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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly parents

44 replies

TerfetyTERF · 29/12/2021 16:00

I'm am being unreasonable? My parents decided to move to France 23 years ago just before I went to university ( I had to beg the uni to let me move into halls before I was supposed to/ thankfully they said yes) they took my little sister who was then 13 with them and then when she couldn't cope they stayed in France and sent her back to live with my grandparents then later my sister and I.

They have been out there all this time and just left myself and 2 sisters to deal with my elderly grandparents when they got dementia( then died) and also were no help whatsoever with our children (their grandchildren) even though my 2 sisters are both single mums.
My mum has now got dementia and my dad has decided that seeing as his French isn't that good ( yeah after 23 years of living there he still can barely speak French!!!) and my mum is getting difficult to care for that they are selling up and moving back home hopefully 5 mins away from where both of my sisters live, presumably so that they can help take care of them!
Anyway am I the arsehole for refusing to be any part of it?

OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 16:02

They were under no obligation to help their parents or their grandchildren and you have no obligation to help them.

Nightmanagerfan · 29/12/2021 16:02

They sound very selfish. Definitely put some boundaries down and be clear that you’ve done your bit and you’re not doing any care/

madisonbridges · 29/12/2021 16:05

I am the first person to say make allowances for family, but honestly...! Cheeky fuckers, I'm afraid.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 29/12/2021 16:06

Send them links to local council facilities for older residents.. Yabu to disrupt your life in any way for them op..

BooksAndGin · 29/12/2021 16:06

No YANBU. I'd refuse too.

Dogscanteatonions · 29/12/2021 16:10

@TinyLittlePandaSneeze

They were under no obligation to help their parents or their grandchildren and you have no obligation to help them.
They most certainly had an obligation to look after their 13 year old daughter though!
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 29/12/2021 16:11

They most certainly had an obligation to look after their 13 year old daughter though! yes that's why I didn't say they didn't.

Dogscanteatonions · 29/12/2021 16:12

Fuck that shit. I'd have no part of that

KittenCatcher · 29/12/2021 16:12

Are your sisters willing to look after them or be involved in getting them back to the uk and buying a house, it may not be that easy if mum has dementia. I would keep out of it and not get involved.

bananaboats · 29/12/2021 16:15

YANBU I'd keep well out of it, and would be telling them exactly why!

AnotherMansCause · 29/12/2021 16:18

YANBU. I'd just tell them that you've had to arrange your lives on the assumption that they wouldn't be around. Your work, responsibilities etc now would make it exceedingly difficult for you to provide care for them. It might have been different if they had helped you out (done their duty as your parents) when you had needed it but, that's life. They can't expect to be able to dump you & your sister when you needed them & then come back decades later claiming the obligation of family ties.

Avenueofcherryblossom · 29/12/2021 16:32

I can’t blame you for not wanting to be involved and I don’t think you’d be wrong to support your sisters to take the same stance.

How much money will your parents be returning to the UK with? Will they be able to house themselves, cover their monthly costs and pay for carers?

Are there any issues regarding their access to NHS and other services because they haven’t lived here for a while? If there are it will probably lead to them expecting you all to take up the slack.

2bazookas · 29/12/2021 16:38

Step aside, look away, leave him to sort it all out for himself. Not your problem. Fingers in ears, sing tra la la..

The whole thing will probably come to nothing when he realises the comparative values of property in France and UK today. When he tries to juggle two lawyers and two estate agents in different countries, and sort/ pack up 23 years worth of clutter for removers.

But that's for him to find out.

MintJulia · 29/12/2021 16:40

YANBU. I can't imagine putting retirement before my children.

I think they have freed you and your sisters from all but the most basic obligations.

noworklifebalance · 29/12/2021 16:41

YADNBU and don’t get dragged in by any emotional BS.
Who on earth does that to their 13 year old daughter?!

Original poster
TerfetyTERF · 29/12/2021 19:20

Thanks guys, it's weird how I feel guilty that I have some sort of responsibility in making sure my parents are ok but the literally dumped my sisters and I for a life in the sun and now I expect us to help them in the time of need.

OP posts:
Iputthetrampintrampoline · 29/12/2021 19:55

You wouldnt feel weird OP if you were like them but you are not you are decent,loving and caring with morals. Your parents sadly seem nothing like you, Be strong,stay strong and remember the struggles you must have had and the responsibility you have carried over the years to make your life happen and your sisters life happen,It wasnt an accident you are ok it was down to you making it happen with no support from the very people who should have been supporting you, They infact owe you a great deal not the other way round,

violetbunny · 29/12/2021 19:58

You're not an arsehole, no way would I be lifting a finger to help them in your situation. If they make any noises about wanting help, give them the number for a care agency.

AnotherMansCause · 29/12/2021 20:06

Seriously, just tell them no. They left, moved abroad, cut all ties with you. You had to assume, by the fact that they abandoned you when you still needed their support as a university student, & your youngest sister was just 13, that they had left permanently, that they were no longer interested in being part of the family. It's just not on to come back with their hands out now that they want something. Never mind the fact that they are expecting you to do for them, what they were not prepared to do for their own parents, & what you in fact had to step in to do.

Mojoj · 29/12/2021 20:09

You owe them nothing. Let them get on with it. The way they let you three get on with it.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 29/12/2021 20:14

It would be a no from me too. Help works both ways and they are selfish arseholes.

AnneElliott · 29/12/2021 20:17

It's a no from me as well - you reap what you sow!

What do your sisters think?

Offmyfence · 29/12/2021 20:20

YANBU!!

crankysaurus · 29/12/2021 20:21

A no from me too. I hope your sisters don't feel any obligation either.

Comedycook · 29/12/2021 20:25

Don't lift a finger for them. They sound unbelievably selfish.

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