Tit for tat parenting - AIBU

[Homerenonovice]

Need to check whether I have been unreasonable here and need to go apologise to my DH.

I went out last night, asked DH what time he was happy for me to leave. He asked that I put DD2 down to bed just before 7 and then go. She usually goes to bed at 7.30.

Tonight DH decides to go to the gym, at 6.30 he asks me to get DD2 her milk, I said it was too early. At 7pm he asks if he can leave. I said not until DD2 is down but she needs her milk.

DH kicked off about how unfair it was as he’d done most of the work with the children today. On reflection he had but I don’t see why it’s relevant. I’ve done more of the house work most of the week but I didn’t use that to get out earlier yesterday. I also didn’t complain that my table for dinner was actually booked for 7 and I’d be arriving late.

So was I unreasonable to not let him go at 7?

You both sound incredibly petty. Can neither of you put a child to bed on your own?

YABU and to be frank childish. ‘Letting’ each other go half an hour later, you refusing to let him give your child milk then half an hour later saying he can go but she needs her milk which he recently tried to get her? You both need to grow up a bit. If most of the week you’re both there and both as involved if you’re going out it shouldn’t matter. When I go out it’s not on the condition that the kids are down I just go. Same with DH- if he’s playing golf with a friend he doesn’t wait until the baby naps or whatever he goes when they have agreed. The rest of the time we are present and both fully involved so ‘time off’ isn’t rationed!

I went out last night, asked DH what time he was happy for me to leave.

Why? Why not just say, "I have something booked at 7pm, can you cover? And he does. I assume he goes out. When he does, do you put her down or does he? Going to the gym at 6.30pm when I'm going out at 7pm would annoy me.

I don't understand why you don't just either book dinner for after dds Bedtime or more likely tell the other adult you're keeping people waiting and go. Then "let" him go to the gym when he wants. Bizarre.

You’re both unreasonable to mess around your child/child’s bedtime over a petty squabble over a few minutes here or there.

This doesn’t exactly sound like a happy or healthy relationship.

Why does it take two of you to out the child to bed? 🤔

It really doesn't sound like you are working as a team to parent your dc.

YABU
If your table was booked for 7pm then that's when you should have gone for, unless you were happy to arrive late. Why would you ask your DH what time he is happy for you to leave his child with their father? If you opt to be late for your table then it's not martyr credit to store up for another day.

He wants to go to the gym tonight. He could easily go to the gym tonight and bedtime could be done by you as the child's mum, but you decided that he can't go at 7pm because it's not bedtime yet.

I see his point about wanting to go to the gym when you've had a long day with the children. Sometimes you just want to clock off and unwind at the end of a long day.

Your choice to be late for your table and the fact you did more housework earlier suggests that you're either prone to tit for tat thinking, or there's a bigger question about how responsibility is split in the home.

Asking what time you’re allowed out? Did that for a game of soldiers.
You both sound as petty as each other. Pray to god I’m never in such a miserable petty relationship.

I think you are both being petty and need to be a bit more mature in dealing with situations like this.

Is DD2 your second child or a two year old?

Oh I see you've written 'children', sorry!

Does it really need both of you there every evening to put the children to bed?

And you're both the parents?!

What an odd relationship. If you have plans, then you just tell the OH, what is all the asking when can anyone go anywhere?
You need to sit down together and work out what's going on.

I find it difficult to put both kids to bed myself as they have the same bedtime, different stories to due age appropriateness and DD2 is bf to sleep but there are ways around it. DH on the other hand as of yet cant put DD2 down, its our goal for this year.

It sounds like you need to try and figure out how you can both do a solo bedtime.

Thank you for your feedback.

Yep, all does feel really petty and no I’m not in a happy relationship. But that’s a problem for another day.

We have two children, I regularly put both girls to bed by myself. He regularly makes sure that I put the youngest the bed before I go out. He regularly feels that he does the most, when he doesn’t. He doesn’t see anything that I actually do.

What you've written, the details, don't really matter.
Just - what a thoroughly miserable and tedious way to live.

It isn't healthy op. A healthy relationship...

'Table us booked for 7, do you mind if I go at 6.45'
'Go for it, I've got this, have fun'

'I fancy the gym tonight, you ok to put dd to bed'
'Sure, have fun.'

God if I'm on a night out I basically "clock off" around 4pm/as soon as dh gets in from work so I can go and get ready in peace, do nails, meet a friend for pre drinks etc.

He is similar.

What's the deal with asking what time you can leave?! "Dh the table is booked for 7 so I'll be leaving the house around 6.30, have a lovely evening with the girls"

When you have something booked or want to go out just say "I'm off out at x tkme see you later" or whatever. I don't understand why you needed to ask and why you were so petty the next day. Me and dh go out when we want as much as we want without taking the piss. We are partners and want each other to have a life and enjoy ourselves. The other just carries on parenting.

Your relationship sounds in need of work in regards to communication. This is really unhealthy.

You're enabling his learned helplessness.

He regularly makes sure that I put the youngest the bed before I go out.

Time to knock that on the head. Go out earlier.

How ridiculous. Why can't one of you go out and the other one put the kids to bed?

This is absurd.

If your table is booked for 7 you say “DH my table is booked for 7 so I’ll be leaving at 6:30. See you later” and he says “no problem, have a good night” the end.

It’s not really relevant but I didn’t really explain the table booking properly.

I asked DH what time he was happy for me to leave. He said 7. I said that to my friends and then they booked the table for 7. Despite this, DH wasn’t happy for me to leave earlier and then 20minutes before I was due to leave, threw out at me that I had to get the youngest down. It wasn’t worth the argument if I said no.

Also, DH didn’t try to give DD2 her milk, he told me to get her milk at 6.30.