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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you say sorry?

45 replies

OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 14:44

My husband really upset me at the beginning of the week. We spoke about it, however he hadn’t apologised. This is quite typical of him. He shows he is sorry through actions. He had done a lot for me this week to show me he is very sorry however he still hasn’t actually said the words and has carried on as normal.
I’m just quietly seething and am wondering if I’m being unreasonable? He clearly is sorry and has shown me that but I’m still waiting for him to say it.
I’m 9 weeks post giving birth and am not on my bipolar meds due to breastfeeding so may well be completely over reacting.
I knew full well he wasn’t a talker when we married so I feel like I kind of have to accept that.
Aibu? Shall I just let it go and let us be happy or should I stay angry with him until he acknowledges it?

OP posts:
Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 15:52

Yes this happens every time he does something to upset me, which admittedly isn’t very often and he is a great husband it’s just this issue.

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 30/12/2021 15:58

It’s important to me that DH can apologise when he’s been an arse and show me that he’s sorry through his actions. I always do the same when I’ve been out of order. It’s one of the things that I value most about our relationship. We don’t have egos and we are good at communicating. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect that from your partner.

I grew up with a father who could never admit he was wrong and I’ve never heard him say the word sorry. Not once. Despite him being an awful man who always had plenty to apologise for.

ldontWanna · 30/12/2021 16:05

If it's really that important to you and you need to hear the actual words have a calm conversation with him once all this blows over. Tell him why it's important to you and how it makes you feel/helps you move in. That while you acknowledge and appreciate his actions that say he's sorry, your needs are different.Hopefully if he's as great as you say it will register.

As an aside I'm an over apologiser. As a result It's very easy for me to say sorry but I rarely actually mean it.

dworky · 30/12/2021 16:05

If he can't/won't say he's sorry, he's probably not sorry.

Sewingmachinesssss · 30/12/2021 16:08

He could do both - say sorry and make it up to you as well It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 16:18

Yes I do both if I’ve done something wrong.

OP posts:
SarahJessicaParker1 · 30/12/2021 16:24

I find it really annoying when people know they've behaved badly but will not apologise or discuss it. I think it's actually really toxic.

RedHelenB · 30/12/2021 17:07

Actions speak louder than words so they say.

EmpressCixi · 30/12/2021 17:09

@Tee20x

I think it's worse the other way around. As in the person says sorry to try and shut you up but does fuck all to change their behaviour or show they mean it.

I think in this case actions speak louder than words.

Me too. I would take the action apology and move on.
Cam2020 · 30/12/2021 17:25

I'm with you, OP. I cannot stand the arrogance of someone who cannot admit fault. I also hate hollow apologies just to shut you up, though.

ElizabethT8 · 30/12/2021 17:33

DEEDS not WORDS.

SarahJessicaParker1 · 30/12/2021 17:37

Or DEEDS and WORDS?

Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 17:54

He really struggles with admitting fault which is frustrating!

He also comes from a family of non talkers.

OP posts:
Original poster
OGenkiDesuKa · 30/12/2021 19:44

What sort of actions make up for what though? Is a bar of chocolate enough for example? Surely that’s harder as it’s depends on the crime?!

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 30/12/2021 20:10

@OGenkiDesuKa

What sort of actions make up for what though? Is a bar of chocolate enough for example? Surely that’s harder as it’s depends on the crime?!
It does depend on what happened. However, I don't think buying stuff (whatever that is) really counts as a sorry action unless it's related to what they're sorry for. So buying/replacing something the ate,broke,ruined etc for you. The buying of stuff is too reminiscent of cheaters/abusers . It can may be a nice add on I guess, but the real action would be doing/fixing whatever the argument was about.
GreatResetRequested · 30/12/2021 20:16

I think YANBU and it’s ok to say to him, it’s important to me that you are able to say “I’m sorry” when you’ve hurt me, just as I apologise to you.

You are allowed to speak your truth - you are saying nothing wrong, it’s important to you (and to me too) and not aggressive or demanding at all. Let him know what you need.

CrystalMaisie · 30/12/2021 23:40

The book The Five Love Languages might be worth a read. Helps you understand more how each other communicates, and also how we prefer to have love shown to us.

undertheglassceiling · 31/12/2021 01:55

Mine not only (almost) never says sorry but also tells me not to apologise when I do. I find it odd as I feel apologies indicate a necessary accountability of one’s actions. But perhaps it’s just semantics.

What happens if you don’t apologise to him, OP?

undertheglassceiling · 31/12/2021 01:56

*accountability for one’s actions

AffIt · 31/12/2021 03:15

@Tee20x

I think it's worse the other way around. As in the person says sorry to try and shut you up but does fuck all to change their behaviour or show they mean it.

I think in this case actions speak louder than words.

I agree.

I'm autistic, and I say sorry because I know that's what people want to hear, but I don't necessarily mean it. I assume NT people do this, too.

Actions speak louder than words, surely.

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