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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel like my partner doesn’t have my back. AIBU

35 replies

Lolabray · 29/12/2021 09:30

AIBU

I have been with my partner a few years and generally we get on however .. recently we have been out in the pub and the last time was when I said something to his friend as he was making sexist remarks.

My partner immediately jumped at his defence and shouted he hasn’t done anything. Which in my eyes he had and I was only trying to express opinion

To keep the peace I went over to another friend to get away and calm down (I had only had 2 drinks btw) when my partner started to try and calm me down but then I was angry at him because he always takes others sides.

I was really cross inside as this has happened before and then it gets turned around I feel like I’m the one to blame

I am not a trouble causer, but he will jump in mid conversation and get quite angry with me sometimes which then gets my back up.

This seems to happen every so often but recently this has happened twice (the first time I was having a conversation with his friend) where he butted in and started having a go.

This then turns into an argument as it was nothing to do with him in the first place and then I feel attacked.

Yesterday I had a bit of a wake up call and thought actually I’m not happy with your behaviour (even though it was a few days ago) so said I won’t be seeing you as I need space.

My question is AIBU by bringing this up and telling him I’m upset and hurt with how he defends others and speaks to me. how do I get through to him that it’s not ok to shout at me in public .. my only solution is sorry mate I’m not going out with you again to the pub. At home he is loving and caring but I’m not putting up with one sided behaviour towards me. Even though it was a few days ago deep down I’m annoyed and realise I deserve better and a partner who has my back and can see my viewpoint.

He says I dig things up and won’t sit down
And have an adult conversation instead wants to pretend nothing has happened.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2021 09:32

Why are you wasting your time with this man? Your relationship isn't worth saving.

Blanca87 · 29/12/2021 09:33

Leave him.

pinkyredrose · 29/12/2021 09:34

Get rid of him. He doesn't respect you.

MaskingForIt · 29/12/2021 09:37

Tbh you sound like a bit of a social handgrenade so I can understand why he tries to smooth things over, but if he and his friends aren’t as woke as you this relationship probably isn’t going anywhere.

Original poster

Lolabray · 29/12/2021 10:21

MaskingForIt

Tbh you sound like a bit of a social handgrenade

A social handgrenade ? Really. Thanks

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 29/12/2021 10:26

Was it a healthy disagreement? Adults shoul be able to discuss and disagree without an argument.

Or did he have a go at you?

If its the latter, I'd be inclined to end it.

Original poster

Lolabray · 29/12/2021 10:28

The last time was a disagreement about sexist opinions . The time before I was having a conversation with his friend when he flew off the handle and kicked off.

Reading this back I’m not going anywhere on nye.

OP posts:

XiCi · 29/12/2021 10:28

Your partner having your back is up there in the most important things in a relationship imo so I'd be re-evaluating pretty quickly at the first sign of this not happening. Your situation sounds much worse than not having your back though. From what you describe he is actively looking to jump in to your conversations and verbally attack you and start arguments. He sounds awful tbh and 'generally getting on' is certainly no reason to stay with someone who appears to have no respect for you

Original poster

Lolabray · 29/12/2021 10:32

@XiCi thank you and yes this is the truth. No respect then no relationship

OP posts:

BridStar · 29/12/2021 10:34

No one should feel compelled to stay silent or 'take a side' based on relationships. You can own your own views and state them. I do not 'take sides' and support people I disagree with, nor will I stay silent if I wish to support something another does not. We're all entitled to our own views.

However, what this has revealed is your partner likes sexist remarks and will challenge attempts to correct them.

He's shown you his true colours. The rest is up to you.

phishy · 29/12/2021 10:35

So depressing that OP is being criticised for challenging a man’s sexist statements on a women’s site.

OP, you are not the problem, the problem is misogynistic men and the handmaidens who defend them.

User112 · 29/12/2021 10:37

You will have disagreements with his family and it’ll leave you REALLY hurt and lonely when he takes their side. Leave him.

Cam2020 · 29/12/2021 10:37

It sounds like a comparability issue. Your views don't align with his or his friends, which is fine on small matters, but on the big issues, it does.

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 10:38

@XiCi

Excellent post and bang on the money.

Why would you want to be with someone who publicly humiliates you in this way?

He sounds awful.

Dump.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 10:39

He doesn't have to agree with you but what he needs to do is keep out of your conversations with other people.

You're a big girl now and he doesn't have to be butting in to disagree or agree, let alone shouting.

Cam2020 · 29/12/2021 10:41

FWIW, sexist 'jokes' are something that make me see red too. YANU to have your principles, stick to them and not tolerate disrespect.

Lonely342 · 29/12/2021 10:42

Would really help to know what his friend said and what you challenged him on

CovidPassQuestion · 29/12/2021 10:47

Anyone who backs their friend when they're making sexist remarks isn't going to have your back ever, because they see you as a lesser human. (I apologise if you're male, I have assumed you're female)

This isn't the person for you, I'm sorry

lynntheyresexswappers · 29/12/2021 10:48

@XiCi

How on earth does disagreeing on something, mean he's attacking constantly? Mumsnet is absolutely hysterical at times. So are we saying that he should have agreed with op, in what she said to his friend? Even if he had a different opinion? In that case, does op have to agree with everything her DP says, or she will be accused of not having his back?

There is nothing wrong with him saying he felt his friend didn't do anything wrong, if that's his opinion.
Unless he is continually verbally aggressive and abusive, and he was screaming and shouting about it, I'm struggling to see the issue.

lynntheyresexswappers · 29/12/2021 10:49

@phishy

So depressing that OP is being criticised for challenging a man’s sexist statements on a women’s site.

OP, you are not the problem, the problem is misogynistic men and the handmaidens who defend them.

It's not a women's site though, is it?

FictionalCharacter · 29/12/2021 10:52

Shouting at you in the pub is horrible.
If he doesn't support you now he never will. He has a low level of respect for you and doesn't think you should have a voice. Maybe he'd just like you to shut up and not have opinions?

He reminds me of my late father, who used to do things like that. He didn't like his wife or kids speaking up or standing up for ourselves, even to complain about really bad service or tell someone they were completely wrong, so he'd take the other person's side every time to make himself look like the nice guy. It was one of many ways he made our lives miserable.

Original poster

Lolabray · 29/12/2021 10:55

The time in the pub with the sexist comment I have put another post about this on, I was angry with the situation so took myself off to get out of there and chat with a friend, he kept then trying to be nice to me and I’m like please leave me alone. At one point he point blank stood and screamed in my face at which point two people intervened and told him to calm down one took him off, then he expected me to be right with him.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 29/12/2021 10:55

Your boyfriend butting into a conversation he isn’t even a part of and using the opportunity to have an argument with you, is a red flag. He doesn’t have your back or won’t when it matters.

That’s not hysteria that’s a plain hard fact.

I’d ditch him and move on too.

XiCi · 29/12/2021 10:55

How on earth does disagreeing on something, mean he's attacking constantly?Mumsnet is absolutely hysterical at times

It doesn't. No mention in mine or anyone's post about 'attacking constantly'. The only hysterical post is yours. Maybe try and read before jumping in next time.
Of course there is nothing wrong with having a difference of opinion with their partner but most people manage this without getting angry and making their partner feel attacked as the OP described

Sparklfairy · 29/12/2021 10:57

Same happened to me. Guy at the pub smirked at me that he never uses condoms. I asked what would you if you got a woman pregnant? He gave me a look that made me shudder and said... use a coat hanger

I didn't even kick off, though I fucking felt like it. So I just looked him up and down and said you are fucking disgusting, and let the awkward silence hang.

Boyfriend squirmed for a bit and said "so... going anywhere nice on your holidays?" Or something equally chatty as if he expected me to sit and continue the conversation. I walked out and left them all there. And if that makes me a social grenade, so be it.

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