To know or not to know

[IusedToBeYoung]

Partner very likely cheating. Says he's not but is leaving in the near future and some suspicious behaviour. Is it better to confirm and find out all the slutty details or not know? Those that have discovered all the gory details did it make things easier or worse?

Glad you feel clearer OP. Personally, I wouldn't hang around letting him make all the decisions. It's all about him - you don't deserve that - neurotypical or not!

Tell him to leave or stay. In or out. None if this mucking you about

He wouldn't be leaving if he didn't have another shag lined up. They never do.

I think you do need to know. This limbo is not doing you ay good and if he is indeed cheating then it should give you the resolve to put a stop to this for good. Ether way something does need to be done and you can't go on like this.

If you asked outright, "Are you having an affair?" and he responded with, "When have I got time?" or some other such question, then, yeah, he's shagging. If he said 'no' without hesitation, he wasn't.

To be fair if my dp asked me if I was cheating, I would probably ask him where the he'll he thought inwould get the time for that" and I haven't been cheating.

You say you are concerned for him, but where is his concern for you (and the children) in all of this? I’m tired of people using neurodiversity as an excuse for shitty behaviour.
I think you should do some digging - not because you want the gory details, but because it could make the difference between your husband being just another cheating lowlife or potentially someone having some sort of crisis that might be saveable. You deserve the truth even if you don’t want him back (which I hope you don’t).
So what suspicious evidence do you have so far?

As he's neurodiverse, I'd want to make sure he hadn't been scammed or blackmailed or cajoled into giving up all his money and likely yours if you have joint assets.

I'd want to know if his odd behaviour was due to him having got himself into a situation and not knowing how to get out of it, then being too ashamed to admit what has happened.

Whether that's a romantic thing with an OW or him being hounded by some skank bleeding him dry, I'd want to know.

I would want to know, but then I can't ignore the doorbell like so many here can. I'd just want the truth. I think for me what my head could conjure up would likely be more torturous than whatever was going on, even if he was cheating.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

You say you are concerned for him, but where is his concern for you (and the children) in all of this? I’m tired of people using neurodiversity as an excuse for shitty behaviour. I think you should do some digging - not because you want the gory details, but because it could make the difference between your husband being just another cheating lowlife or potentially someone having some sort of crisis that might be saveable. You deserve the truth even if you don’t want him back (which I hope you don’t). So what suspicious evidence do you have so far?

I think this is why I need to know. To be fair he doesn't use his issues as an excuse. If anything he is in denial that they are affecting his behaviour. I believe he is in crisis but equally my suspicious nature is making me think there is something else is going on. There are no blatant signs just a few uncertainties about where he's been on occasion whereas full transparency before and a few occasions where he changes whats on his phone as I come near. The fact he is so suddenly adamant to call it quits without attempting to solve anything or even talk about it could just as easily be due to his specific issues or that he has a reason to leave! He is presenting how he does when he feels guilt. It could just be the guilt of tearing our family apart but it just feels more!

@BlankTimes

As he's neurodiverse, I'd want to make sure he hadn't been scammed or blackmailed or cajoled into giving up all his money and likely yours if you have joint assets.

I'd want to know if his odd behaviour was due to him having got himself into a situation and not knowing how to get out of it, then being too ashamed to admit what has happened.

Whether that's a romantic thing with an OW or him being hounded by some skank bleeding him dry, I'd want to know.

No no risk of scamming. He is not vulnerable in that way and I have full access to all our finances. He may have got himself into something and regrets it as he has been really struggling with failure and self esteem so I would expect would be turned by any attention. But equally he could have gone looking!!

He is playing games with you. He has decided to leave but is enjoying the attention about why and when. Take that power away by telling him to go. You are not responsible for his mh.

If you have decided you want to find out and you full access to finances then start there. Check every transaction. Check every time he has used an ATM that it has been in the geographical location he was supposed to be in at the time. It's hard to cheat without spending any money or making any mistakes. Also look for trends - is he suddenly paying for a lot more petrol than usual (more travelling) or more parking (where is the parking?). Is he buying the same things but suddenly using different shops to usual? Any change will imply something about behaviour.

Also I understand that you really want to know, but be prepared never to find out. Even presented with evidence people lie.
Also if you ask, he may just shut down further.

I would also echo PP about you having an equal say in this relationship - have you given much thought as to how you feel about him and how you want your life to unfurl over the coming years?