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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So much breastfeeding regret

40 replies

Chillyanddamp · 29/12/2021 08:29

My son is now 12 months and I still feel alternately sad, angry and resentful that breastfeeding was unsupported.

He has a cold and so is rejecting most solids - lots of babies I know are in a similar boat but are still breastfeeding so no concerns about nutrition. (Mine won’t take cows milk.)

I do know by the way that breastfeeding isn’t a bed of roses and I know some of you will have elicited not to do it bur I wanted to and my choice was taken away.

OP posts:
StarsandStones · 29/12/2021 08:35

I am so sorry this happened to you.

He also won't take a bottle? That was what my GP advised when DD was ill. Extra bottles of formula. Even at this age and a bit beyond.

If he has a cold, he most likely has a sore throat. Is there any food that you can offer as cooled down puree? Or even home made icecream? Frozen yoghurt or juice?

Verbena87 · 29/12/2021 08:38

That is shit, I’m so sorry. Breastfeeding support in this country is in a desperate state and it sucks - you have been failed and you really are allowed to feel angry and sad about it. I think people can be really dismissive about the emotion around not getting the journey you’d hoped for with birth/motherhood if you have a healthy baby, but it’s a kind of grief and you need to treat yourself gently over it.

All that said, it’s also true that you’re doing a great job and your child won’t care. Really hope the cold gets better soon, it is bloody miserable when they’re so little.

Big unmumsnetty hugs.

Original poster
Chillyanddamp · 29/12/2021 08:39

He is hit and miss with his bottles, he will seem to fill up overnight which isn’t ideal. I’ve tried the toddler milk which I know isn’t advised but what else can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chillyanddamp · 29/12/2021 08:40

And thank you, for the nice replies!

OP posts:
Morechocmorechoc · 29/12/2021 08:45

If he isn't eating or drinking cows milk then let him fill up on formula overnight while unwell. I gave mine formula till 2, bottle every night before bed as it helped hom sleep and has great nutrition

Cornettoninja · 29/12/2021 08:45

If it’s something you wanted to do is a very biological reaction you have to not being able to. I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you wanted.

But, you are still providing your dc with the most important thing and that’s you and your care. BF is a bonus, it’s not the be all and end all of bond and nurturing.

Is your ds accepting formula? That’s still nutritionally complete, also when they’re ill it’s just a case of getting anything you can in them no matter how nutritionally great it is or isn’t. Please try not to focus on it too much on what is getting inside him at this point.

My dd was always partial to an ice lolly so we make our own and have relied on them for hydration at some points when she’s been grotty.

SamanthaVimes · 29/12/2021 08:47

I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to feed as you wanted. You’ve been let down.

You’re right bf is good when they’ve got cold and won’t eat/ drink anything else.

Dr Amy Brown has a book about breastfeeding grief that you might find useful to read.

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 29/12/2021 08:47

Out of interest, in what way were you unsupported, and what sort of support would have helped?

This interests me as im studying around this area at the moment.

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 29/12/2021 08:49

@Verbena87

That is shit, I’m so sorry. Breastfeeding support in this country is in a desperate state and it sucks - you have been failed and you really are allowed to feel angry and sad about it. I think people can be really dismissive about the emotion around not getting the journey you’d hoped for with birth/motherhood if you have a healthy baby, but it’s a kind of grief and you need to treat yourself gently over it.

All that said, it’s also true that you’re doing a great job and your child won’t care. Really hope the cold gets better soon, it is bloody miserable when they’re so little.

Big unmumsnetty hugs.

This. Flowers
FateHasRedesignedMost · 29/12/2021 08:59

I’m sorry you feel you missed out.

Why was the choice taken away?

Original poster
Chillyanddamp · 29/12/2021 09:02

@ItsAllAboutTheLighting

Out of interest, in what way were you unsupported, and what sort of support would have helped?

This interests me as im studying around this area at the moment.

I couldn’t latch him on in the hospital, he would latch but seconds later lose his latch and then become really upset. The midwives were so busy they didn’t help.

I thought things might be better once home but it just got worse. We were out on a feeding plan which included formula, expressing milk and breastfeeding. I just couldn’t latch him on and in exhaustion and frustration I gave up and just expressed for about two and a half months. It nearly killed me and he was still having quite a lot of formula.

Thanks for the kind comments. I feel that the attitude was breast is best but then formula was pushed as soon as any difficulties became evident.

OP posts:
KevinTheKoala · 29/12/2021 09:25

I'm sorry that happened, breastfeeding support in the UK is non existent and midwives in hospital in particular seem to have no knowledge of breastfeeding or the time to sit and support a struggling mother! I was told I was starving my newborn when she was born - because she was cluster feeding - a midwives took her and gave her a bottle of formula without my consent after I told her that the baby was fine. Breastfeeding really isn't the be all and end all though, in the long run you really can't tell the difference between the children who had formula and who were ebf, it is unfair that you were not supported but holding on to that resentment will only hurt you in the end.

BunsOfAnarchy · 29/12/2021 09:27

BF support is hit and miss.
Mine came from an infant feeding clinic that also specialised in diagnosing tongue tie.
They not only saved my sanity, they saved my daughters life. The support was life changing.

However. No doctor or midwife told me about them. I was told to go there after DD wasn't putting on weight at 2.5 months old by a nurse at a drop in weight clinic that I decided to go to just to confirm my suspicion that DD was underweight.

It upsets me that the weeks before hand when I asked my midwife, my gp, my hv and all else for support they didn't give me the support for bf that I needed.

Give normal formula if u still gave some rather than the toddler milk and alternatively ( once baby is better) start trying cows milk again. It took DD a few tries to like cows milk.

ShippingNews · 29/12/2021 09:35

Breast milk isn't the be-all and end-all. If he is 12 months I don't understand your reluctance to give him regular formula or toddler milk. If he likes it, go for it.

JustWonderingIfYou · 29/12/2021 10:16

I don't understand why you feel the choice was taken away from you?

You made the choice to not feed surely? No one forced you to stop. Did you try going to your local feeding clinic, contacting a lactation consultant or going to any la leche meetings?

Original poster
Chillyanddamp · 29/12/2021 10:21

I attended a lactation consultant but she wasn’t very helpful to be honest. It was hard finding anyone as my baby was born in lockdown. For this reason La Leche was also not running - I don’t think it’s ever gone back to not being virtual actually.

I don’t think feeding clinics were running.

And I was forced to be honest … I mean, if you can’t breastfeed and no one will help you, you have to feed your baby somehow.

OP posts:
Lolalovesmarmite · 29/12/2021 11:20

I say this with kindness, although I know you may not be in the right place to hear it, but you need to move on. Even with support, you may not have fed your child for a full year. Most women don’t. Whilst BF support in this country could be better, it could also be an awful lot worse and in many countries there is no support at all.

You have a healthy child who has been nourished and cared for. He doesn’t care where that nourishment came from and, once he’s old enough to know the difference, he will not care how you fed him.

Don’t allow feelings of bitterness over something you cannot change poison your memories of your child’s first year. You cannot change the past, but you can change how you frame it and make for a much happier future.

You did your best in extraordinarily difficult circumstances, as I’m sure did many of the healthcare staff looking after you. Let that be enough.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 29/12/2021 11:21

Mime was too OP, bloody covid and no support being available. I have just had to force myself to get over it but it's not easy and your feelings are totally valid. X

rainyskylight · 29/12/2021 11:34

My DD is breastfed still once a day but otherwise on formula. She’s 13 months and very picky about food. I talked to the nursery about continuing formula for an extra couple of months to ensure she gets a kind of balanced diet and they said it’s not uncommon to do that. We take it day by day and she’s getting there, slowly.

Don’t beat yourself up. Even if you were bf your DS may well have given it up around this age anyway, as some babies do.

kikisparks · 29/12/2021 11:45

I had the same issue baby wouldn’t latch. I sought lots of support but none of it helped, my milk didn’t come in for a week, it took 3 weeks to get her tongue tie snipped and by then she had nipple confusion and only knew how to take a bottle, she just chews on my nipples. I had a lot of grief about it and I’ve been expressing 8 times a day since she was 3 days old but that’s tough too and I have to supplement with formula. Your feelings are valid, it’s a real grief. You did absolutely amazing giving him some of your milk for 2 and a half months! And you have prioritised ensuring your baby is fed which was the best thing you could do in the circumstances you faced. I hope he feels better soon.

DropYourSword · 29/12/2021 11:51

@JustWonderingIfYou

I don't understand why you feel the choice was taken away from you?

You made the choice to not feed surely? No one forced you to stop. Did you try going to your local feeding clinic, contacting a lactation consultant or going to any la leche meetings?

This is an incredibly insensitive thing to say to someone who is struggling with her BF journey!

OP - I had all the support you could possibly imagine, and threw LOTS of money at it and I STILL failed miserably with breastfeeding. It just didn’t work for me and DS. Gave up entirely at 10 weeks. I was devastated at the time but definitely wasn’t still upset nearly a year later. I can understand why you would feel the way you do at the time, but I wonder if it’s worth seeking some help to support you working through your feelings.

WandaWomblesaurus73 · 29/12/2021 12:06

It is a kind of grieving and probably feels magnified with baby not being well. You could try making some ice pops with milk or formula? Maybe mix a little milkshake mix in with it to make it taste like mini milk lollies.

Verbena87 · 30/12/2021 17:25

“ I don't understand why you feel the choice was taken away from you?

You made the choice to not feed surely? No one forced you to stop.”

Errr. Going to be kind and assume you had an easy journey with feeding (as did I, we aren’t unicorns) and haven’t seen what it’s like to struggle. Or perhaps it’s that you’re so spectacularly lacking in empathy that your friends don’t share their struggles with you. Either way, I’m not sure how this attitude helps.

A580Hojas · 30/12/2021 17:32

I'm so sorry you had this experience. Breastfeeding support is still woeful in this country. But your baby is fine and will be fine, try not to dwell. Regret is a very negative feeling and you have loved and cared for your baby like no one else could. Be proud of the caring Mama you are xx

MenoMom · 30/12/2021 18:39

you expressed so you did give your baby a great start in life - you really don't have anything to feel guilty about, we none of us can give our children a perfect life, you have to accept that you did your best and stop blaming yourself.

i wished i didn't have to go back to work when mine was 6 months, wished i could have afforded a nanny rather than a creche while she was tiny - but life is what it is and it doesn't mean i love her less or am not a good mother.

your child is loved and fed and that's the important thing - you live in a country where formula feeding doesn't carry any risks to your baby, can you take comfort from that?