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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex-MIL just accused me of neglecting my DC

52 replies

YetAgainTheReportsAgain · 29/12/2021 14:04

For context I split with my ExH 4 years ago when my DC was a toddler (just 1 DC). ExH was violent and very controlling towards both me and DC, even when we split up. He took me to court originally trying to get full residency without visitation for me. He was awarded 1 night EOW and an extra night in the Christmas Holidays only.

He pays no maintenance because on paper he earns nothing and claims no benefits. That doesn’t bother me anymore and I’ve made peace with it.

I work part time and DC goes to a holiday club during the holidays. DC loves holiday club, always wants to go and I struggle to drag them away at the end of the day. Which is a good job as its quite expensive (£25 a day without wraparound, £35 a day with wraparound).

I wfh, and popped to the shop at lunchtime to get a break from work and being in the house. DCs at Holiday Club.

Bumped into Ex-MIL who shouted at me that I was obviously leaving DC home alone while I was off “stocking up and living a leisurely life”. And told me I’m absolutely disgusting because her son would love to see and spend more time with DC but I “don’t allow it”. She ended with “I’m reporting you to SS and when they see how neglectful you are leaving (DC) home alone they’ll take them off you and give them to me and you’ll never see them again”

I’m not concerned about SS, they’ll speak to DCs headteacher who will tell them she has no concerns for DC, that DC is always in school on time, progressing well and they tell their teacher about age appropriate out of school activities (can you tell I’ve been here before with SS reports?) and they’d then ask me where DC was while I was shopping/working and I’d give them the name and number of the holiday club who SS would contact and who’d tell them DC loves going to holiday club, joins in, helps them out and the only concern they have is that DC can be a bit sensitive at times (i.e. cries easily) which they’ve said given the situation the last few years isn’t unsurprising or unusual in DCs age group.

I’m still shocked though, that after 4 years they’re still trying this. It’ll be my 9th or 10th malicious SS report in 4 years, everytime they don’t bother visiting anymore, they call school and/or holiday club and close the case.

How do I stop this? A NMO hasn’t stopped the reports in the past as they switch to anonymous reports, police say it’s a civil matter and people with concerns about children shouldn’t be stopped from reporting given the recent high profile cases, and letters from my solicitor get ignored.

I can’t move away as the court order says I have to live within a certain radius of ExH, so I can’t get far enough away to stop this.

I probably AIBU to even be bothered by this now

OP posts:

user15364596354862 · 29/12/2021 15:06

Although the police may be fucking useless, reporting to them is a way to evidence what's occurring so that you can demonstrate the pattern of their behaviour over time (as long as you can make sure they do actually record it and provide you with the reference numbers).

Theunamedcat · 29/12/2021 15:09

Contact the police about her abusing you in public does the shop have cctv?

Ohyesiam · 29/12/2021 15:11

The thing is she’s wrong, so you can ignore her. I mean you could make a note of the date so that you can report to police if it happens again, but it’s really just her talking rubbish.

Must be hard for you, I’m not minimising it, but don’t make it more important than a lot of hot air.

Funnylittlefloozie · 29/12/2021 15:16

I personally like MadMadMadamMim's response best.... but satisfying as it would be to shout back at the demented old bitch, you can't do it.

Bagelsandbrie · 29/12/2021 15:16

@Theunamedcat

Contact the police about her abusing you in public does the shop have cctv?

Yes I’d be tempted to do this. It’s harassment.

I’ve had very similar things happen with my ex. The sun shines out of his (abusive) arse and he can do no wrong.

godmum56 · 29/12/2021 15:17

could you keep your phone handy and pull it out and film her if it happens again? In a public place its quite legal.

RantyAunty · 29/12/2021 15:28

Does he actually do the 2 nights a month visitation?

15 minutes is rather restrictive.
I'd see about petitioning the court to move further away.

ClemDanFango · 29/12/2021 15:36

Next time laugh in her face and get on with your day. The more they see that they’re bothering you the more they will do it.

Goldbar · 29/12/2021 15:38

Apply for a restraining order to prevent them both approaching you except your ex at handovers of your DC.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2021 15:39

Smile and walk away. Never respond. She sounds ignorant, thick and not someone you ever want near your child. Can your solicitor not advise any action?

Ozanj · 29/12/2021 15:39

Contact the police and make a harrassment complaint.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/12/2021 15:40

What happens when your DC is with them?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 29/12/2021 15:44

I’d be using this to go back to court to request being able to move further away. It’s fucking appalling that they’ve restricted you to 15 mins drive when they have Ex so little contact time and he was so abusive. The system makes me rage.

2bazookas · 29/12/2021 16:22

I'm betting Ex MIL has no idea that her sons contact was decided by a court, and that he pays no maintenance at all . I might send her a formal letter of information to clarify her misunderstanding of the situation.

As for her son who has no visible income, earnings, benefits or means of support, somehow I don't think he'd care to have that investigated too closely. Like someone reporting him to the benefits/unemployment office. Sauce for the goose, etc.

Original poster

YetAgainTheReportsAgain · 29/12/2021 16:50

@2bazookas

@2bazookas oh she does, she's seen the court order, but apparently thats my fault too, as I convinced everyone that he was violent!

I won't go back to court, I don't trust that it wouldn't go in his favour, I just ignore it mostly but I am still astounded sometimes by their persistence

OP posts:

IntermittentParps · 29/12/2021 16:51

@2bazookas

I wouldn’t waste energy on a letter for the MIL, but i would report your ex about benefits. And log with the police every time she harasses you. And record her if you can.

I’d definitely go back to court at some point too about the restriction of moving away.

IntermittentParps · 29/12/2021 16:51

*on moving away

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 29/12/2021 17:07

I think court is worth the risk. They've shown themselves to not be improving and they're harassing you so good cause to move away

LuaDipa · 29/12/2021 17:39

I know it’s tough but don’t let her bother you. She’s raised a violent son who doesn’t contribute to the upbringing of his own dc. As far as I’m concerned he’s the lowest of the low and the courts have given him minimal contact which speaks volumes about their opinion too.

You’re doing a great job raising your dc in spite of their best efforts to sabotage and undermine you. You can afford to take the high road here. Leave these losers to their silly malicious reports.

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 18:16

@RealBecca

I'd report to the police and considering seeking supervised contact by a paid for service on the grounds that ex-mil made you feel unsafe therefore there is no alternative for a handover/third party.

This.

I think she should be reported by screaming abuse and threats at you.

Keep a paper trail of your reports.

If the police tell you there is nothing they can do, you can query this formally by email.

Get confirmation of their refusal to take action.

Muthalucka · 29/12/2021 18:50

Can you contact SS yourself and get ahead of it?

OnlyAFleshWound · 29/12/2021 18:54

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd report her to the police for harassment.

Although, to be honest I'd have screamed like a fishwife at her GIve them to YOU you stupid bitch? Don't be ridiculous! You've raised a wanker of a son who pays FUCK ALL towards his children who - by the way - are in daycare paid for by ME thanks to MY JOB. Now FUCK OFF because I'm going home to report you to the police for your harassment.

She's be brave to ever tackle me in the street again. I'd be fucking vicious.

Good thing she's not you really.

Suzanne999 · 29/12/2021 18:56

@PaintYourDreams

Keep covering your back - so keep a detailed record each time of what said, when, where etc. And keep going with the solicitor letters each and every time, if you can afford it - you may feel they are ignored but it will help you if you ever end up back in court over contact or false allegations etc.

And when your kids are older and/or if their father starts trying to bad-mouth you or make stuff up, then you have a file ready to pull out and can calmly explain no this is what actually happened.

^ This. Always keep a record of any harassment, by ex MIL or ex H. Never engage with her. Don’t scream or rant at her. You can imagine what that would look like if someone filmed it. If SS contact you, just answer their questions, you can say sorry they’re bothered like this your ex MIL started screaming at you in the street, you’re so glad the DC weren’t there but safely in holiday club.

You’ve got it all together. To me it looks like the original family court judge saw what your ex is like.

Suzanne999 · 29/12/2021 18:57

I think if harassment continued ( good idea to keep records of it) you could apply to family court to move away for the mental well being of you and DC.

liveforsummer · 29/12/2021 19:07

How old are the dc? Would it even be a problem if you had actually popped to the shop briefly? The 15 minutes drive restriction is INSANE though. Please challenge this

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