is just what I was about to say - I hate the idea that just a word can make things better. I think actions are way more valuable in this situation, you can say sorry until you're blue in the face but truly showing you're sorry IMO is much more important.

However if you're the sort of person who feeds off words then for you this might not work! Compromise is key - my DH is a sayer and a doer, I'm just a doer. I try to remember to say sorry occasionally too as I know it's important to him!

Topseyt · 30/12/2021 15:05

I say sorry. DH does too.

I think it is important to acknowledge that you realise what you have done wrong.

Wallywobbles · 30/12/2021 15:10

I do. It's a non issue. DH cannot. Sometimes I say I actually need to hear the words to get past it.

Holothane · 30/12/2021 15:14

Oh mine doesn’t believe in saying sorry he’s never wrong.

givethatbabyaname · 30/12/2021 15:14

Isn’t doing the extra things admission that he was wrong? I think you can take that as read.

Needing him to acknowledge and know how he made you feel is a different thing though. Yes I think an adult should be able to do that. It’s important that he’s aware of the effect he had on you because if he does it again, he’ll be doing it knowingly. Without acknowledging your hurt, it might not exist for him.

This is different from saying sorry though. That comes after the acknowledgement of wrong done and hurt caused.

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 15:24

@Bluntness100 no I don’t need my medication atm I’m doing really well.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 30/12/2021 15:26

@OGenkiDesuKa

I need the acknowledgment that he was a prick. To me, anyone can buy some chocolate and do extra things to show that they’re sorry but it takes balls to actually man up and admit that they were in the wrong and acknowledge how it made the other person feel. I HATE that he just carries on like nothings happened. I’m not even upset about the thing he did anymore, I’m upset about THAT.
Anyone can turn around and say "sorry" and not mean it. It's OK to tell him that it's important for you that you hear the words, but he has to change the behaviour and not repeat it for you to know he's actually sorry
Mydogmylife · 30/12/2021 15:27

@OGenkiDesuKa

I need the acknowledgment that he was a prick. To me, anyone can buy some chocolate and do extra things to show that they’re sorry but it takes balls to actually man up and admit that they were in the wrong and acknowledge how it made the other person feel. I HATE that he just carries on like nothings happened. I’m not even upset about the thing he did anymore, I’m upset about THAT.
See, I think it doesn't take any effort at all to parrot the words I'm sorry, doesn't mean there's any genuine remorse/ determination to do better. I find actions mean more to me
Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 15:33

We’ve been messaging today. He’s admitted he hates confrontation, that he’s crap at reading these situations and that he’s trying to do better, the last things he wants to do is upset me even though he knows he does and he wants to change that behaviour.

Still no sorry Grin

I think I’ll let him off now.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/12/2021 15:36

no I don’t need my medication atm I’m doing really well

You're using words like HATE which makes me think you're not OK.

I think I’ll let him off now

Well, aren't you a charmer. Ever considered that you might have upset him too?

DustyMaiden · 30/12/2021 15:39

He has said sorry in different words.

MysteriousMonkey · 30/12/2021 15:40

This is my husband too!!! He never says sorry although he definitely shows he is. Its really irritating though so YANBU!

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 15:40

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy you can literally do one trying to use my own illness against me thanks.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 15:41

@OGenkiDesuKa

We’ve been messaging today. He’s admitted he hates confrontation, that he’s crap at reading these situations and that he’s trying to do better, the last things he wants to do is upset me even though he knows he does and he wants to change that behaviour.

Still no sorry Grin

I think I’ll let him off now.

Acknowledging his behaviour needs to change is a good step.

I'd expect an apology and someone buying chocolate in place of that would piss me off.

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 15:43

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

no I don’t need my medication atm I’m doing really well

You're using words like HATE which makes me think you're not OK.

I think I’ll let him off now

Well, aren't you a charmer. Ever considered that you might have upset him too?

She's allowed to use the word hate in place of your preferred phrase. She hates the situation/his attitude. Not him.

If she's upset him he can say so, can't he? Given the fact he's the one trying to make it up to her, you're probably wrong.

Don't be nasty for the sake of it.

Defiantly41 · 30/12/2021 15:49

some resources that may help you for the future:

a video on nonviolent communication (nothing to do with actual violence, it's about communicating better)

https://instagram.com/thesecurerelationship?utmmedium=copyy_link
Fab Instagram account with enormous insight into personal relationships and our own actions and reactions

mewkins · 30/12/2021 15:49

@OGenkiDesuKa

I need the acknowledgment that he was a prick. To me, anyone can buy some chocolate and do extra things to show that they’re sorry but it takes balls to actually man up and admit that they were in the wrong and acknowledge how it made the other person feel. I HATE that he just carries on like nothings happened. I’m not even upset about the thing he did anymore, I’m upset about THAT.
I'm with you. Have you told him this in the past? It may be good to let it go now and then when things are calmer talk about it together. I think it's important for kids to see that it is a healthy thing to apologise when you do something wrong.