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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Elderly parents

44 replies

TerfetyTERF · 29/12/2021 16:00

I'm am being unreasonable? My parents decided to move to France 23 years ago just before I went to university ( I had to beg the uni to let me move into halls before I was supposed to/ thankfully they said yes) they took my little sister who was then 13 with them and then when she couldn't cope they stayed in France and sent her back to live with my grandparents then later my sister and I.

They have been out there all this time and just left myself and 2 sisters to deal with my elderly grandparents when they got dementia( then died) and also were no help whatsoever with our children (their grandchildren) even though my 2 sisters are both single mums.
My mum has now got dementia and my dad has decided that seeing as his French isn't that good ( yeah after 23 years of living there he still can barely speak French!!!) and my mum is getting difficult to care for that they are selling up and moving back home hopefully 5 mins away from where both of my sisters live, presumably so that they can help take care of them!
Anyway am I the arsehole for refusing to be any part of it?

OP posts:

Foolsrule · 29/12/2021 20:40

What a horrible thing for them to do to you all. I’d say you owe them nothing!

Have there been visits over the years? Holidays?

Kweenie · 29/12/2021 20:40

YANBU. Don't help them. Even move away once they have settled into a home...

Original poster

TerfetyTERF · 29/12/2021 21:16

@Foolsrule

What a horrible thing for them to do to you all. I’d say you owe them nothing!

Have there been visits over the years? Holidays?

They have allowed us to visit ( which the kids have always loved) but it has always been at our expense travel food ect and whenever they have come back to the uk they have always stayed with me as I'm the only one with room to accommodate them but completely at my expense ( which I put a stop to 4 years ago as it was so one sided) I think that is the main reason my sister carried on contact as they wouldn't be able to afford holidays otherwise

OP posts:

AnotherMansCause · 29/12/2021 22:24

Talk to your sisters. Get them to tell you, truthfully, how they feel. Not how they think they should feel due to family obligations, not due to social pressure. What do they want to do. None of you owe them anything. And don't feel like you have to "be nice". Be truthful, it's not the same as being vindictive, it's just being honest.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/12/2021 22:29

No you are not being unreasonable. I’d be clear from outset that you can’t and won’t provide care. Be as hard faced as they were. You can see them but I wouldn’t start running around after them. Hopefully he’ll chose housing with support.

EezyOozy · 29/12/2021 22:30

I'd completely ignore any requests for help / care. They sound awful.

Runforthehillocks · 29/12/2021 22:40

Agree that 'you reap what you sow'. Put some boundaries firmly in place and be unavailable as much as possible.

violetbunny · 30/12/2021 02:27

That's a good point, you should probably be clear with them before they move that you won't be in a position to help. Would they even be entitled to any local support in the UK if they haven't lived there in such a long time, or would they have to pay for t? They might actually be better off staying out if it means they could access better support.

Maxiedog123 · 30/12/2021 04:50

I would let them know now, before they arrange to move, that you will be able to provide the same level of assistance to them as they did for their own parents

nettie434 · 30/12/2021 05:03

You are certainly not being unreasonable. Obviously a lot depends on where your sisters live but are they going to have enough money to move near them when they sell up? I am not even sure they would be immediately entitled to NHS care (let alone social care) given they have lived abroad for so long.

The one thing you could do would be to point out what they can expect - e.g. this Age UK factsheet:

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/benefits-entitlements/returning-to-the-uk-after-living-abroad-heading/

I suspect they have not anticipated much of what will happen, wherever they decide to stay.

NotTheGrinchAgain · 30/12/2021 05:05

Yanbu. You have no obligation to help them. I would maintain the same level of contact as now - the occasional card and phone call. I would not lift a finger to help.

Mrsgordonselfridge · 30/12/2021 05:29

Wow. Sounds to me like it is nothing to do with your Dad’s French and everything to do with him not wanting the burden of your DM which is not your responsibility. Did you stay with your maternal or paternal GP’s when you were younger? Who do you think drove their decision to move to France? Having been dealing with the elderly care system recently wrt to dementia I can say that your DF may well be in for a surprise (or not, he may be very calculating) as to what help is available. Moving an elderly woman with dementia to unfamiliar surroundings is definitely not a great idea either but he’ll also learn that too…It is also very much a postcode lottery as to the type of care either of them can access across the country assuming that their 23years in France doesn’t prevent access to SS and the NHS. Lots of good advice on the elderly parents board so maybe hop over to there? In the meantime you don’t have to dance to anyone’s tune and you are certainly under no obligation to help so don’t get drawn into your Parents new Circus. I’m currently dealing with my (lovely) DF who has dementia and is at end of life but he is bedbound. As is also my narcissistic mother who is very happy to allow me to fetch and carry whilst telling anyone who’ll listen what a terrible daughter I am… So after my DF passes away I will be display actual terrible daughter behaviour by skipping off into the sunset and won’t look back… You don’t have to look after them because you are related to them, they sound like dreadful narcissistic people. This realisation is liberating. If they had children to ensure they had someone to look after them in old age they might be in for a surprise… for you, you sound like a lovely person but concentrate on your own family and don’t get mugged off.

echt · 30/12/2021 05:35

Clearly you feel no obligation, as they didn't. They seem entirely self-absorbed.

For those who claim you reap as you sow, remember this when it's inheritance time. I'm not saying you are beady-eyed about this, OP, just that this smug Bible quote is trotted out ad nauseam on such threads, so it cuts both ways.

Billybagpuss · 30/12/2021 05:50

So they wouldn’t even host you properly when you visited you had to provide your own food? Wow.

You owe them nothing but I fear you will be sucked in anyway.

rwalker · 30/12/2021 06:11

I think it's time for an honest chat leave them to it .

Ilady · 30/12/2021 06:15

I say it nothing to do with your dad's French being but it the fact that he has 3 daughters in the UK and his wife has dementia. After all that he and your mother did over the past 23 years and the total lack of help they gave you I feel the same.

He thinks they can come back to the UK and live near you. Meanwhile you and your sisters can drop all to mind your mother who has dementia. The reality is that he might not be able to afford a property near you. He has been away from the UK for a long time so he might not be entitled to free medical and social care. In time your mother might need residential care so who going to pay for that?
I speak to your sisters and present a united front about what help if any your going to give him. After their years of selfishness they can't expect help now.
I also send him information to what help he is entitled to if he moves back to the UK. I tell him as well that you and your sisters work full time and you can't go part job or job share in Your role.

FuckeryIsAfoot · 30/12/2021 06:40

Are there any issues regarding their access to NHS and other services because they haven’t lived here for a while? If there are it will probably lead to them expecting you all to take up the slack

That's a shame for them, isn't it?

Ostagazuzulum · 30/12/2021 06:44

Sympathies. Similar situation.... mine moved somewhere very remote on coastline, 5 hours away. Got told when I left my abusive violent husband that I wouldn't be moving in there with them as I wasn't their responsibility. Essentially had to go through life with little parental support since I was 16. They were shocking parents, but an extremely tight unit together but no one else inc their children can penetrate their bubble however turned out to be besotted with grandchild and pretty good grandparents. I've accepted their quirks. They've always maintained they want independence when they're old and won't need family support. However they've both had big health scares so last week announced they'd be moving house to be closer to me as they'll need help when they're older and when one dies before other, the remaining one will need my support.
I was surprised at the gall of the presumption that I'd be their carer etc when I've had nothing from them but because I'm a pushover I agreed. I utterly dread the future as there'll be an absolute onus on me to sort everything. My siblings will have none of it.
Op if you can say no, then do!!!

invisiblereally · 30/12/2021 07:09

it's weird how I feel guilty that I have some sort of responsibility in making sure my parents are ok but the literally dumped my sisters and I for a life in the sun and now I expect us to help them in the time of need.

Yanbu to stay out of it, any expectations your dad or mum have that you or your sisters will pop round regularly to care for mum is just that- expectations all of you can say no to.

What do your sisters think? Are they getting sucked in? It sounds like a relationship was built up over holidays with DGC so they may feel differently to you. Even if shockingly bad parents they are the only ones you have, so I imagine it will feel tough

In terms of NHS and social care, as they are British (if they're entitled to British passport) once they have returned to U.K. , they will be entitled to any of those services.

It may take months but in time they would then be entitled to benefits if on low income and low savings. And after 6 months of living in an area, they may become entitled to be considered for local housing services.

Their pension may be impacted by change of country but it sounds like they worked in U.K. for years before they moved to France so are probably already getting a mix of pensions.

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