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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just want a quiet day in?

75 replies

WineGetsMeThroughIt · 29/12/2021 11:40

For some reason my husband has decided that over the Christmas holidays he wants to get the children out and doing fun things as much as possible.

Christmas Eve we did stay at home most of the day, but went for an afternoon walk and to the park and then to some local shops and an early evening church service.

Christmas Day we stayed home. I cooked the entire day, made them all 3 meals, tidied in between and basically didn't sit down until Christmas dinner at 6pm.

Boxing Day we went to a national trust property about 45 mins away. The children bickered and fought and squabbled in the back of the car the entire way there and back. I was constantly having to tell them to stop, pass them snacks, tell them to be quiet Etc.

The 27th we drove for nearly 2hrs (should have taken us an hour) to go to a new fast food restaurant they all wanted to go in and queued up for 25 mins before we could get in. Then went to some shops where the crowds were insane, then a winter wonderland fun fair thing, then to dinner (tried 4 restaurants before one had space for us). The whole day was terrible, service was awful. Didn't leave until nearly 9pm for an hours drive back home. I was so overwhelmed by the noise and business and bickering between everything and the children I flipped out at my son to stop pestering my daughter in the car and I paid him £5 to be quiet the entire journey home 😩

Yesterday we went swimming and then to Tesco. Again a 30 min car ride with both children is a nightmare.

Husband has been asking me what we're going to do today (he asked this last night and today) and I said I really just want a quiet day at home so I can tidy up some of the Christmas mess, and get some laundry done and some food prepped to take to a friends house tomorrow. He keeps getting so annoyed that I'm not on board with his constant entertainment of the children and is adamant we do fun things to make the holidays memorable for them. He really wants to drive 30 mins to an indoor trampoline park today or a play centre but this makes me very anxious with covid and the noise and the fact I'll have to be chasing our daughter around watching her.

He can tell I'm not keen on this as I don't really say anything when he mentions it. He asked me again what we're doing this morning and I said I would really just like a day at home. He got all stroppy and started into his usual tirade of put downs for me saying I was being selfish and how I never want to do anything. I told him he could take one or both children (10 & 3) to the trampoline. Park but I didn't want to go. He said I was running the holidays and I'm incredibly selfish.

AIBU for just wanting a quiet day in and not putting the children's fun first? Are we doing enough? We have things planned for next week too.

For context - I had undiagnosed ADHD and am an introvert. Sounds like bickering and whining and crying with my sons sounds on top put me over the edge. I suspect my son has ADHD / ASD / Tourette's. Daughter is just a normal 3yr old so can't rationalise things all that well

OP posts:
CurryLover55 · 29/12/2021 12:45

That made very uncomfortable reading OP & I’m so sorry your DH speaks to you the way he does. It’s not being selfish at all to want some downtime & as a pp said, the kids are probably playing up because they need downtime too. I felt exhausted just reading your OP! Does your DH always get angry with you & put you down? If you already have anxiety, his attitude definitely won’t help.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/12/2021 12:47

I forbid you to go, OP Grin

Don’t give in.

CanofCant · 29/12/2021 12:50

He's sounds like an absolute nightmare. YANBU. Stand your ground today and forever more. Hope you have a nice quiet day alone to decompress and get organised at home.

BlingLoving · 29/12/2021 12:52

I get that if he's the type to be out and about all the time that he doesn't understand that you need quiet, but surely after a long relationship he can see that you don't always have to do everything together and that it's okay for him to tae the kids to the trampoline park while you stay home. Theoretically, this should be reciprocated eg you take the kids out while he gets a few hours at home, but doesn't sound like he would want that? Or, perhaps he's like BIL and doesn't want that because he already gets plenty of time at home alone but you don't.

tootiredtospeak · 29/12/2021 12:55

On the point of there always being two sides. My friend just text to say she is fed up as her partner has took the kids swimming to the park and soft play and she is left in clearing up and cooking. People are different and want different things communication and compromise is the most important things

Owlink · 29/12/2021 12:57

He sounds like a bully.

Shinychestnuts · 29/12/2021 13:00

YANBU at all op. Tell him that you desperately need some peace and some alone time and to take the dc out by himself. Ask him what is stopping him? Give him concrete examples of male friends who take their dc out alone. Explain that he is causing you all unnecessary stress. And that you have as much right to stay in as he has to go out.

Also, it really 'gets' me when blokes have all the time in the world to go out because they don't 'see' the housework that needs doing. You could try telling him that you will go out when the laundry is done and give him a big pile of it and add bathroom and kitchen floor cleaning to the list as well! Then see how much energy he has left to gad about!

And if he won't do that, tell him to go out alone and to give you all a break.

Take care op Flowers

Flippyteeno · 29/12/2021 13:01

Jesus I'm exhausted just reading all that. ADHD or not, that is some schedule. I'm as yet undiagnosed ADHD too with three DC and absolutely HAVE to have downtime..you're going to burn yourself out OP and that is far worse for your children than having the odd day at home. Plus them orchestrating their own activities and figuring it what to do is GOOD for them. It really is!! It's part of a healthy development. Having everything planned and organised constantly for them gives them no opportunity to use their imagination. Tell your DH to look into it.

Your DH sounds hard work. My husband is no saint but will encourage me to do things he knows make me happy and I know will always be open to helping out whenever I want time alone or time with the DC and not him etc.

Do you and your DH talk at all other than him nagging about the next thing he wants you all to do? Actually talk? Does he have any clue about your ADHD? Has he read up on it? He doesn't 'get' you OP and you need him to get you in order for you to be a functional mother and human. x

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 29/12/2021 13:05

I notice he wants to go but it'll be you chasing your daughter around. Think it's high time he took on more of that. Don't give in and go, send him by himself!

Oh and turn the 'selfish' thing right back to him - I would say it's selfish of him to insist on all these outings but not be prepared to take them on his own.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 29/12/2021 13:05

Bloody hell - did he miss out as a child or something? That all sounds exhausting and the children will be too tired to go back to school!
We have had a relaxing Christmas break - dd is amusing herself - so long as we get out every day for a swim, walk or bike ride, l don't mind what she does within reason.

Squirrelblanket · 29/12/2021 13:16

My husband is a bit like this. (Although we are childfree.) We had a guest for Christmas and they went home on 27 Dec. We had a discussion in the car after dropping them off to see what we wanted to do with the rest of the holiday and he not only wants to go for a long walk in the hills every day, he expects me to be keen to do it too. I've explained a million times that I'm happy to go for a few walks but I don't want to do it everyday! I did all the cooking over Christmas and while I don't mind this, I would like a few chill days too.

He is willing to go on his own if I say this but it's really annoying that he suggests it at this time every year, and we have the same conversation! We've been together 17 years!

Crunchymum · 29/12/2021 13:20

Why doesn't he want to have the kids on his own?

Showpan · 29/12/2021 13:27

Jeez, sounds exhausting. I'd be going nowhere for next few days. Surely the children will be shattered too.

Pysgodywibliwobli · 29/12/2021 13:34

I'm your DH in this scenario. I want to be out doing stuff- ideally out by 10am. My kids bounce off the walls if they stay in too much and my DH is happy to let them stay in /watch telly all day. When I'm coming back from work they are fighting/ wrestling/ haven't burnt enough energy. Then I have to step in and parent. I know every child is different.

However, I would normally take them out by myself and give him time to do stuff ( like work or time to himself).

I too feel wary about covid numbers but at the same time aware we could be in another lockdown next week with months of bloody walks and freezing parks ahead.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/12/2021 13:36

Does he actually do anything to help at home? It sounds to me like you do all the domestic work. He sounds very difficult to live with.

I'd ignore him or if he's going to tell you you're selfish I'd be pointing out it's him that's the selfish one - he expects you to fall in with his every wish.

Pysgodywibliwobli · 29/12/2021 13:42

I would also add you seem to be doing the hard work here -eg Christmas day cooking and his days out are not well planned- e.g. the restaurants not being booked . I would insist he takes the kid's out for the whole day by himself to give you a break.

I am very spontaneous and last minute but my DH isn't. I know a fun day for me would be stressful forhim and take into account.

LegoPandemic · 29/12/2021 13:42

10 and 3 sound difficult ages for both to be happy.
Send him out with the 3 year old. My 10 year old wants and needs lots of lazy days in the holidays. School is full on and tiring. They need time to read, play with new stuff, even just a PJ day with TV.
It’s your DH who is going stir crazy - does he work FT/ from home and wants to make the most of his annual leave?

rocky1914 · 29/12/2021 13:42

@Thehop

He wants you for childcare. No reason at all he shouldn’t take them himself and give you chance to stay home.
This.

I'm really annoyed for you OP. It's incredibly obvious that he does not actually want you there for your company and to spend quality time with the children, but rather as a glorified babysitter. As though you haven't clearly bent over backwards for the family over the Christmas period.

I assure you, you've done more than enough since Christmas Eve. Your children will not suffer having one day at home.

Booboobadoo · 29/12/2021 13:46

It reads like the wants and needs of your DH are the only ones being considered. That he sulks if he doesn't get his own way, leaves you to do all the hard work in the house and with the children and punishes you if you challenge him. This sounds thoroughly unpleasant, no wonder you feel dreadful.

LannieDuck · 29/12/2021 14:53

It's selfish of him to assume he wants always trump yours. Why don't you alternate days? He gets to have an active day one day, and then you get to have a quiet day the next.

Nothing to stop him taking the kids out himself on your quiet days if they all way to go.

Also, make sure he's doing half the chores at home. He probably has excess energy because you're doing all the work! You cooked all day xmas day? He needs to do all the cooking boxing day. You're doing laundry? He can tidy the xmas mess, etc.

Hunderland · 29/12/2021 15:14

On top of all the other comments, you must be spending a FORTUNE Xmas Confused

User2638483 · 29/12/2021 15:17

Balance is the key
I don’t blame you at all, it’s also nice for the kids to stay in and play with their presents.

I’m also AMAZED you haven’t caught covid going to all those crowded places! Doesn’t sound like he’d cope well with isolating at home….

CrimbleCrumble1 · 29/12/2021 15:20

Suggest either he takes the DC out on his own or you all go for a shorter, closer, child friendly trip out.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 29/12/2021 15:56

@Booboobadoo

It reads like the wants and needs of your DH are the only ones being considered. That he sulks if he doesn't get his own way, leaves you to do all the hard work in the house and with the children and punishes you if you challenge him. This sounds thoroughly unpleasant, no wonder you feel dreadful.
OP, I agree with @Booboobadoo completely.

Could you show him Boob's post safely? If he is this horrible (I nearly put 'inconsiderate', but his behaviour goes way beyond that) a lot of the time please don't saddle yourself with it for the rest of your life. 💐

Deepfriedbrie · 29/12/2021 16:12

Surely the children are eager to stay at home and play with their new toys? I’ve had a lovely few days mooching about with my children playing board games, doing crafts, dancing round the living room and watching films. Actively trying to avoid mingling with too many people to avoid covid as much as possible. Same as someone above said about getting out once a day- usually a dog walk- been to the beach, the woods, the park etc. I don’t blame you for the wanting a day in- I feel positively lazy in comparison! Find a delicious tin of biscuits to scoff and watch a film while he goes out Grin or enjoy a relaxing bath.