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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Arguments-“thick fucker”

56 replies

Somebodyotherbody · 29/12/2021 23:08

Right! So me and my husband had an argument lastnight. Been married a number of years now and have young children.

So I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon. He already goes to the gym nearly everyday for excessive number of hours say around 3-4 sometimes even more and defeats the purpose of going as he eats junk food straight after coming back as he either orders dessert or buys something on his way back. I tell him what’s the point of going there if you eat shit straight after. And he says in reply most wives would be supportive of their husbands and say kind things to encourage them not to eat junk and tell them they will reach their weight goal instead of making them feel like shit🤔. Anyway the time he’s away for is beside the point that’s a whole other issue.

I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon too as I would like to better my health and lose a lot of weight. Had a baby few months ago and I work part time and handle majority of things related to the kids.

So he when I told him that I wanted to start the gym he said “well you better start paying the bills as I won’t be able to work as much once you start going to the gym as well as work”
Stupid statement as I contribute MASSIVELY to bills/household costs honestly! He’s saying as he’s self employed he can’t work as much, however I have been off work on maternity for a very long time yet didn’t see much change to his finances. You’d think he would back his point and earn more whilst I’m off work as he has all the time in the world to work and go to the gym. Does anybody else agree or disagree that this is him saying sit your ass down and don’t go anywhere??

Anyhoo iv gone off track a bit….so we carried on arguing/discussing things back and forth and somehow came to the point where he first said “you’re thick” and followed that up with “you thick fucker” to me. I was shocked and said “I’m thick why?”. He said how do you expect me to pay bills if your working 2 days out of the 7 and going to add gym to that list?”. He said I’m just trying to keep him indoors locked away lol. I said my word you’ve not took advantage of the time iv been at home with the kids so how would me working and going to the gym affect your earnings?”. I have a career to which I won’t give up as I worked hard to get there . Today is now a day later, he came back in from work, I’m not speaking to him and he hasn’t said a word to me at all. Not even a text message. I mean we argue time to time and end up not talking to each other sometimes as I’m sure happens in other people marriages however I felt so sick after he used them words during our argument. The argument happened late at night when we were in bed and I turned over and just went to sleep. Whenever we do argue though he always always wins, as in I end up just going silent because I’m shit at arguing back. He calls me too sensitive as I just go silent during arguments.

Am I too sensitive? Overreacting?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/12/2021 23:12

Do you have equal leisure time?

If not, why not, because how could anyone argue anything other than that is not fair?

feistymumma · 29/12/2021 23:15

You are neither sensitive nor overreacting. He is saying that to shut you up so you think he is unreasonable. Calling you a thick fucker is disgusting under any circumstances. He should be supporting you in going to the gym not trying to put you off it.

Shouldbedoing · 29/12/2021 23:15

He doesn't respect you. It's the beginning of the end.

phishy · 29/12/2021 23:16

He’s a financially and verbally abusive dick head.

Next time he swears at you or calls you thick call him a fucking gobshite and tell him to shut the fuck up.

smurfsss · 29/12/2021 23:16

So much going on here.

  1. He goes to the gym 3 hours a day?? When does he see the DC?
  1. What does you working or not working have anything to do with going to the gym? Surely you'd just go in the early morning or evening like everyone else with a job and/or small children?
  1. The name calling doesn't really matter here. I'm trying to grapple with his and your point about going to the gym and how it affects finances Confused
DrManhattan · 29/12/2021 23:18

Has he got exercise addiction or does he just not want to be at home? I'd LTB. You deserve better

Mybalconyiscracking · 29/12/2021 23:18

Are you sure he’s going to the gym? Maybe he doesn’t want you going because he is hiding something?

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/12/2021 23:19

This all sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic. He has an issue with you going to the gym for some reason. And it’s not because you’ll be stopping him from working.

He doesn’t want to be left to parent his own child(ren) and/or he doesn’t want you having a life outside the home and/or getting fitter and more confident.

Probably all of the above. You know he’s being very unreasonable. What are you going to do about it? And the silent treatment is pretty shitty no matter which of you is dishing it out, so don’t worry about not being able to ‘win’ in an argument, but do put your point across and tell him you won’t stand for him being verbally abusive to you.

I think you probably need to split up as I’m sure this is the tip of the iceberg but I know that at the moment that might seem like a lot. So for now, just know that he has no right to stop you going out. If he’s going to make it awkward then find childcare so that you can get out and get fit. Then when you’re feeling up to it, plan your exit.

GoneAndNameChangedAgain · 29/12/2021 23:21

It’s weird to be dedicated enough to spend 3-4 hours at the gym (everyday?!) and then immediately come home and undo all his supposedly good work. If you’re planning on joining the same gym I’d assume that he maybe hasn’t been going to the gym at all, or certainly not as much as he’s claiming.

Sinner10 · 29/12/2021 23:26

Are you sure he’s going to the gym? I know some people love the gym and it’s their downtime but I don’t think I’ve heard of anyone go that much who doesn’t work there.

christmaskittenincoming · 29/12/2021 23:27

Another vote for 'are you sure he is going to the gym'

Wowcherarestalkingme · 29/12/2021 23:29

You’ve got bigger problems than his use of language (disgusting as it was). Is there balance? What does he do if he is working full time and spending 3-4 hours in the gym? Does he do any childcare? Housework?
Is he actually going to the gym? Some red flags going up here

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 29/12/2021 23:31

I don't think he's been going to the gym.

Fiftythreepercent · 29/12/2021 23:32

He sounds like a gym addict hence the overreaction at the potential change in his routine meaning less gym time

Elieza · 29/12/2021 23:35

No way he’s going to the gym. Nobody with half a brain goes to the gym for three hours and then eats crap on the way home. Or if he does, HES the thick one.

He’s trying to make sure YOU don’t go - as then you’ll catch him out As he’s certainly not there as much as he claims.

He sounds disrespectful and not very nice. He seems to be going to wherever it is to avoid you and the children. Lazy bastard. Sounds a right catch. Not.

Sure you want to stay with him? He doesn’t sound like a good, caring guy.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 29/12/2021 23:39

Gym 3 hrs a day, is he an Olympic athlete.😳🤣

Somebodyotherbody · 29/12/2021 23:46

To follow up, I probably do majority of child related things, however he contributes too. He does do school pick ups drop offs if I’m not off or if I’m at home. He takes one of the kids to swimming and boxing once a week. The others are too young for hobbies yet. He never does the house shop, cleaning, cooking or the like. He does bedtime if home. Yep so someday he comes back home 6pm then goes gym around 7pm and doesn’t come back until 10ish, obviously kids are in bed at this time. He’s way way too lazy to go in the mornings he would never wake up.
His work although self employed guarantees work 3 days a week the other 4 days he has to go and ensure he earns by putting the time in, sometimes he doesn't get fantastic money for the days he isn’t guaranteed money however with his like of work theres peaks throughout the year and seen as he has been doing this type of work for a number of years you’d think he would know when the best time tow put the hours or days in would be in addition to his 3 days.

He always says get hobbies if you like to me but where would I fit in with his schedule ey!

Yes I have told him numerous times the hours he goes to the gym is unreasonable. No I’m sure that he’s at the gym and his best buddy who doesn’t have any commitments goes with him to every session as they do weights etc. I can easily track hubby on his phone. This is not trust related I have no trust problems with him. I’m sure some of you will say you’ve heard that plenty before but I’m sure.

Hope all of that makes sense 😤

OP posts:
Bringithome · 29/12/2021 23:51

@Mybalconyiscracking

Are you sure he’s going to the gym? Maybe he doesn’t want you going because he is hiding something?
This
LavenderHills · 29/12/2021 23:52

OP, could you manage financially without him? Because honestly, he sounds awful and I would LTB.

gamerchick · 29/12/2021 23:53

I dunno, sounds as if he doesn't want you to go to the gym. For a reason.

EdinaMonsoon · 29/12/2021 23:54

If one partner is spending 3-4 hours a day on their own hobby/interests, there is no room for the other partner to indulge in theirs. TBH he sounds like a controlling prick. He allegedly spends 3-4 hours in the gym and then eats crap. Yet blames you for lack of progress or not being supportive because you've dared to point out the bleedin' obvious?! You can't out exercise a shit diet. It just doesn't work that way. Nobody needs to spend that long working out every day. I say this as someone who is very fit & healthy and does a maximum 45 minutes 6 days a week (from home). It's also very telling that he's being so dismissive about the possibility of you taking exercise. I dare say you trust him OP, I don't see any reason to think he's not simply at the gym every day, but I suspect he fears you may actually make a success of the weight loss and that will somehow threaten him.

Ionlydomassiveones · 30/12/2021 00:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ElizabethT8 · 30/12/2021 00:10

Hi OP,
I'm a powerlifter and dgo to the gym every day. In 20 years I have never met a man who spends most nightds in the gymn doing 3 hours - then goes home and eats junk. NOT ONE. You just don't do that - you eat clean for the most part, and what is he doing for 4 hours when even a massive routine can be done in 2hrs, 3 times a week?

Also - your relationship is in big trouble - a man calling a woman "a thick fucker" means he holds you in utter contempt. Contempt is the beginning of the end of a relationship.

Thwackit · 30/12/2021 00:19

His behaviour is outrageous. Re his claims to be in the gym for 3-4 hours or more nearly every day. He would be in absolutely phenomenal shape if he really did that - the calorie intake needed would be huge and junk food after would burn quickly. So, is he? Or is the gym his excuse for fucking off to leave you dealing with everything at home?

I’m also suspicious of why he is so annoyed that you want to go to the gym too. Surely someone that into fitness would love you to be the same.

Thwackit · 30/12/2021 00:22

And Elizabeth is right - anyone serious enough about fitness that they train for hours daily is not going to eat junk food after every session. I actually don’t think I’d believe him. Even many elite athletes don’t exercise that much. Where’s his recovery time? I think the insults and anger are because he doesn’t want you turning up at the gym!

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