Feel like my partner doesn’t have my back. AIBU

[Lolabray]

AIBU

I have been with my partner a few years and generally we get on however .. recently we have been out in the pub and the last time was when I said something to his friend as he was making sexist remarks.

My partner immediately jumped at his defence and shouted he hasn’t done anything. Which in my eyes he had and I was only trying to express opinion

To keep the peace I went over to another friend to get away and calm down (I had only had 2 drinks btw) when my partner started to try and calm me down but then I was angry at him because he always takes others sides.

I was really cross inside as this has happened before and then it gets turned around I feel like I’m the one to blame

I am not a trouble causer, but he will jump in mid conversation and get quite angry with me sometimes which then gets my back up.

This seems to happen every so often but recently this has happened twice (the first time I was having a conversation with his friend) where he butted in and started having a go.

This then turns into an argument as it was nothing to do with him in the first place and then I feel attacked.

Yesterday I had a bit of a wake up call and thought actually I’m not happy with your behaviour (even though it was a few days ago) so said I won’t be seeing you as I need space.

My question is AIBU by bringing this up and telling him I’m upset and hurt with how he defends others and speaks to me. how do I get through to him that it’s not ok to shout at me in public .. my only solution is sorry mate I’m not going out with you again to the pub. At home he is loving and caring but I’m not putting up with one sided behaviour towards me. Even though it was a few days ago deep down I’m annoyed and realise I deserve better and a partner who has my back and can see my viewpoint.

He says I dig things up and won’t sit down
And have an adult conversation instead wants to pretend nothing has happened.

He doesn’t attack me constantly, he’s a nice caring man generally however lately when we have been out he doesn’t know when to go home, there’s clearly an issue with alcohol which there has been since we met, although he doesn’t drink at home when we do go out he can’t seem to leave. I don’t think if alcohol wasn’t in him that day then he would have never got so angry.

@XiCi

From what you describe he is actively looking to jump in to your conversations and verbally attack you and start arguments.

@Sparklfairy wow what a prick that man was. I hope he catches a big STI. And yes me too I must be a ‘social hand grenade’ for having a point of view .. 😂

@lynntheyresexswappers there's nothing in that sentence that says 'attacks constantly' . Actively does not mean constantly

OP,

People had to intervene because of his screaming at you?

Are you serious?

Why are you with this abusive arsehole?

Dump.

Raise your relationship bar.

Clealy when drinking his dislike and disrespect leaks out from him.

I think spending too much time in the company of people whose values and beliefs are nasty is trying. If your DPs views are as triggering as his mates I’d reconsider.

In my experience though a lot of men find being sexist fun and rising women by being sexist even more fun. Most men are sexist to some degree and actually when you think about it most women are too because it is the prevailing culture. I think not rising to the bait is like ignoring bad behaviour in a child and it often works, let the comments pass like tumbleweed. Otherwise find some unpalatable male stereotypes and retort with those until everyone gets bored and moves on. Don’t get into a drunken debate though because that sets you up to fail. You end up being the unreasonable one for not getting the joke

"Recently we have been out in the pub and the last time was when I said something to his friend as he was making sexist remarks."

You are trying to police other people's thoughts and speech. People don't like that shit, especially when they are off work and out relaxing.
It's not only rude, but boring. Maybe get your own friends.

People had to intervene because he was screaming in your face??

Get away from this man now!!

@Sparklfairy
Good for you! I'm like that too. I really wish more women had more confidence to speak out

To the OP - your partner sounds awful, tbh and you're not being given space to speak out: it almost sounds like you're being trained to be meek.

I think its incredibly hard to judge the actual situation in the pub (although raising his voice at me would be an instant out on the doorstep for my relationship personally) but I do recognise that this is one side. I've met people who really did need to tone it down who are just looking for an argument where none exists. My dsis would manage to "challenge" anything anywhere. Even if it doesn't exist. Not because she feels it is right but because she has no personality other than social crusader without actually doing anything about it that is meaningful. I'd usually say I'd always be on the side of challenging sexism in any situation but dsis is a great example of using it to be an arse and making stuff up. So it is hard to tell without being there.

That said for me on the face of it , it's a deal breaker, DP has my back in public more or less no matter what (exempting being horrendous to children or vulnerable people which I would never do). He knows absolutely he can challenge me behind closed doors if I am in the wrong and has (and was annoyingly right) but in public he would either stay quiet or be my support. If I am wrong he will happily tell me respectfully and reasonably in private.

Playing some childish silly game of putting his woman in her place would be an end of relationship for me (I absolutely mean that both ways I also can't bear women who degrade their partners in a fner fner aren't they useless way).

I'd be gone OP. Intervening behaviour like that is just about him attention seeking at your expense to seem like the big man. That's weak and unattractive.