Credit card bill

[Creditcardshame]

I am not sure if AIBU or not here.

We have a good income - DH is the main earner and I work PT. All the money goes into one pot and all the bills and savings come out, we then have our own accounts into which our personal spending money is paid. Our expenditure is quite high because we recently moved house and had some work to do on it. We are not on the breadline.

The savings are joint but DH keeps a close eye on them and I have to get his agreement to transfer any out.

DH has always had more personal spending money because he had more expenses - travel to work, lunches etc whereas I have always WFH. He has WFH since March 2020 but still gets £150 a month more than me.

However, I spend a lot of "my" money on the kids - a magazine, a hot chocolate after swimming, that kind of thing. I also spend my money if our joint account is a bit light.

I set some money aside for Christmas each month out of my spends usually as DH goes mad at the amount I spend. When I stopped buying for his side of the family he agreed with them not to bother with presents anymore, although he does still buy for his mum (which this year was something from Amazon and he used my account). This means the only other present he buys is for me and that is about £50.

I had to use most of my Christmas fund of £600 in November because we had to get an emergency plumber out for a leak. I used my credit card to buy presents etc instead as our joint account was also practically bare - bad month for things needing to be paid out plus DH spent an absolute fortune on the Christmas food (I guess around £500).

My credit card bill is £800 and DH has hit the roof. This breaks down to about £150 on the DC (including things like a Christmas jumper, new Christmas pyjamas etc), £200 on my sister and her family (there are 4 kids), £120 on the Christmas tree, some decorations, stocking Knick knacks and 24 Christmas crackers (we had both of our families over during the Christmas period) we also needed a new table cloth as we have a new table, £90 on presents for his 3 team members (yes, I buy them 🙄), his mum's present £40, my mum and step dad £100 (who do an enormous amount for us in terms of childcare), £40 for my dad and a wine order for £90, there were also small bits like postage for cards abroad.

I had to set out what each item was and who it was for. He says he will only give me £130 towards it for his mum and team (I have also suggested he will need to split the kids' presents and the wine but he is grumbling that he did not "authorise" these payments). It will take me about 3 months to clear the rest and leave me with about £50 a month to spend. Meanwhile we have £20k in savings.

I don't actually think I have spent more than usual, it's just that I usually cover it without any input from him from my personal spends.

@Creditcardshame

To be clear - this is the first time I have ever had to ask for money to clear my credit card. I get £300 a month into my spending account, £50 goes straight into my Christmas pot. I usually have other little pots too for clothes, hair, trips out etc but I have been using my money to bolster the joint account because we seem to haemorrhaging money on the house and DH is always complaining about it. I honestly didn't think he would have a problem with what I spent, it isn't more than usual - I don't think he has ever thought about how much we spend and I usually have the bulk of it covered.

I also think it is a bit mean not doing presents with his family. Especially for the kids - they get presents from their other aunt and uncle but not from us. I find it a little strange as I love Christmas.

Oh, he can fuck right off can’t he.

He stops getting £150 more than you a month, and the credit card is paid off.

All finances in your house are essentially joint, apart from this where he’s taking the ABSOLUTE piss.

Tell him to shove it up his bum and he can sort fecking Christmas himself next year (and while you’re at it, tell him you don’t bloody work for him).

Not surprised he has hit the roof. Why are you spending money extravagantly on a credit card on presents for your sister. Ard you responsible for paying this back. If not who is. But you shouldn't have had to pay th £600 plumbers fee. That's a household expense.,

I do y think you’re being honest about how much is on your credit card as none of your figures add up.

Have you had any previous issues with debt?

*dont

Typo

you need to stopspnding from your funds. As a family you are overspending. You both need to commit to a tight January and the cc bill needs to come out of joint funds. As do all presents regardless of whose side, alcohol, christmas crackers (he really is going to make you pay for these all yourself that is truly the grinch) and also all kids presents and spending. Its very unequal at the moement and you are subbing it by not spending - as for the plumbing bill that should never have been paid from your savings it should have come from joint savings that is the real controlling bit in my view

Wow, I would find my DH so unattractive if he behaved like that. So much so I'd LTB.

@Viviennemary

Not surprised he has hit the roof. Why are you spending money extravagantly on a credit card on presents for your sister. Ard you responsible for paying this back. If not who is. But you shouldn't have had to pay th £600 plumbers fee. That's a household expense.,

But all of that is beside the point. It’s the nagging and inequality that’s the issue. And the having to use £600 of her own money to cover what should be a joint household expense.

I agree that if op was being careful then spending £150 on Christmas pjs and clothes and a tablecloth or whatever is madness. But that’s not really what the thread is about.

Btw he doesn’t have to ‘authorise’ the payments. Or to tell you to repay stuff over several months when you have £20k in savings

You are not a child. And he isn’t your father.
If he thinks that he should be authorising some spending first, then he is financially controlling and abusive.

If he thinks he can get away with making you pay for stuff that are his responsibility so he has more money for himself, then he has no respect for you. And he is a crap partner. He certainly isn’t pulling his weight.

He ALSO doesn’t get to moan about the spending on the house so that YOU a end up paying by reducing your spending money whilst he makes no effort at all.

This is really shit OP.

I'd go back to work full time.

He sounds controlling and is already coercing you into sucking up household expenses and depriving you of personal spending money.
What exactly is he saving all this personal money for since it's clearly not for you and the DC?

You need to address this now

I have also suggested he will need to split the kids' presents and the wine but he is grumbling that he did not "authorise" these payments)

This guy needs a swift kick in the balls to bring him into reality !

@WonderfulYou

It sounds like you do have an issue with spending too much which is why he has to keep such close tabs on things

If you honestly believe that then you probably need to asses your own relationship. There is no planet on which the OPs desire to buy her DC a hot chocolate once a week is a spending “issue” JFC!

so he's been WFH since March 20, and taking £150 pm - so that's at least £3000k right there - what has he done with that?

I'd be saying he was the profligate one - £500 on Christmas food ffs!!!

He has an outrageous sense of entitlement, you need to draw up a fairer arrangement overall.

Seems extremely controlling. Why should he be the one who decides what is ‘acceptable’ spending?

Plus paying interest on a credit card with £20k sitting in the bank gaining virtually no interest is financial idiocy.

wow, he is an idiot if happy to let you pay cc interest when you have savings.
If he didn't want to pay for a different plumber he should have dealt with the original one .
The £150 has to stop immediately-tell him you don't authorise that anymore! You are topping up the Joint account while he is taking from it!!. Absolute bonkers!

This isn’t good.

One idea for you is to open a new joint savings account to put the Christmas savings in there from the joint account. That way you both have your own individual savings but he contributes to Christmas for the kids.

Seems to me he’s under the impression that what’s his is his and what’s yours is his.

This is a dreadful financial set up. All of our money goes into and out of one place so we can both keep a budget handle on what is coming and what is going out and ensure we have something going into savings as well.
Also he’s being a dick because I’d be absolutely fucking furious of DH spent £500 on food without me knowing about it.
Also our credit card bill was £800 this month because that’s what Xmas costs us for both our families and associated Xmas shite and it came as no surprise to either of us and we’ll pay it off from the joint funds.

He didn’t “authorise” the payments? Who does he think he is??. The audacity. I’m so sorry. In your shoes I would first of all do what others have said about greater equality in your spending (I know you’re working part-time but you’re presumably doing more for the kids and you’re also doing all the emotional labour judging by the things you bought over Christmas, and in any event in what’s meant to be an equal partnership shouldn’t have your spending money pro-rated!). Then I would use this as an opportunity to sit down with him and discuss how what he sees as a credit card bill is in fact the spending for the Christmas things that you end up default-parenting for and organising (present for HIS MUM, i ask you!) and that if he wants a view on the costs, he takes some of the mental load of organising. And that if you make decisions on costs that your household can afford, then the ONLY thing to discuss is whether that’s the right household decision FOR NEXT TIME - you don’t have to somehow atone for it. I’m so sorry, this sounds really shit and controlling of him.

I think you need to let the dust settled and then discuss again. Obviously he has to contribute to the kids presents, tree, postage etc and the wine - how can he say that those were not part of the overall expense of Christmas? I can understand him not wanting to split the cost of presents for your family if it was agreed that you each cover your own family. Next year agree a budget upfront to avoid all
Of this. I need to do the same with my husband as he was not happy I spent £80 per child pressies for stocking and £100 on main presents. He gave me half but said next year we should agree it first which I think is fair.

I couldn't live like this. It sounds terrible. But also sounds like you have no intention of leaving so I suppose you need to devise some sort of plan to work with what you have.

Or get a full time job.

Ask him if he's aware how much divorces cost

Okay different view - if this was a man who ran up £800 on wife’s credit card and expected her to pay it off as he earned much less - would you see if differently?! Maybe she does overspend and there would be no savings if he didn’t keep an eye on it? Maybe if he earns a lot more he should have more spends? 20k on savings does not mean they are wealthy but is a sensible amount to have put by. £90 is a huge amount to spend on beef but if it’s to feed loads of people and they don’t do gifts then it’s less than half what op spent on her sister and kids. I’m far from poor and spent £75 on my separated sister and her kids and they were very happy with that.

I hope you asked him for a break down of his £500 food bill. Wtaf.

I’d suggest you do the Christmas food procurement next year, as he haswildly overspent. He may be able to cook but he sounds shit at ‘home economics’, not uncommon as sons don’t seem to pick it up from their mothers the way girls do.

@Bellsandwhistle

Okay different view - if this was a man who ran up £800 on wife’s credit card and expected her to pay it off as he earned much less - would you see if differently?! Maybe she does overspend and there would be no savings if he didn’t keep an eye on it? Maybe if he earns a lot more he should have more spends? 20k on savings does not mean they are wealthy but is a sensible amount to have put by. £90 is a huge amount to spend on beef but if it’s to feed loads of people and they don’t do gifts then it’s less than half what op spent on her sister and kids. I’m far from poor and spent £75 on my separated sister and her kids and they were very happy with that.

On Christmas and their families including his own. It’s not as if she went mad in Harvey Nichs.

If you honestly believe that then you probably need to asses your own relationship. There is no planet on which the OPs desire to buy her DC a hot chocolate once a week is a spending “issue” JFC!

OP has £300 every month to spend on luxuries, £50 of which she saves for Christmas presents, yet she ran up an £800 bill on her credit card on top of this.

Of course no one should begrudge their child a hot chocolate and Christmas presents should come out for the joint account but it is quite clear than OP spends a lot on unnecessary things (over £300 a month) and OP has said she has full access to the shared account.

I know someone similar who can’t even have access to the shared account as he’ll end up spending the money on unnecessary things, usually presents for people.