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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Credit card bill

199 replies

Creditcardshame · 29/12/2021 17:51

I am not sure if AIBU or not here.

We have a good income - DH is the main earner and I work PT. All the money goes into one pot and all the bills and savings come out, we then have our own accounts into which our personal spending money is paid. Our expenditure is quite high because we recently moved house and had some work to do on it. We are not on the breadline.

The savings are joint but DH keeps a close eye on them and I have to get his agreement to transfer any out.

DH has always had more personal spending money because he had more expenses - travel to work, lunches etc whereas I have always WFH. He has WFH since March 2020 but still gets £150 a month more than me.

However, I spend a lot of "my" money on the kids - a magazine, a hot chocolate after swimming, that kind of thing. I also spend my money if our joint account is a bit light.

I set some money aside for Christmas each month out of my spends usually as DH goes mad at the amount I spend. When I stopped buying for his side of the family he agreed with them not to bother with presents anymore, although he does still buy for his mum (which this year was something from Amazon and he used my account). This means the only other present he buys is for me and that is about £50.

I had to use most of my Christmas fund of £600 in November because we had to get an emergency plumber out for a leak. I used my credit card to buy presents etc instead as our joint account was also practically bare - bad month for things needing to be paid out plus DH spent an absolute fortune on the Christmas food (I guess around £500).

My credit card bill is £800 and DH has hit the roof. This breaks down to about £150 on the DC (including things like a Christmas jumper, new Christmas pyjamas etc), £200 on my sister and her family (there are 4 kids), £120 on the Christmas tree, some decorations, stocking Knick knacks and 24 Christmas crackers (we had both of our families over during the Christmas period) we also needed a new table cloth as we have a new table, £90 on presents for his 3 team members (yes, I buy them 🙄), his mum's present £40, my mum and step dad £100 (who do an enormous amount for us in terms of childcare), £40 for my dad and a wine order for £90, there were also small bits like postage for cards abroad.

I had to set out what each item was and who it was for. He says he will only give me £130 towards it for his mum and team (I have also suggested he will need to split the kids' presents and the wine but he is grumbling that he did not "authorise" these payments). It will take me about 3 months to clear the rest and leave me with about £50 a month to spend. Meanwhile we have £20k in savings.

I don't actually think I have spent more than usual, it's just that I usually cover it without any input from him from my personal spends.

OP posts:

dooooooo1234 · 29/12/2021 23:14

Nice one OP sounds like a really good plan forward. So pleased you have sorted and hope you re feeling better about it all. I need to do a similar thing with my husband and plan out spending a little better.

whynotwhatknot · 29/12/2021 23:45

wait a minute you understand because you didnt run the purchases past him

why should you have to-he might agree on certain things but youre still acting like hes your boss and you have to ask him first

LittleOwl153 · 30/12/2021 00:18

Hopefully you have sorted things out. But from my reading he owes the joint account 22months @£150 as its plain wrong he gets to take money for expenses he didn't incur. And then the balance needs to be reset. The pocket money for the kids sounds like a good plan so long as they do t have to start justifying every penny to their dad...

Hunderland · 30/12/2021 01:24

Fuck that. DH and I have a joint account from which I bought all the Christmas presents and a couple of big birthday gifts too (friend's 50th = £80, close family member's 70th = £100). DH then bought all the Christmas food and drink.

Neither of us have commented / asked for permission / belittled the other. Yes, I could have bought cheaper gifts and yes, he could have bought less / cheaper food.

But we are both grown ups and both contribute to this marriage in different ways.

Hunderland · 30/12/2021 01:25

Good that you've talked and recognise each other's stresses 👍

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/12/2021 05:36

@dhdislsndh

I honestly couldn't live like this. I would hate having to justify or set out what Iv spent and I can sometimes be a bit extravagant. DH knows I might have picked up something extra for the kids here or there and that's fine. If my husband dared said he didn't authorise something it would make me feel like shit. How dare he treat you like that when you've had the mental (and seemingly financial) load of Christmas! Get rid.

This.

I just could not live with and tolerate someone who treated me like I was his employee...

It's abusive.

YanTanTethera01 · 30/12/2021 10:29

Gosh, you are being controlled in a way it's win-win for your husband. And how did he spend £500 on Christmas food? That's outrageous.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2021 10:43

Well fundamentally it's not fair that you spend your money on family and he spends his (larger pot of) money on himself. And that he has to 'authorise' larger purchases out of joint money but you don't have to when its him. That implies that joint money is more his than yours, and that he is the main decision maker. Which isnt on, and on that basis I'd be taking money out of joint savings to cover it and agree a fairer approach to spending on family and kids stuff and authorisation of larger amounts and equal spending money going forward.

However I wouldn't be best pleased if my husband spent £150 of our cash on christmas jumpers and pyjamas and stuff for the kids when we had had lots of other expenses that month - we check with each other when its stuff that's a nice to have rather than stuff they need (and I'd class a new xmas jumper and pjs as an extra, but presents as an essential). Also £120 on an xmas tree and decorations...how!? 7 ft tree costs under £50 here and surely you already had some decorations. That's why I'm wondering if there is also some backstory on over spending

Sunset999 · 30/12/2021 10:46

I dont get it, you have 20k in savings, why couldn't you pay the plumber out of that, isn't that's what it's for? Then you still had the Christmas savings?

Your husband sounds like a twat

Sunset999 · 30/12/2021 10:47

£90 for a joint of beef? Was it encrusted in gold?

Kite22 · 30/12/2021 12:07

In terms of people referring to the lump sum in savings - we have no idea what that is ringfenced for.... it could well be that is for an extension or new roof or a house move or 101 other things. A lot of people compartmentalise money.

£90 for a joint of beef? Was it encrusted in gold?

My thinking too.

Which is why it is now good that the OP and her dh have sat down and talked and are drawing up a budget.
It is difficult when you have different ideas of things to spend money on, hence why, in theory it is good to each have your own spending money. What has gone wrong here is what is agreed is 'essential' and what comes out of each pot.

Robin233 · 30/12/2021 13:17

Good update.

Original poster

Creditcardshame · 30/12/2021 14:03

Sorry, every time I try to post I lose it!

You lot are worse than my DH for wanting an explanation!

The £150 wasn't just on jumpers and pyjamas - this was for all their presents. DH bought them a couple of books out of his own money.
£120 on the tree and decorations- this was at a garden centre with a big Christmas shop - I can't remember how much the tree was. The DC bought one decoration each. We got the table cloth, 2 poinsettias, some hanging stars, a table cloth and two little stocking fillers for the DC. DH was there actually and I know I put it on my credit card because I knew he would moan and spoil the day. This was before boiler gate destroyed my savings.
£90 on the beef was for 10 people and there was a lot left over, it was from a posh butchers.

I really don't think I overspend, do I? I feel that DH has labelled me as a spendthrift and therefore not to be trusted with the money and I believe him. But actually, I think I am pretty ok with money. I have never in 15years together had a credit card bill I couldn't clear the following month.

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 30/12/2021 14:34

There's another thread on here where someone has been told off for not spending enough on a joint of beef, so please don't worry about your spending decisions meeting the criteria of every single MNer.

The main issue is that you should really be able to choose what you spend your money on, with the same amount of autonomy as your husband.

It sounds like, before you had the recent talk with your husband, he had a bit more autonomy than you, but hopefully that can be resolved with some careful planning.

I like using the MoneySavingExpert budget spreadsheet to plan spending, because it suggests lots of things you might otherwise forget about. Your dh could have a section for his tax bill, for eg.

Kite22 · 30/12/2021 14:43

I really don't think I overspend, do I?

Well none of us can know that as we have no idea of your budget on a monthly basis, or - which some people don't seem to take into account - your plans or dreams for the long term, or age, or job security, etc etc etc.
People also have very different attitudes towards money and what is important.

Beachgirl33 · 30/12/2021 14:49

You should “authorise” a transfer from your joint savings account to clear your credit card bill. He is not your boss. So can I ask do you pay the 8 quid per month for Amazon prime but he uses it to buy his mum a gift and doesn’t even bother to ping money over to you? He has got a brass neck.

What would happen if you just started accessing your joint money for the kids stuff? He is being incredibly petty x

RedskyThisNight · 30/12/2021 15:06

I really don't think I overspend, do I? I feel that DH has labelled me as a spendthrift and therefore not to be trusted with the money and I believe him.

overspending is relative. I would regard Christmas jumpers and PJs as a waste of money as not worn very often and then the DC have grown out of them by the next year. Similarly a hot chocolate after swimming would be an occasional treat and not every week - why not wait to get home and spend the saved £4s on a day out? I also think you spend a lot on your family presents, particularly in comparison to how much you spend on your DH and DC.

I'd also consider that I was overspending if I had to use credit because I didn't actually have the money.

In fact I suspect I think a lot like you DH. But that's me. Plenty of this thread clearly wouldn't even think twice about spending that. A lot depends on whether the 20K is really savings or whether it's earmarked for home improvements or savings for the children or ...

LadyEloise1 · 30/12/2021 15:43

@Creditcardshame
I think you are married to a man who is mean ( except to himself ).
DH moans about my spending too but I just crack on.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/12/2021 16:23

He sounds mean as hell, but I’m glad he’s kind of owned up to that and things will change.

But keep an eye on it. He’s clearly got the propensity to be mean with money because he deems it ‘wastage’ which is supremely unfair when it comes to hot water and heating. As annoying as it is to be ripped off by a workman (solidarity as we have too ) there’s really not at awful lot you can do about it and blaming your spouse because they chose that person or whatever is unfair in the extreme.

Hope 2022. Is a lot financially fairer for you!

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 30/12/2021 16:57

@Creditcardshame

Sorry, every time I try to post I lose it!

You lot are worse than my DH for wanting an explanation!

You aren’t a spendthrift, and the fact that he’s got you thinking that when you’ve got £20k savings, have spent years living within your means, AND he’s got a £2k tax bill looming that he kept secret from you is deeply concerning.

You don’t owe anyone here an itemised account of your spending.

And you don’t owe that to him either, seeing as he doesn’t do you the courtesy of returning the favour. Especially when so much of your ‘personal’ spending money is used for family purchases, and you actively make choices to put reasonable spending that he is present for and participating in on credit to avoid his shitty reaction.

All of this together is really quite concerning tbh.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 30/12/2021 16:57

Basically, I stand by my previous comment: he can fuck right off

pradavilla · 30/12/2021 20:32

He sounds like a tight arse and unreasonable!

Ur doing the joint account all wrong. U need to save for Christmas from that. Also spends for work etc just use the joint account same with stuff for the kids that is joint account. Anything left over gets divided in 2. U wld be better working out all ur bills, plus what u need for Xmas/bdays. Kids clothes, holidays, haircuts etc. have separate savings accounts if it helps for these.

As for the £150 he's been getting extra that needs to stop or he gets £75 and so do u! So the bill needs paid and it's not ur responsibility it's a joint bill. U weren't spending it on a new handbag for urself! Seriously get him told don't put up with that shit!

FortniteBoysMum · 30/12/2021 20:40

Tell him he has two choices, he either pays towards the kids share and half the cost of the boiler repair which came out your pocket or the whole amount is coming out of the savings account. His been having the extra every month for over a year without going to work in the office therefore work out that sum and tell him your transferring that same figure to yourself to cover the bill and treat the kids.

Catcrazy83 · 30/12/2021 21:22

Take 3k out of the savings, what he’s had for “work expenses” and get yourself to a Solictor

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