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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like a hypocrite but AIBU? Re social media

66 replies

emilyinlondon · 30/12/2021 12:21

My boyfriend and I are together since summer 2020.
He is divorced.I am separated.
We're both mid forties and very happy together.
My aibu is that my lawyer has advised that I don't 'advertise' our relationship on social media as my ex is jealous and we are soon to divorce. She feels that he could make life very difficult for me as he had an affair which is why I'm divorcing him.
My boyfriend and I tag each other on posts of interest regularly so our mutual friends can see our interactions and a more than normal interaction between both of us.
I feel like a hypocrite as he has no evidence of me on his social media and it
Pisses me off. He changed his status to single after he divorced years ago.
He isn't a fan of public declarations of togetherness not to mind any gushing nonsense and never has been with any exes.
Neither am I but I feel he could tag me now and again when we are places together.
Aibu or plain ridiculous.
I've met all his family friends and colleagues fwiw and we are very much a couple publically.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/12/2021 12:45

@emilyinlondon

I guess my ex wouldn't see it. We are a secret on social media and I don't like it I guess.
I think this is known as wanting to piss up your boyfriend's social media leg.

Hands offff my maaaan or I'll fight you on the chip shop floor.

QforCucumber · 30/12/2021 12:45

Dh and I have been together 10 years, we have never tagged or posted to each other etc, and this year he’s actually deactivated fb so my relationship status etc don’t exist anymore. I’m 35, and could not care less. I know I’m with him on holiday, because I’m there I don’t need fb to tell me.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 12:46

@emilyinlondon

He does know what my lawyer has said.
So isn't the obvious answer here that he's sticking to the advice and looking out for you?

I dont understand what the problem is Confused

WhatAHexIGotInto · 30/12/2021 12:48

I don't understand why this would be any kind of issue for you to be honest. You're in your 40s, does this really matter? Isn't your priority to get your divorce with as little drama as possible?

Original poster
emilyinlondon · 30/12/2021 12:50

@WorraLiberty I have not idea why your post means?
I know he's not married or in a relationship with anyone else.
I guess that by virtue of the fact that he tags me regularly, that should be enough to recognise us as a couple.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 30/12/2021 12:50

So he’s acting in line with your solicitors advice and protecting you from potential stress, delay and additional costs with your husband? I really can’t see issue.
Imagine the other way round. Bf tagging you constantly and gushing about his gf when lawyer said not to. Now your husband is kicking off and won’t agreed to divorce so it’s going to take another 12 months and cost you an extra £10,000. If you posted that everyone would agree bf was unreasonable. So it’s not fair to criticise him for behaving as he is.

Original poster
emilyinlondon · 30/12/2021 12:52

Thansk@Dixiechickonhols. Your post makes sense.I guess I'm feeling somewhat sensitive about it this morning.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 30/12/2021 12:55

This is both ridiculous and nonsensical. So your boyfriend tags you in places, but doesn't acknowledge you on social media? And your lawyer has advised you, not to be public on sm, which your boyfriend knows about and is respecting (only he isn't as he's tagging you), and you're upset about this?
Grow up.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 30/12/2021 12:55

[quote emilyinlondon]Thansk@Dixiechickonhols. Your post makes sense.I guess I'm feeling somewhat sensitive about it this morning.[/quote]
But why? Why do you have the need to "mark your territory" so to speak? Are you afraid some other women might make a pass if they thought he was single? Are you normally insecure in other ways too?

Dixiechickonhols · 30/12/2021 12:56

I think worra means you want him to be publicly with you on sm to warn off other women he’s taken. Like in old American films boyfriends gave girls a ring or their sweater.
If he’s tagging you than what else do you want? For his status to say in a relationship.
If you are satisfied he’s single and enjoy being with him I’d not say a thing until after divorce.

Original poster
emilyinlondon · 30/12/2021 12:57

Thanks folks.

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 30/12/2021 13:08

I don't think this is about declarations of love on social media. If you ex is the sort to make things difficult because you are in a new relationship, he is clearly an arse and a selfish arse. I think you are worried that you may be falling in love with another selfish arse. Not because he necessarily is but because once bitten, twice shy. Judge him on other criteria, not this one.

Ohmybod · 30/12/2021 13:11

I cannot believe you are in your mid 40’s and have posted this. Of course YABU, you know that.

What do you need to do about it? Get off social media, give yourself a break and start living life in the real world. Consider whether or not you have an addiction to social media that needs addressing, given your ridiculous reaction and post.

AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 30/12/2021 13:14

You’re going against the advice of your professionally qualified lawyer and asking the folk on mumsnet instead?

Ohmybod · 30/12/2021 13:17

@emilyinlondon

We really are not the gushy type but it feels weird to see him post photos of places that we visit and holidays and there is no evidence that we are together. Just feels strange.
Are you happy when you visit those places? Do you have fun there and laugh and enjoy food and the views together and the vibe and the shared experience etc etc…because, you do know, that is what matters? The real experience, and not a couple of pics posted later on. And you do know that literally no one else cares that you are not tagged in the photos and all the friends or followers are not sat in a circle concluding that your relationship is a sham because you weren’t tagged or snapped snogging under the Eiffel Tower or giggling together on the beach…(is that what you’re really worried about?)
Snorkmaidenn · 30/12/2021 13:22

Delete your social media account.
Free yourself of these pointless games.
You will become a real person having a real life.

TractorAndHeadphones · 30/12/2021 13:31

OP you’ve studiously avoided all questions asking whether your BF is a regular poster.
If he is I can see why you want to be tagged abut YABU to not follow lawyer advice.
If he isn’t YABVVU.

GiveMeNovocain · 30/12/2021 13:35

In my experience, the more public interactions I see between a couple, the closer that are to a break up. The loudest love is rarely the most secure

WonderfulYou · 30/12/2021 13:35

YABVU you sound about 13 and you seem more concerned about wanting to rub it in your exes face than just being happy in real life.

I don’t think I’ve changed my relationship status on there since I was about 14.

Stop trying to do things to impress other people.
Keep your relationship private and enjoy it.

WonderfulYou · 30/12/2021 13:36

In my experience, the more public interactions I see between a couple, the closer that are to a break up. The loudest love is rarely the most secure

I completely agree!

I can always tell the ones in happy relationships vs non happy relationships by the amount they post.

The more they post = the less happy they are.

Anoisagusaris · 30/12/2021 13:39

You are saying he does tag you and also that he doesn’t tag you??? I’m confused

zingally · 30/12/2021 13:41

Just some people aren't that "into" social media. Neither my best friend, or my husband have any sort of social media presence (they have accounts, but never look at them). I don't tag either of them in things, because they're never going to see it/care.

Original poster
emilyinlondon · 30/12/2021 13:42

He is a regular poster of memes but not friends/ family/ kids.
That's not his style.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 30/12/2021 13:44

In the nicest possible way you need to grow up

In the great scheme of things does it really matter?

Toottooot · 30/12/2021 13:45

Aw how cute, you want to be ‘Facebook official’ 🤣

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