To know or not to know

[IusedToBeYoung]

Partner very likely cheating. Says he's not but is leaving in the near future and some suspicious behaviour. Is it better to confirm and find out all the slutty details or not know? Those that have discovered all the gory details did it make things easier or worse?

If he's leaving anyway there's no point finding out tbh.

Will you regret it if he leaves and you don't know why?

Might as well leave it if you're not together.

You already know. You don’t need more.

I learnt this the hard way - spent years looking for proof of cheating before kicking him out. I now realise it didn’t matter. I already knew. I’m so much happier now he’s left.

If he's leaving you.. was it even cheating?

Just end it now, and what you don't know can't hurt you

We are still together at the moment. He's given all sorts of reasons why he's leaving. Its made me actually be quite worried about him. Been together over 30 years so not a flash in the pan relationship. We have primary aged children. But I'm starting to feel abit of a twat worrying about him and trying to help him with these issues if its all just a load of bullshit to hide the fact he's a cheat. Grass is greener etc...

What do you mean he’s ‘leaving in the near future’? So the relationship is already over?

Don’t help him with his ‘issues’, regardless. Focus on an amicable co-parenting relationship, and make it clear his emotional stuff is no longer your business.

I think that you feel like you need to know because we're driven to find answers and seek closure. Also perhaps you are using this (and dealing with your DP's issues) as a way of avoiding dealing with your feelings about the relationship ending?
Your DP is leaving. His issues are no longer your issues. He is looking after his needs and himself so it's time for you to do the same. Have you got a support network in place? Have you thought about how you will deal with practical and financial ramifications? What/when are you going to tell the children? How will you co parent?
Whether DP is cheating or not is a red herring. Save your resources for looking after yourself OP it's going to be tough times going forward 💐💐💐

@IusedToBeYoung

We are still together at the moment. He's given all sorts of reasons why he's leaving. Its made me actually be quite worried about him. Been together over 30 years so not a flash in the pan relationship. We have primary aged children. But I'm starting to feel abit of a twat worrying about him and trying to help him with these issues if its all just a load of bullshit to hide the fact he's a cheat. Grass is greener etc...

Tell him he needs to shit or get off the pot

This isn't fair on you or the kids.

He needs to stop stringing you along and leave if he's leaving. Or you ask him to leave.

@BooksAndGin

If he's leaving you.. was it even cheating?

Yes, of course it is

He's leaving in the near future??? What the actual fuck??

If my partner said that to me, he'd be leaving immediately helped by my foot up his arse!!!

Like I said its a very long term relationship so not something to just throw away on a whim! He has decided he doesn't want to continue our marriage but has not technically ended things and is claiming it is due to some recent epiphany brought on by some shitty things that have happened this year (not linked to our relationship). Previously he is not someone to give thought to anything! He has apparently not discussed these thoughts with anyone and it is very clear his head is not in a good place hence my concern for him. There are many other factors that make this not straightforward. We are not dealing with neurotypical adults here. However, there has also been some suspicious behaviour which has made me wonder if he is infact already in this new life he thinks he can have. My theory is it is maybe with someone else who is not quite available yet which is why he's not in any rush! So my question is do I want to dig and find out? I will never be able to unsee this proof but is it better to know so I don't keep making a prat of myself being worried about him?

He doesn't want to stay married but hasn't technically ended it? I'm so confused as to why you haven't. You deserve more than someone using you until they find someone better and then they'll technically end it.

I think you’re asking entirely the wrong question. Thanks he question is whether you are prepared to continue acting as some kind of concerned mothership worrying about his ‘issues’ as he prepares to abandon you and your children, as though the only one affected is him?

@Youdoyoutoday

He's leaving in the near future??? What the actual fuck??

If my partner said that to me, he'd be leaving immediately helped by my foot up his arse!!!

I know it sounds bizarre and believe me it is a fucked up situation but it is also not black and white. I am not being a doormat in the slightest it is just very complicated and as mentioned not neurotypical. But I'm beginning to worry I have got it wrong and he's just a plain old cheat!

Op it I really not acceptable for him to say he is leaving and then hang around until it is convenient for him to do so! Call him in it. Ask him to leave while he makes his mind up.

Create some boundaries. You get a say too! Don't allow him to dictate proceedings. Wishing you lots of strength

If you asked outright, "Are you having an affair?" and he responded with, "When have I got time?" or some other such question, then, yeah, he's shagging. If he said 'no' without hesitation, he wasn't.

If you're splitting anyway, let him go and let the shagging go, too. And don't help him with anything. Any energy spent on him is not being spent where it needs to be - on you x

Sorry x posts with you there op.

Very difficult and a fine line to tread if you have to make allowances for non-neurotypical behaviour.

However, he gets to make his mind up (away from the house) and you have equal weight in the decision making department!

I’d assume he is and act accordingly.

Divorce him for unreasonable behaviour and demand a fair split if any equity. Don’t obligingly wait for his new squeeze to get in his ear about their quality of life etc etc

While he’s out getting balls deep go on a little rummage and take copies of P60 etc for maintenance

Remember - whawver else is going on - YOU have EQUAL say in what happens with this relationship.

If you think he is cheating- you don't trust him. Walk away or boot him out. Don't let him hang you on till he is ready.

You can leave him at any time for any reason

I think I've answered my question by how the comments are making me feel. I need to know. I am seriously concerned about him but if he is just plain old cheating then his behaviour and messed up head is of his own making. I don't want to throw away our whole life (its not just our relationship that will end it affects every aspect of 30 years of what we have built) because these events this year have caused him a mental health crisis that he doesn't know how to cope with due to his neurodiverse issues, but if its because he's found somewhere else to stick his dick and the grass looks greener then as you all say they can deal with his issues!!