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Original poster

To reject this gift

29 replies

ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 11:17

I'm so so sorry that this is long, but I thank you for taking the time to read it. I really need guidance.

I'm on the fence about this one, but leaning more towards rejecting the gift.

Basically my mother and I live in separate countries. My DC is 17 months old and has never met her. When DC was first born my mother congratulated me and sent some money for the baby, which was appreciated.

We have never had a particularly close relationship, but things have gotten progressively worse since DC was born, as she makes no effort with my DC and my darling child deserves better.

DCs 1st birthday came and went and I didn't receive so much as a text from my mother. I had a milestone birthday this year and, again, no text.

A few months ago, I was in her country visiting my brother. My sister lives in the same town as my mother and was driving down (5 hour drive) to meet my DC as a birthday surprise to me. My mother had the opportunity to hop in the car with my DS, and come and meet my DC and see me for the first time in 4.5 years, but chose not to as she wanted to visit her father instead (apparently she couldn't do this any other weekend 🙄). My mother told my DS that this is because her father is old and "could die soon"........but he's in perfectly good health Hmm.

I hadn't bothered to make contact to tell her how much this hurt me, I didn't see the point. Christmas day comes and she texts to wish us a Merry Christmas and informs me that she'll be sending DC a gift in the post. I thanked her for the offer, but told her that I felt she had made it clear that she didn't want to be a part of ours lives, so a gift wasn't necessary.

She has now put money into my account for DC. I want to tell her that she can't buy us. We don't want her money or gifts, we wanted her time and love, but she chose another path. It's too late now.

She's been begging me not cut her out of mine and DCs lives, but I know she'll offer to make more of an effort, and let us down again, and again, and again. I'm so used to this treatment from her, but I don't want my DC to have to get used to it.

Do I return the money and tell her thanks, but leave us alone? Or do I buy something for DC with it?

OP posts:
AnotherMansCause · 30/12/2021 11:21

I'd stick it in a savings account for your child.

If you're barely in contact with your mother, how sure are you that her father is actually in good health?

littleowls83 · 30/12/2021 11:27

It's probably less hassle on the long run to go very low contact rather than cut her off altogether and her repeatedly make a fuss. Yes she is being shit but she clearly doesn't recognise that despite you telling her. Just don't ever expect anything and then you won't be disappointed.

littleowls83 · 30/12/2021 11:28

So just bank the money in savings for your child and move on from the drama.

Frazzled50yrold · 30/12/2021 11:29

I agree with the poster above. Be a bit more mercenary, imagine how expensive education is going to be. You can't force your mother to be a good grandparent. I think becoming a grandparent is a huge transition for some people and there are strange societal issues to deal with. I became a grandmother in my mid fifties and was asked by colleagues did I need assistance to my seat, careful not to break a hip etc. I was also asked if I would now retire to look after the child, my son is president of a bank and they knew the birth hasn't created a huge financial crisis for the couple.

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 11:38

@AnotherMansCause

I'd stick it in a savings account for your child.

If you're barely in contact with your mother, how sure are you that her father is actually in good health?

I'm in contact with other family members, so I find out through them.
OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 30/12/2021 11:53

I am nc with my dm. At Christmas she puts quite a chunk of cash in my bank. Half I spend on food etc and the rest put away for holidays. The dc know she 'contributes' to xmas goodies. I don't feel bad. Call it compensation for having her as a dm!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/12/2021 11:57

I'd be a pragmatist
Let her put money in the account but I wouldn't thank or acknowledge it and I wouldn't let it influence my relationship with or behaviour to her

They eventually get the message and you'll have some extra cash (in my case it was about 2k before they got the hint I couldn't be bought)

TheHoptimist · 30/12/2021 12:18

As my granny says the road runs 2 ways
You went to see your brother but not her?

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 12:23

@TheHoptimist

As my granny says the road runs 2 ways You went to see your brother but not her?
She lives with her abusive alcohol partner. I wouldn't take my child there.
OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 30/12/2021 12:28

You could stay in a hotel or with your sister?
Did you maintain a relationship between DD and DM- FaceTime calls etc?

What effort did you make to develop a relationship between them?

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 12:31

I used to make the effort with my mother. I then realised that it was all one sided, so I backed off. I then noticed that she wouldn't bother with me for months at a time. I've maintained this level since DC was born.

I can't afford a hotel, and my sister lives with her DP at his dad's. Hence, I stayed with my brother, as we are close and he has plenty of space.

OP posts:
Looubylou · 30/12/2021 12:38

I was with you, with the exception of dramatically refusing gift, until you mentioned your mother is in an abusive relationship. This likely significantly affects her decisions, actions, responses, and availability. Could you not stay closer to her? I would accept gifts graciously - it may be all she feels she can do, and it seems cruel to deny her that.

Looubylou · 30/12/2021 12:39

Cross posted re accommodation.

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 12:56

@Looubylou

I was with you, with the exception of dramatically refusing gift, until you mentioned your mother is in an abusive relationship. This likely significantly affects her decisions, actions, responses, and availability. Could you not stay closer to her? I would accept gifts graciously - it may be all she feels she can do, and it seems cruel to deny her that.
She's been in abusive relationships my entire life. A lot of which I have had to witness. I've seen her beaten many many times by her boyfriends, and she never changes, she just insists on being with toxic, awful men. That's a whole other thread though.

I hear you about it being cruel though tbh. Under normal circumstances I would completely agree. But I think her level of cruelty far outweighs mine in walking away from her.

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 30/12/2021 13:12

Take the money and put it in a savings account. Spend it on accommodation near your mother next time you visit.

2Gen · 30/12/2021 16:45

Has your mother consistently chosen men over you, and abusive men at that OP? If so, she has willingly exposed you to abuse when you were a child, hasn't learnt anything and you are right to keep your DC away! Take no notice of those who are trying to guilt-trip you!
You're living in a different country now so, as she was never there for your DC, nor you really, what do you need her now for? Take the money as compo for her neglect, because keeping your kids round abusive men IS neglect at the very least, and put it in a savings account for your child. She's probably sending it to ease her conscience but it takes more than that to make up for years of neglect and putting horrible men before you kids, doesn't it OP? I doubt she'll change now so give yourself time to heal and accept she wasn't a great mum and won't be a great gran either and it's not your fault. Go LC at least and focus on your DC and your life in your chosen country. See your brother and sister when you can but let your mother go or at least on a long lead as she is weak and can never be the mum you would like her to be! My mother is similar OP- I didn't hear from her for years, now she's just sent us a Card and emails just moaning about how awful things are for her- oh yeah and a Happy Christmas to you too mother! Flippin' 'eck, lol!. She lives 1000s of miles away though so I don't get too involved and have stopped expecting her to act as if DS or me are that important to her- she has been forgetting my date of birth for decades for instance and ignored DS on his last birthday- and just emailed "Sorry to hear that. Hope next year is better for you." and haven't sent a Christmas card because she didn't send us one for a couple of years and ignored our birthdays completely so I'd thought she was blanking me. I'm not going to get sucked into the drama! It feel like a big weight off when you stop caring OP! I wish you all the best!

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/12/2021 16:48

It's a gift to your child, not to you, so I don't think it's yours to return. Put it in the child's savings account. Let them decide what to do with it when they're old enough.

BonnesVacances · 30/12/2021 16:52

Agree with pp to just bank the money. You can make your feelings clear by going LC or NC. But take the money, unless it comes with strings attached.

Lavanderrose · 30/12/2021 17:14

Most posters here don’t understand what it’s like to have an unloving mother and so can’t understand where you’re coming from. Do what you feel is best for you and your child and if that means going NC then do it. Forgot about the money, use it to buy something for your DC if you wish but don’t feel bad about keeping it as you were clear that you didn’t want anything from her.

gorseinon · 30/12/2021 17:20

Either put the money in an account for your child, or donate it to charity.

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 17:25

@2Gen

Has your mother consistently chosen men over you, and abusive men at that OP? If so, she has willingly exposed you to abuse when you were a child, hasn't learnt anything and you are right to keep your DC away! Take no notice of those who are trying to guilt-trip you! You're living in a different country now so, as she was never there for your DC, nor you really, what do you need her now for? Take the money as compo for her neglect, because keeping your kids round abusive men IS neglect at the very least, and put it in a savings account for your child. She's probably sending it to ease her conscience but it takes more than that to make up for years of neglect and putting horrible men before you kids, doesn't it OP? I doubt she'll change now so give yourself time to heal and accept she wasn't a great mum and won't be a great gran either and it's not your fault. Go LC at least and focus on your DC and your life in your chosen country. See your brother and sister when you can but let your mother go or at least on a long lead as she is weak and can never be the mum you would like her to be! My mother is similar OP- I didn't hear from her for years, now she's just sent us a Card and emails just moaning about how awful things are for her- oh yeah and a Happy Christmas to you too mother! Flippin' 'eck, lol!. She lives 1000s of miles away though so I don't get too involved and have stopped expecting her to act as if DS or me are that important to her- she has been forgetting my date of birth for decades for instance and ignored DS on his last birthday- and just emailed "Sorry to hear that. Hope next year is better for you." and haven't sent a Christmas card because she didn't send us one for a couple of years and ignored our birthdays completely so I'd thought she was blanking me. I'm not going to get sucked into the drama! It feel like a big weight off when you stop caring OP! I wish you all the best!
I'm so sorry to hear this! You and your DC deserve so much better. I feel so resentful of mothers who behave this better, they choose to have children, and then choose to neglect their children, how cruel.

You're wonderful, and you and your beautiful DC deserve more than this. I feel your pain, it's awful to know the one person in the world who is biologically programmed to love you can't, because she's so broken Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 17:26

@DivorcedAndDelighted

It's a gift to your child, not to you, so I don't think it's yours to return. Put it in the child's savings account. Let them decide what to do with it when they're old enough.
This is fair, and a very good point actually.
OP posts:
Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 17:27

@Lavanderrose

Most posters here don’t understand what it’s like to have an unloving mother and so can’t understand where you’re coming from. Do what you feel is best for you and your child and if that means going NC then do it. Forgot about the money, use it to buy something for your DC if you wish but don’t feel bad about keeping it as you were clear that you didn’t want anything from her.
Thank you so much! I'll put it into DCs bank account
OP posts:
givethatbabyaname · 30/12/2021 17:32

What a mess.

The money is the least of your problems.

Your mum is trying (but failing you). You’re not getting what you need from her and likely never will.

Whatever she can do for her grandchild, take it from her for the child’s sake. Look at it from the child’s perspective. One day you will say “she didn’t do xyz, but she did do abc”.

Leave it at that.

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 30/12/2021 17:39

@givethatbabyaname

What a mess.

The money is the least of your problems.

Your mum is trying (but failing you). You’re not getting what you need from her and likely never will.

Whatever she can do for her grandchild, take it from her for the child’s sake. Look at it from the child’s perspective. One day you will say “she didn’t do xyz, but she did do abc”.

Leave it at that.

Thank you for this ❤ you're absolutely right! It's not about me at all, it's about DC.
OP posts:
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