Ex-MIL just accused me of neglecting my DC

[YetAgainTheReportsAgain]

For context I split with my ExH 4 years ago when my DC was a toddler (just 1 DC). ExH was violent and very controlling towards both me and DC, even when we split up. He took me to court originally trying to get full residency without visitation for me. He was awarded 1 night EOW and an extra night in the Christmas Holidays only.

He pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing and claims no benefits. That doesn’t bother me anymore and I’ve made peace with it.

I work part time and DC goes to a holiday club during the holidays. DC loves holiday club, always wants to go and I struggle to drag them away at the end of the day. Which is a good job as its quite expensive (£25 a day without wraparound, £35 a day with wraparound).

I wfh, and popped to the shop at lunchtime to get a break from work and being in the house. DCs at Holiday Club.

Bumped into Ex-MIL who shouted at me that I was obviously leaving DC home alone while I was off “stocking up and living a leisurely life”. And told me I’m absolutely disgusting because her son would love to see and spend more time with DC but I “don’t allow it”. She ended with “I’m reporting you to SS and when they see how neglectful you are leaving (DC) home alone they’ll take them off you and give them to me and you’ll never see them again”

I’m not concerned about SS, they’ll speak to DCs headteacher who will tell them she has no concerns for DC, that DC is always in school on time, progressing well and they tell their teacher about age appropriate out of school activities (can you tell I’ve been here before with SS reports?) and they’d then ask me where DC was while I was shopping/working and I’d give them the name and number of the holiday club who SS would contact and who’d tell them DC loves going to holiday club, joins in, helps them out and the only concern they have is that DC can be a bit sensitive at times (i.e. cries easily) which they’ve said given the situation the last few years isn’t unsurprising or unusual in DCs age group.

I’m still shocked though, that after 4 years they’re still trying this. It’ll be my 9th or 10th malicious SS report in 4 years, everytime they don’t bother visiting anymore, they call school and/or holiday club and close the case.

How do I stop this? A NMO hasn’t stopped the reports in the past as they switch to anonymous reports, police say it’s a civil matter and people with concerns about children shouldn’t be stopped from reporting given the recent high profile cases, and letters from my solicitor get ignored.

I can’t move away as the court order says I have to live within a certain radius of ExH, so I can’t get far enough away to stop this.

I probably AIBU to even be bothered by this now

Well the apple (him) didn’t fall far from that repulsive tree, did it?

Sorry, that’s not helpful and I have no practical advice but wanted to say I hear you. You sound very together considering the bollocks these morons are repeatedly trying to pull.

Ignore

Surely it’s harassment so the police must take action?

If there are enough reports then I think you could get police involved about harassment.

Sorry to hear you have to deal with these people, and even more sorry for your DC that they have to see them EOW.

She's thick

I'd report her to the police for harassment.

Although, to be honest I'd have screamed like a fishwife at her GIve them to YOU you stupid bitch? Don't be ridiculous! You've raised a wanker of a son who pays FUCK ALL towards his children who - by the way - are in daycare paid for by ME thanks to MY JOB. Now FUCK OFF because I'm going home to report you to the police for your harassment.

She's be brave to ever tackle me in the street again. I'd be fucking vicious.

How far can you move? Far enough that you don’t share the same shops etc? Not saying you should have to - but at least you wouldn’t be bumping into them at lunchtime.

Back to court? Or as PP police should be involved as it’s harassment.

Keep covering your back - so keep a detailed record each time of what said, when, where etc. And keep going with the solicitor letters each and every time, if you can afford it - you may feel they are ignored but it will help you if you ever end up back in court over contact or false allegations etc.

And when your kids are older and/or if their father starts trying to bad-mouth you or make stuff up, then you have a file ready to pull out and can calmly explain no this is what actually happened.

I had a similar situation with my mother repeatedly reporting me.

In the end SS refused to take any more anonymous reports about me. They would only act if the caller left their name, or if it was a report from the school etc.

She tried it once stating she is my mother, but failed to mention we hadn't spoken in over a decade, and it seems to have tailed off now thankfully.

The police won't charge for harassment for anonymous reports unfortunately.

Its really annoying, but, thankfully, these people do seem to get bored, and there does come a point where SS will decide enough is enough.

You have my sympathies op

Thats very little contact op so there must be real concerns. You sound very together indeed. What a vile woman. Let her do her worst. Do you report her horrible son when he has your ds given his past behaviour? No, I thought not.

I am a gp carer myself and gs1's dad got eow but only one week holiday per year. No other. This was because contact took place at his parents (who were just as bad). He was a violent, abusive thug who still continued offending after he got contact. He was convicted of abh and gbh within two years. It made no difference. He said that other men with this level of conviction had kids living with them - to which the Judge responded "Not if I knew about it".

Sorry op but just ignore, ignore, ignore. You sound very focussed on your child. I used to get furious when I would get "letters" from einstein dad - who the Judge actually asked to have an IQ test during proceedings. I used to spend hours composing the response, but soon realised the best response was none at all. He would soon forget his latest bullshit demand as he was unable to focus on gs for any length of time. You have a long time to live with this bull and you seem to be managing very well.

Can you report her for her malicious reporting of you to SS? Interesting that she screams at you yet is OK with her son not contributing a penny to her grandchild’s upkeep.

I had a malicious report made about Me once by my own sister, luckily ss could see when they came it was malicious as I have proof that it was lies, they said if it kept happening I could look into reporting it as harassment but only if it kept happening and could be proven to be malicious each time. Luckily only happened the once.

Everytime I report for Harrassment they switch to anonymous reports which the police won't do anything about.

I have to live within 15 minutes drive of ExH which isn't far enough away that I'd avoid the shops they shop in.

There were huge concerns, I used to blame myself for the small amount of contact but now know it's because of the concerns about ExH. Like @ElsieMc DC goes to Ex-PILs for contact, and while they;re not violent they do excuse a lot of ExHs behaviour and blame it on me.

That sounds extremely tiresome, but the best advice is always to rise above it and ignore.

It sounds like you’re doing well and your Dc is thriving whilst your MIL is a sad, bitter woman who is protecting an arsehole.

You’re better than them and everyone knows it.

That sounds annoying but I guess they won’t do anything about anonymous reports as they will just deny it was them.

Keep a diary. Maybe court will allow you to move further in the future if mil continues.. Maybe it will actually work in your favour! What a smack in the face for them both.
Bet a real smack would be more deserved?!

It's a shame you couldn't get footage of her screaming her threats at you.

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd report her to the police for harassment.

Although, to be honest I'd have screamed like a fishwife at her GIve them to YOU you stupid bitch? Don't be ridiculous! You've raised a wanker of a son who pays FUCK ALL towards his children who - by the way - are in daycare paid for by ME thanks to MY JOB. Now FUCK OFF because I'm going home to report you to the police for your harassment.

She's be brave to ever tackle me in the street again. I'd be fucking vicious.

Absolutely this!!!! My bloods boiling on your behalf op. Vile excuse for a human being and her c**t of a son, absolutely disgusting

I feel for you. I had a similar situation, DV, application for residence with no contact for me, similar level of contact ordered for ex, spurious SS reports, spurious ''concerns'' reported to Doctors & school. It was hellish, I felt like I couldn't do anything without being reported at a certain point. I didn't find any way to stop it, so it continued for about 8-9 years but it's been 18 months now without any reports.

Last time ex did this, they spoke to our child and our child refuted his ''concerns'' as well as speaking quite bluntly about his behavior and how it affects her how he just doesn't want her to be with Mummy. She reached this conclusion herself knowing nothing of his abuse to me, and never having heard a bad word about him from me. She also knows nothing of the earlier SS reports (SS didn't speak to her before as they reports were patently absurd accusations which they dismissed). It gets considerably more difficult to make accusations like this when a child is demonstrably doing well, and old enough to articulate the situation for themselves.

It gets better with time, for now just hold your head high, ignore, ignore, ignore and remember you're a good Mum.

I'd report to the police and considering seeking supervised contact by a paid for service on the grounds that ex-mil made you feel unsafe therefore there is no alternative for a handover/third party.

I would 100% apply to courts to be able to live further away, you deserve to not have these people in your vicinity. Court would allow it.

I'm sorry the police and the system are so shit. Do you have / have you had an IDVA?

I'm not sure there is anything you can do sadly, other than to keep doing the right thing and trying to keep as much emotional distance from their abusive behaviour as you can.

I guess it's continued because you still have control and they don't, so it's a reflection of their significant discomfort at failing to control you. It sounds like it really bothers them that they are failing to get to you. Although I don't imagine that's much comfort.

you need to completely reframe it.

Let her waste her time making reports to social services if it makes her feel better about how she has failed to raise a decent human being as a son and gives her a feeling of having 'punished you' for getting him into trouble. If this is the only (completely ineffective) tool they have left to try and hurt you with then bloody well done you.

She's furious you have money to spend. You should be destitute and begging her son for money and be beholden to him. Well tough titties to her, you aren't.

Her reaction shows that your strength and resilience is hurting them far more than any of their silly antics can do to you now.

Laugh at them. Then ignore.