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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Arguments-“thick fucker”

56 replies

Somebodyotherbody · 29/12/2021 23:08

Right! So me and my husband had an argument lastnight. Been married a number of years now and have young children.

So I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon. He already goes to the gym nearly everyday for excessive number of hours say around 3-4 sometimes even more and defeats the purpose of going as he eats junk food straight after coming back as he either orders dessert or buys something on his way back. I tell him what’s the point of going there if you eat shit straight after. And he says in reply most wives would be supportive of their husbands and say kind things to encourage them not to eat junk and tell them they will reach their weight goal instead of making them feel like shit🤔. Anyway the time he’s away for is beside the point that’s a whole other issue.

I mentioned to him that I’ll be starting the gym soon too as I would like to better my health and lose a lot of weight. Had a baby few months ago and I work part time and handle majority of things related to the kids.

So he when I told him that I wanted to start the gym he said “well you better start paying the bills as I won’t be able to work as much once you start going to the gym as well as work”
Stupid statement as I contribute MASSIVELY to bills/household costs honestly! He’s saying as he’s self employed he can’t work as much, however I have been off work on maternity for a very long time yet didn’t see much change to his finances. You’d think he would back his point and earn more whilst I’m off work as he has all the time in the world to work and go to the gym. Does anybody else agree or disagree that this is him saying sit your ass down and don’t go anywhere??

Anyhoo iv gone off track a bit….so we carried on arguing/discussing things back and forth and somehow came to the point where he first said “you’re thick” and followed that up with “you thick fucker” to me. I was shocked and said “I’m thick why?”. He said how do you expect me to pay bills if your working 2 days out of the 7 and going to add gym to that list?”. He said I’m just trying to keep him indoors locked away lol. I said my word you’ve not took advantage of the time iv been at home with the kids so how would me working and going to the gym affect your earnings?”. I have a career to which I won’t give up as I worked hard to get there . Today is now a day later, he came back in from work, I’m not speaking to him and he hasn’t said a word to me at all. Not even a text message. I mean we argue time to time and end up not talking to each other sometimes as I’m sure happens in other people marriages however I felt so sick after he used them words during our argument. The argument happened late at night when we were in bed and I turned over and just went to sleep. Whenever we do argue though he always always wins, as in I end up just going silent because I’m shit at arguing back. He calls me too sensitive as I just go silent during arguments.

Am I too sensitive? Overreacting?

OP posts:
Thwackit · 30/12/2021 00:25

If you can track him and he’s definitely at the gym and not somewhere close by I bet they do 90 minutes and then sit about chatting so they don’t have to go home and deal with their responsibilities.

Pazuzu · 30/12/2021 00:28

Someone who goes the gym for that amount of time daily ain't eating junk food.

Male here and my gut feeling is he's playing away.

If he's not doing the dirty, he's still treating you like shit.

For once, got to say LTB.

Anordinarymum · 30/12/2021 00:57

He called you a disgusting name. He is the disgusting one here

Blue4YOU · 30/12/2021 01:03

Sure he isn’t shagging his “best mate”?
Op - his behaviour is repulsive- what are you going to do about it?

DockOTheBay · 30/12/2021 01:16

Is he a professional athlete or his work somehow related to going to the gym? If not it makes zero sense that you going to the gym would affect his income. Surely he could just go 3 times a week and you could go 3 times a week, rather than him everyday and you never.
However that would mean he had to look after his kids which I assume is the real problem here. I've never heard of a parent who only spend 1 hour a day with their kids and "occasionally" does bedtime when he is there.

When does he play with the preschoolers? When do you have time to spend as a couple? When do you get leisure time on your own? If the answer to these is "never" then what part is he actually playing in the family?

OppsUpsSide · 30/12/2021 01:24

Negative comments about his food choices when he gets back from the gym is passive aggressive bullshit.
It sounds like you both need to grow up and decide if you want a mutually supportive relationship or do everyone involved a favour and call it quits now.

Dogfacepacer · 30/12/2021 01:28

Who is he shagging?

LuluBlakey1 · 30/12/2021 01:28

'thick fucker' is about as contemptuous as it gets. He's vile. LTB.

ErmineAndPearls · 30/12/2021 01:38

My first thought was that he doesn’t want you to go to the gym because that’s “his” thing. Then I thought, girlfriend at the gym? It didn’t even cross my mind to question whether he really IS going to the gym!
However, I think the whole gym issue is a bit of a red herring. You’re a bit like a single parent anyway, and he’s your biggest child. Calling you thick just shows his utter disrespect for you. You deserve better.

madisonbridges · 30/12/2021 02:28

First of all, I go to the gym and I eat junk food. If I didn't eat so much junk food, I wouldn't need to bother going to the gym.

Secondly, what are you arguing about? I really don't understand your post and I've read it three times. It's a stupid scrap about going to the gym. If you want to go, go. Why are you getting into an argument about it? You earn as much if not more than him, so money isn't an issue, so tell him to suck it up or don't engage over it. Pay your subscription and get on with it.

DrManhattan · 30/12/2021 19:33

@madisonbridges
I think its because he called her a thick fucker.
I wouldn't take that from a stranger in the street, let alone someone who is meant to love me.

2022success · 30/12/2021 20:00

Dump him,

He is thick as mince.

Somebodyotherbody · 30/12/2021 20:41

@DockOTheBay
Nope his work isn’t fitness related at all. He says me commenting on the amount of days and hours he goes to the gym is a form of control 🤷🏽‍♀️. I can never win. He says when he’s home I’m never happy and I reply by saying well why would I be happy as ur only here around an hour before I myself go to bed and am knackered from the day. Am I supposed to greet him all happily. Obviously him working is him working but going to the gym for another 3hrs on top of a work day when being married and having a family takes the piss. His mum is 10 x worse I don’t speak to her. She says it’s none of my business where he goes or how long he spends there!

Sometimes he will sway going to the gym until he’s out the kids to bed so that I can get a bit of rest. Not that my kids have a long bedtime routine at all it’s all over and done with in 15 mins so not long at all. We have no is time apart from watching a movie or a series if I have the courage to stay up late. Not ideal with being a parent if young children. Yes i have exactly said he can go 3 times and I can go 2-3 times a week. I feel like the children just see the back of him all the time.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 30/12/2021 20:47

Tell the thick fucker you married that if he didn't spend 3 - 4 hours at the gym several times a week he could manage to pay the bills.

To be honest, it sounds more like he's having an affair than in the gym for all this time. Your marriage sounds dead in the water, OP.

BustyLaRoux · 30/12/2021 22:34

That way of speaking to you is just so abusive. His attitude is utterly selfish and self interested. I had a DH like this. He did do some stuff with the kids. Did a bit of taking to school (when I had an early start at work once a fortnight) and did some turn taking with activities at the weekend. I worked full-time but for some reason he decided it was my job to take the kids to school and pick them up (unless work prevented me in which case he would do it - but I had to book it with him in advance). He went to them gym twice a day. Once before work (so I had to take the kids to school) and then again after work - so I had to pick them up and make their dinner and clear up. Then he would get home and we would take it in turns with doing their bath. Him managing to escape making their dinner every single night. Oh and if I did leave some mess in the kitchen he would say it was my job to clean it up as it was mess I had made (yes, by feeding his kids!!) In order to find time to exercise I had to get up at 5am and do workouts in the lounge before anyone else got up. Whereas it was fine for him to go to the gym twice a fucking day! My time just wasn’t important. I wasn’t treated as an equal. I did ALL the cleaning. And the weekly shop. And all the laundry. He did the hoovering (once every six weeks!) looked after the garden (mowed once a fortnight but only in the summer) and according to him this was his fair share. I said him going to the gym twice a day was too much. It wasn’t fair. I had to forgo my lunch break at work every day so I could arrive late at work in order to be able to take the kids to school every day. My DH on the other hand got a nice half hour in the corner of the canteen to eat lunch and read his book in peace! The cleaning wasn’t fair. Him going to the gym twice a day wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. If I tried to tell him so he would say I just wanted to ruin things that I knew he enjoyed!! And didn’t I want him to be fit??! Did I want him to die young? It was so controlling and yet somehow he managed to make it sound like I was being controlling!
He would also call me a “vile cunt” fairly often. And make no apology for it. I’d say how upsetting it was to be married to someone who felt that language was acceptable language to use to his DW. He would say “well stop being such a vile cunt then!”. I could never make my feelings heard. Never win an argument.
I am sorry to say that your situation sounds all too familiar. Yes he does some stuff. But you do the lions share by far. And you’re made to feel guilty for wanting more balance. Told you’re controlling. Had insults hurled at you.
It’s what they do when they have nothing else in their arsenal. Resort to nasty abusive language to upset you. Then they can complain about your reaction.
Honestly, I don’t know if you can see it now, but it probably won’t get better. The kids will get older and you won’t be in so much demand. You might be able to find a bit more time for yourself. But it won’t be at his cost. It will be because the kids don’t need you so much. One day then maybe you’ll realise you’re worth more than this tosser is willing to give you. It’s especially hard when you have young kids and feel like you don’t have the independence or the money or the courage to step away from this abusive relationship. It won’t get better. If he treats you like that, speaks to you like that, devalues your time in favour of his own and then tries to turn the tables on you (the manipulative arsehole!) and make out like you’re the controlling one. Argh! This was my life OP. The only solution was to LTB. It hasn’t been easy. But I am myself now. I don’t need to justify how I spend my time. No one speaks to me like a piece of shit anymore. I realise my own worth. I am actually wonderful as it turns out!!
Sorry for the long post. Your situation resonated with me on so many levels. Whatever you decide to do, love yourself and be kind to yourself. You don’t deserve crap but if you put up with it then that’s what you’ll get I’m sorry to say. Xxx

Teacupsandtoast · 30/12/2021 22:38

4 hours at the gym and he still isnt fit/at goal weight? Where is he really? He isnt that bothered about his earnings - if he was, he wouldnt go to the gym 4 hours a day. He just doesn't want your activity to eat in to his free time

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 30/12/2021 22:45

He is a selfish prick.

His argument make zero sense.

In all honesty you have a bad egg. He's selfish and clearly doesn't think of you and how you feel. Nor does he acknowledge your contribution (financial and time) to the family.

It's about time to have serious words with him. You shouldnt have to put up with that.

BreakingGood45 · 30/12/2021 22:58

Sounds like he doesn't want you going to his gym. Also what a prick!

saafa · 30/12/2021 23:01

Sorry OP, but he sounds as thick as they come. He will never understand basic sense because he’s utterly dense in the head. I don’t know what you can do about this.

saafa · 30/12/2021 23:03

Also he is abusive, for sure. How dare he speak to you like that. You are the mother if his children. I would be disgusted beyond belief.

MadeForThis · 30/12/2021 23:33

He might be at the gym but he's hanging out, not working out.

CelestiaNoctis · 31/12/2021 03:02

Sounds like you've been eating a big plate of shit for some time now. Either continue to swallow it or shove it back in his face and move on. He sounds like a waste of space honestly.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2021 08:41

Your excuse of a husband has shown his true colours and they are ugly.

Anyone who says those evil words, irrespective of whether they are deserved or not (and definitely not in your case) deserves to be history. How can you come back from an insult like that - he doesn't have any respect for you and has low self-esteem. Dump and run is my only advice.

LittleMG · 31/12/2021 09:37

I’d kick his arse all around the bedroom!

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2021 10:04

So he can spend hours in the gym pretty much every day (supposedly) but he's against you going too? Nah, fuck that!

He might be going to the gym every day but I am highly suspicious that he spends all the time there.

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