Tit for tat parenting - AIBU

[Homerenonovice]

Need to check whether I have been unreasonable here and need to go apologise to my DH.

I went out last night, asked DH what time he was happy for me to leave. He asked that I put DD2 down to bed just before 7 and then go. She usually goes to bed at 7.30.

Tonight DH decides to go to the gym, at 6.30 he asks me to get DD2 her milk, I said it was too early. At 7pm he asks if he can leave. I said not until DD2 is down but she needs her milk.

DH kicked off about how unfair it was as he’d done most of the work with the children today. On reflection he had but I don’t see why it’s relevant. I’ve done more of the house work most of the week but I didn’t use that to get out earlier yesterday. I also didn’t complain that my table for dinner was actually booked for 7 and I’d be arriving late.

So was I unreasonable to not let him go at 7?

If I'm going our all my partner asks is that I let him know the date so he ensures he doesn't book in for his voluntary role in the evenings!

Today he randomly took our three out so I could have some time to myself.

Your relationship doesn't sound healthy which I suspect is the real issue.

If he can't put dd2 to bed then you need to go out more and earlier, so he gets used to it.

I also wouldn't be late because my partner is useless. That's rude.

Unless it's because he wont finish work til then I dont understand why its DHS decision what time you leave the house.

It wasn’t worth the argument if I said no

Well, its going to have to be worth the argument at some point otherwise this is literally your life now. And the kind of thing your dds will accept in their own future relationships.

Have a talk with him tomorrow about this and your expectations from him as a father

@Homerenonovice

Thank you for your feedback.

Yep, all does feel really petty and no I’m not in a happy relationship. But that’s a problem for another day.

We have two children, I regularly put both girls to bed by myself. He regularly makes sure that I put the youngest the bed before I go out. He regularly feels that he does the most, when he doesn’t. He doesn’t see anything that I actually do.

This is the real problem and not one that you can keep pushing aside. All the petty, trivial issues will disappear if you resolve the real issue.

My ex was like your DH. I had to put the DC to bed before I went out. If he did so much as change a nappy in the evening then he refused to do anything the next day with the dc.

Note he's an ex.

Sorry, this i the relevant part -

Yep, all does feel really petty and no I’m not in a happy relationship. But that’s a problem for another day.

Your relationship isn't a separate problem. It is all connected.

Your relationship isn't a separate problem. It is all connected.
Agreed, in fact the relationship IS the problem.

Very petty. You should be trying to make life easier for each other.

@Heronwatcher

Very petty. You should be trying to make life easier for each other.

Sounds like the OP already does this, unreciprocated.

Time for him to get used to putting the youngest to bed by himself.

He'll need it for contact visits.

@Homerenonovice

It’s not really relevant but I didn’t really explain the table booking properly.

I asked DH what time he was happy for me to leave. He said 7. I said that to my friends and then they booked the table for 7. Despite this, DH wasn’t happy for me to leave earlier and then 20minutes before I was due to leave, threw out at me that I had to get the youngest down. It wasn’t worth the argument if I said no.

Also, DH didn’t try to give DD2 her milk, he told me to get her milk at 6.30.

He sounds controlling, and your relationship sounds unhappy. In a loving and equal relationship, when one person goes out for the evening the other covers parenting duties and gladly.

Tbh it doesn't sound as if you love each other.

You weren't being unreasonable to treat him the same as he treated you, bit it is hard to see a future in your relationship.

I'd also be wary of talking about this in front of your children as these conversations make it sound like neither of you enjoy parenting, or even like your children.

It wasn’t worth the argument if I said no.

I guarantee it's worth the argument.