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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be tired of asking dp?

37 replies

Reila24 · 30/12/2021 12:54

To get our couples counselling booked. Many times we have been on the brink of breaking up after me being badly hurt at his expsense. Many times he has promised and pleaded for counselling but nothing comes of it. He gives it the big all in the moment but once everything calms down there is no mention of it from him. Ive tried everything
Crying, begging, offering the money, giving him a deadline, giving him an altimatium. Nothing. Works.

At first it was he was too ashamed. Then it was he was anxious. Then it was money. Now its just bloody laziness. He has no fricking drive to save our relationship and this is one of our main problems in the first place. The inblanace and lack of care on his side. Why am i bothering so much? I keep prompting him and he says he will do it but doesnt. He sits on his phone 97 percent of the time. It would take all of 5 minutes. Im at my wits end. We have a beautiful baby. I have no where to go. No job. He has promised me counselling back in august. We are now coming into january. Ive suffered so much by him in the mean time which may have been avoided if we had done counselling.

I dont want to ask anymore. Im done asking but im done pretending im okay living in this limbo state where he thinks he can get away with doing nothing.

Aibu

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 30/12/2021 12:56

I assume you won't book it because of the principal of the thing? You want him to make an effort? It's not because you don't have access to the money is it?

Original poster
Reila24 · 30/12/2021 13:00

@FortunesFave yes. He should be the one to do it since he is the one with the issues that negatively impact me and our relationship. Also to be seen to want to right his wrongs and try to be someone i deserve. Im the only one keeping our relationship afloat by tolerating his crap and forgiving him. His job is to seek the help so he doesnt inflict his crap on me anymore

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/12/2021 13:01

YABU because your relationship is clearly over.

Just end it. He won’t do a simple thing to save your relationship and treads you badly.

You don’t need counselling, you need a decent man.

Merryoldgoat · 30/12/2021 13:02

Why are you tolerating him treating you badly?

Original poster
Reila24 · 30/12/2021 13:05

@Merryoldgoat for all the reasons list above. No where to go. Young ftm all on her own. No money no job. Scared of being alone and taking the plunge.

OP posts:
DroopyClematis · 30/12/2021 13:05

Doesn't sound like he wants to book it.
He probably doesn't want to discover what your problems actually are hence the head buried in the sand attitude.

It's your decision now. Do you want to continue or do you want to leave?

Dixiechickonhols · 30/12/2021 13:06

Your relationship is over. I’d focus on practicalities. You aren’t married? So you split and put in claim for child maintenance. No job - if you are on maternity leave see about going back now or start job hunting asap. Housing - is it in joint names. Much easier to split now when baby small.

MrzClaus · 30/12/2021 13:08

Tbh if you're only not booking something you think will save the relationship on principle because you think he should, it's already a dead relationship.

If you genuinely think counselling will make the relationship better, surely it's better to book it and do it rather than put up with a terrible relationship for months?

Being a FTM with no job is scary when making huge decisions but do you have family / friend support?

Original poster
Reila24 · 30/12/2021 13:13

@MrzClaus im not booking it because im the one that constantly saves our relationship. If i was to walk out the door my partner would say okay and sit on his ass and not even move a muscle. HE was the one that came to me and proposed counselling. He said he would do it. If i cant hold him to his word then it makes counselling pointless. We shouldnt start this by me forcing him or me sorting it out. It has to come from him.

OP posts:
mumda · 30/12/2021 13:20

Have you got plans for what happens next?

Will he leave or will you?

XmasElf10 · 30/12/2021 13:22

You need to leave, he won’t change.

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 30/12/2021 13:23

LTB

MrzClaus · 30/12/2021 13:23

[quote Reila24]**@MrzClaus* im not booking it because im the one that constantly saves our relationship. If i was to walk out the door my partner would say okay and sit on his ass and not even move a muscle. HE* was the one that came to me and proposed counselling. He said he would do it. If i cant hold him to his word then it makes counselling pointless. We shouldnt start this by me forcing him or me sorting it out. It has to come from him.[/quote]
I don't mean to be harsh OP, but if this is true - he clearly doesn't value your relationship at all. It's a simple thing to, and if he genuinely can't be bothered to do this one thing to save your relationship then he's relying on the fact he knows either you'll sort it, or you'll just stay anyway.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/12/2021 13:25

He should be the one to do it since he is the one with the issues that negatively impact me and our relationship. Also to be seen to want to right his wrongs and try to be someone i deserve

He doesn’t care. He is showing you that he doesn’t give a shit, and I know your thoughts are ‘why should I do it?’ with that you giving him exactly what he wants, which is maintaining the status quo where he does literally nothing and you are unhappy.

When a person shows you who they are, listen. He’s proven to you more than once that words mean absolutely nothing as he’ll continue to behave exactly as he pleases.

This will never change unless you leave. It may seem hard, but you deserve happiness and a partner that cares.

Good luck.

LeifSan · 30/12/2021 13:32

What is he doing that needs changing? What issues do you want counselling to address?

MsJaneAusten · 30/12/2021 13:32

Why the fuck do you want counselling? Just end it.

Chloemol · 30/12/2021 13:33

He doesn’t care, he has made that clear

I don’t believe that you don’t have family or friends that would help you to leave and I think you are just making excuses

You have a number of choices

  1. Do nothing, in which case you can’t moan
  2. If you want to try and save the relationship then book the counselling yourself, he can pay, you can mention he promised but didn’t do anything in the sessions
3 Leave
IsDaveThere · 30/12/2021 13:35

You've got three choices really, haven't you.

  • book it yourself because your DP certainly isn't going to
  • do nothing and put up with what you have got
  • leave him, your relationship is already over and he doesn't seem to care.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is that counselling is needed, if you want it then you will need to book it (and make sure that he attends).

I know which option I would go for and it isn't one of the first two

Nishkin · 30/12/2021 13:37

When I was 21 I worked with a woman whose husband was fabulous, they had been married 25 years- I once casually mentioned she was lucky- she told me luck had nothing to do with it- at 8 months pregnant with their first she left him as he didn’t treat her with respect- he begged her to give him another chance and she did

He won’t change while you enable it. Sorry that is harsh, but it’s true

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 30/12/2021 13:40

Let me guess.

He has 'anger issues'

Uses substances/alcohol to 'deal with things'

Been rejected before? By his mother perhaps?

LethargicActress · 30/12/2021 13:53

He has no motivation to book it because he knows that whether he does or he doesn’t, you will continue to put up with him.

If you honestly believe that if you walked out and told him that it was for good that he’d sit there and do nothing to stop you, then you already know you’re fighting a losing battle. You don’t deserve that to be your life.

Cindie943811A · 30/12/2021 13:58

OP what do you hope counselling will achieve? He is so unmotivated that it is surely unrealistic to think he will make the changes required to heal your relationship

stinkycheeseman · 30/12/2021 13:58

Book a counsellor just for you. I six months time you will be kicking him out with a song in your heart and a smile on your face. Good luck Thanks

Aubriella · 30/12/2021 14:00

Trust me even if you get him to counselling, nothing will change.

Don’t waste another year on him. New year, fresh start.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 30/12/2021 14:01

You're not saving your relationship by letting him walk all over you.

You can leave. You will get help. My sister had to live in homeless accommodation when she left her husband and her son was 2 and she got help to get a house and managed to get herself back on her feet and is doing amazing for herself now and has an amazing son.

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