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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to just want a quiet day in?

75 replies

WineGetsMeThroughIt · 29/12/2021 11:40

For some reason my husband has decided that over the Christmas holidays he wants to get the children out and doing fun things as much as possible.

Christmas Eve we did stay at home most of the day, but went for an afternoon walk and to the park and then to some local shops and an early evening church service.

Christmas Day we stayed home. I cooked the entire day, made them all 3 meals, tidied in between and basically didn't sit down until Christmas dinner at 6pm.

Boxing Day we went to a national trust property about 45 mins away. The children bickered and fought and squabbled in the back of the car the entire way there and back. I was constantly having to tell them to stop, pass them snacks, tell them to be quiet Etc.

The 27th we drove for nearly 2hrs (should have taken us an hour) to go to a new fast food restaurant they all wanted to go in and queued up for 25 mins before we could get in. Then went to some shops where the crowds were insane, then a winter wonderland fun fair thing, then to dinner (tried 4 restaurants before one had space for us). The whole day was terrible, service was awful. Didn't leave until nearly 9pm for an hours drive back home. I was so overwhelmed by the noise and business and bickering between everything and the children I flipped out at my son to stop pestering my daughter in the car and I paid him £5 to be quiet the entire journey home 😩

Yesterday we went swimming and then to Tesco. Again a 30 min car ride with both children is a nightmare.

Husband has been asking me what we're going to do today (he asked this last night and today) and I said I really just want a quiet day at home so I can tidy up some of the Christmas mess, and get some laundry done and some food prepped to take to a friends house tomorrow. He keeps getting so annoyed that I'm not on board with his constant entertainment of the children and is adamant we do fun things to make the holidays memorable for them. He really wants to drive 30 mins to an indoor trampoline park today or a play centre but this makes me very anxious with covid and the noise and the fact I'll have to be chasing our daughter around watching her.

He can tell I'm not keen on this as I don't really say anything when he mentions it. He asked me again what we're doing this morning and I said I would really just like a day at home. He got all stroppy and started into his usual tirade of put downs for me saying I was being selfish and how I never want to do anything. I told him he could take one or both children (10 & 3) to the trampoline. Park but I didn't want to go. He said I was running the holidays and I'm incredibly selfish.

AIBU for just wanting a quiet day in and not putting the children's fun first? Are we doing enough? We have things planned for next week too.

For context - I had undiagnosed ADHD and am an introvert. Sounds like bickering and whining and crying with my sons sounds on top put me over the edge. I suspect my son has ADHD / ASD / Tourette's. Daughter is just a normal 3yr old so can't rationalise things all that well

OP posts:

Whitewolf2 · 29/12/2021 16:24

Wow he really needs to chill out!
YANBU, good for you for saying no. I bet your kids want to just have a relaxing day too. We’ve had a day at home for each day out and when at home that’s when you realise everyone is tired - we’ve all had a stimulating time with Christmas.

Summersdreaming · 29/12/2021 16:32

Sod that OP it sounds exhausting, Xmas holidays are for winding down the year, pjs, wine, cheese, films and a walk if you're feeling adventurous

Dozer · 29/12/2021 16:34

Why the ‘Disney Dad’ behaviour but not sharing the domestic work?

Justleaveitblankthen · 29/12/2021 16:42

Why doesn't he take them even farther afield and make an overnight stay of it in a premier Inn somewhere 😈
I would honestly be overjoyed at the prospect if I was in this position.
You sound lovely OP. You worked tirelessly all Xmas day too! Your husband is being a Dick.

Pegasussnail · 29/12/2021 16:45

Sounds like he wants to spoil the children but spoiling them isn't helping them. A quiet day at home does no harm. Squabbling in the back
Feck that. Off they go.

HeronLanyon · 29/12/2021 16:49

Tell him to take them out. Good practice - should he not buck up his ideas, stop belittling you - as hell then maybe be doing this quite a bit when he has them.
Honestly op you are not being unreasonable at all. Surely the children want a chance to catch breath play with their games watch some tv read a book etc etc.
Good luck

Newestname002 · 29/12/2021 16:58

@WineGetsMeThroughIt

Thanks all. I've stood my ground. He's just been sat on his laptop and told me he's booking them in this this afternoon and then says sulkingly "I guess you're not coming"

Nope! 😁

Well done!! Now you've stood up for yourself against his bullying and sulking hopefully it will be easier to do it another time - practice makes perfect!

Also as another PP said, don't use all the time they're out (or even any of it...) to do chores. You sound as though you need some downtime to just be with your own thoughts and be calm.

Onwards and upwards. 🌹

HeronLanyon · 29/12/2021 16:59

Well done op. It’s tough to change the mindset (both) and takes time. Have good quiet break.

SkiingIsHeaven · 29/12/2021 17:09

I have taken myself to bed. I can't stand the constant noise. My head is banging.

Give that a try. Bliss.

babasaclover · 29/12/2021 17:12

Can't beat a quiet day in, also with Covid the way it is at the moment you could be spreading everywhere you go so an activity in a different place with different people every day he's not a great idea tell him that

BitterTits · 29/12/2021 17:17

He sounds like a prick. I've done nothing but relax since Christmas and the DCs are perfectly happy with that.

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 17:22

@Wombat43

Adhd is not well-named, you need space for recovery. He does not sound like a good husband for you.

As you get nearer to menopause age, he'll need to be kinder & more understanding or hell be toast or you'll break down. I'd be trying to fix this now. Frankly, sounds exhausting now too.

This.

You sound bullied and harassed by him.

Calling you names because you don't want to do what he wants is abusive and not normal.

It is very acceptable to not wish to be out and about constantly.

You need to stand up for yourself and insist he does more with them on his own.

You need to protect your MH.

Children need chill out time too.

Htfdsyke · 29/12/2021 17:25

Even DC need time off to potter, daydream, play with their toys occasionally. He's being selfish.

Sedai · 29/12/2021 17:28

You have done the running around already and its freezing outside. I don't blame you for wanting a quiet day. He can absolutely take them out alone.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/12/2021 17:38

He sounds horrible!

The obvious solution is he takes them alone, without you as babysitter/ argument stopper

thetinsoldier · 29/12/2021 18:45

He sounds like a selfish, petulant Disney dad who doesn't care about what you want to do or your feelings. I think you're all mad going to so many places during Covid.

If you can't talk to him or tell him how you feel, and he won't listen, what's the point of being with him?

Did he do any of the cooking, tidying or helping over Christmas, or let you do it all?

He literally sounds vile and selfish. I'd be reconsidering my entire relationship.

runningfromtheoutlaws · 29/12/2021 18:55

Tell him idlf he wants to go out, he can take the dcs with him. Twunt

JingsMahBucket · 29/12/2021 19:39

@Squirrelblanket

My husband is a bit like this. (Although we are childfree.) We had a guest for Christmas and they went home on 27 Dec. We had a discussion in the car after dropping them off to see what we wanted to do with the rest of the holiday and he not only wants to go for a long walk in the hills every day, he expects me to be keen to do it too. I've explained a million times that I'm happy to go for a few walks but I don't want to do it everyday! I did all the cooking over Christmas and while I don't mind this, I would like a few chill days too.

He is willing to go on his own if I say this but it's really annoying that he suggests it at this time every year, and we have the same conversation! We've been together 17 years!

@Squirrelblanket your husband sounds like mine and we don’t have kids either. We just had a really fun day trip to another city yesterday where we saw friends, walked about 19,000 steps, socialized and both came home tired and shattered.

He just told me he’s bored and is going to go out now or something. He can go! He’s huffing and puffing all over the place and is starting to annoy me. 🙄

ArianaG · 30/12/2021 14:28

@tootiredtospeak I feel the same as you!

I'm with your dh really op as I feel that a day inside is wasted. I like staying in for the morning then going somewhere in the afternoon. I struggle to spend a day inside, don't find it relaxing with the kids and I want to do it even less after lockdown as I feel we have to do as much as possible while we can. I think my dcs still get downtime too just not full days of it.

However we are all different and if you feel the need to stay in then it is not unreasonable for dh to take dcs out alone.

tootiredtospeak · 30/12/2021 14:42

I am baffled by some of the responses on this thread. He is vile and selfish and you would leave him. He is a disney Dad ect. It sounds a bit much what he wants to do and he shouldn't speak to the OP like he does and she should pull him up on that. Some of the responses are way OTT.

Abouttimemum · 30/12/2021 14:54

I prefer to be out with DS aged almost 3 as a day in the house with him isn’t relaxing. He’s far easier when out doing something. Plus I enjoy it and we have lots of the things you mention on our doorstep (everything sounds very far away from you!) so it’s not a hardship.
That said, DH took him out on his own this morning so I could do something for myself / stare into space for a few hours, and I’m taking him out just now so DH can have the same. It doesn’t always have to be all of you and if you don’t want to go out then that’s totally up to you!!

Justgettingbye · 30/12/2021 18:25

I'm with you OP I could not be bothered to go out all the time. Much happier staying in, glad you got your way this time!

user1471538283 · 30/12/2021 18:44

So you mind the children whilst he is fun dad on the days out? Or does he actively look after them?

I like going out and about but in order to run a home half well you have to be in it some of the time. I am very anxious with crowds at the moment.

Coasterfan · 30/12/2021 19:46

This is me and the kids, we love being out doing stuff but DH likes downtime, so I will take the kids out every day and he will come every couple of days and he ll do chores etc if he doesn’t come. Your husband should take them out if that’s what he wants to do, and you stay home. it’s not necessary to do everything together all of the time.

gosling24 · 30/12/2021 19:57

YANBU. If your children are never used to a quiet day at home and amusing themselves, they may not learn something I would class as a small life skill. In addition to the importance of your own health.

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