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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So much breastfeeding regret

40 replies

Chillyanddamp · 29/12/2021 08:29

My son is now 12 months and I still feel alternately sad, angry and resentful that breastfeeding was unsupported.

He has a cold and so is rejecting most solids - lots of babies I know are in a similar boat but are still breastfeeding so no concerns about nutrition. (Mine won’t take cows milk.)

I do know by the way that breastfeeding isn’t a bed of roses and I know some of you will have elicited not to do it bur I wanted to and my choice was taken away.

OP posts:

FTEngineerM · 30/12/2021 18:51

I think LLL, Kellymom and the likes have a lot to answer for when it comes to women feeling guilt around how they feed their child(ren).

For some women it is absolutely possible to be totally at your child’s beck and call, feeding for hours day and night. For some women it isn’t possible, whether that’s because there are problems establishing breastfeeding, other children to look after or returning to work to name just a few.

It doesn’t then mean you aren’t doing your absolute best which ever you choose; we only have one tank of energy to give from.

For you, you’re absolute best is what you did and are doing now.

Goldilocks99 · 30/12/2021 18:57

I had a very similar experience to you op, and took grieving the bonding for a long time.
If it helps at all, I desperately pumped for over six months and regret it. All that time I pumped I couldn't hold my baby and I permanently mucked up my nipples.
As others have said, love for your baby and fed is best. Allow yourself to grieve but do rejoice in the now. Xx

DaisyStPatience · 30/12/2021 18:59

I do understand. I had my baby in lockdown too and support was dreadful. I think it's pretty poor generally though. Although a midwife spent ten minutes with me in hospital trying and then a health visitor tried too, they gave up and just told me "keep trying, you'll get there" which infuriated me - how can they possibly know that when all they've seen is me NOT getting there?!

I did eventually get there after five long weeks but the crushing disappointment I felt in myself when I thought I couldn't do it was so painful. I was convinced that my family would think I was a terrible, evil mother. I truly thought I'd ruined my daughter's life. How out of touch is that? But it felt so real.

In the end I combination fed and although an irrational part of me thinks "bad mum, should have tried harder" I don't think it actually makes any difference now. She would be the same bright, happy child whatever I'd fed her. One of her bottle-fed peers is very advanced for his age and a couple of the exclusively breastfed ones are total cabbages. It wasn't so long ago people were shovelling baby rice down the necks of three-month olds and leaving them sat outside in prams all day. I think we're doing okay 🙂

Bagamoyo1 · 30/12/2021 20:11

I’m sorry you’re disappointed OP, but I think midwives/health visitors can’t win.
If they push breast feeding and make big efforts to get women breastfeeding then they get called bullies. I’ve seen so many threads on here from mums who are angry that they’re being asked if they want to breast feed, getting all indignant about not having their choices respected and so on.

DeepaBeesKit · 30/12/2021 20:16

I feel that the attitude was breast is best but then formula was pushed as soon as any difficulties became evident.

I agree with you on this. One of my DC was prem and in scbu and loads of mums there wanted to try bf but if they weren't getting literally instant 100% success the nurses were so quick to suggest formula. I was stunned by how obvious it was that the nurses preferred formula as it was easier to fit their routines round it. Encouraging bf was clearly something they only paid lip service to.

Danikm151 · 30/12/2021 20:24

I was given a feeding plan at hospital due baby’s tongue tie. Was booked in for breastfeeding support and tongue tie snip then a week later it was all cancelled due to lock down.
Went private for tongue tie and the breastfeeding consultant was pretty much this is how you do it. Done.
Felt there was no support. Kept up with pumping/trying to breast feed and topping up with formula for 4 months.
Proud I managed that long tbf but I do feel a pang that I couldn’t keep it up longer.

Offer toddler milk to make sure baby is getting the nutrients he needs whilst poorly. We did a mix of formula and cows milk to eventually just go onto cows milk

Mollymopple · 30/12/2021 20:47

Feeding your baby is so emotional. We feel such guilt when it doesn't go to plan. Further guilt when we decide to stop BF however soon or late.The worst case really wanting to BF but unsupported. I'm sorry this has been your experience- don't be hard on yourself
I understand where you are coming from, I had a really bumpy ride with lots if bleeding and soreness due to poor latch, then once I seemed to master things I was rushed for emergency surgery and was told I couldn't feed. My exclusively bf baby refused the bottle for days and lost weight and I felt such guilt and responsibility. After surgery I desperately want to go back to feeding but my milk had almost dried up... I felt the choice had been taken from me.
Through sheer determination ( probably stubborness on my part) and some fantastic support from an NHS bf consultant I managed to re- lactate over a few weeks and revert to bf. I was so grateful for that support, but feel so sad when J hear that not every mum gets this.

M1RR0R · 30/12/2021 20:53

Bless you, I’ve felt this guilt deeply. It’s awful when they are poorly & wont take anything, just keep trying him with his bottles & I’m sure he’ll feel better soon. Can you try to dream feed? (Not sure if you can do this with formula)
Sounds exactly like my experience with DS1 (wouldn’t stay latched, no support in hospital, worse when home). I didn’t express either like you. I went on to feed DS2 for over 3 years & currently feeding DS3 who is 8mo. I don’t feel guilty anymore, I did my best. Time will heal

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2021 20:54

He wants comfort at night because he cant sleep very well at night so he is upping his bottles. Just keep offering bottles.

XelaM · 30/12/2021 20:58

Melodramatic. Honestly, millions of kids (including my own) aren't breastfeeding at the age of 1! Formula would have done him no harm. Just move on

lochmaree · 30/12/2021 22:58

@XelaM

it's not melodramatic. OP is entitled to feel how she feels. its not about harm to the child, or what other parents are doing, it's about how individual women feel about their own experiences. women are entitled to feel grief or upset by not being able to do something they wanted to do and in an ideal world their bodies would be able to do, especially when that is caused by a lack of support.

pointythings · 30/12/2021 23:08

I agree that breastfeeding support is terrible in the UK and always has been. It's a lottery - I had a fabulous community midwife who really knew her stuff - picked up DD1's mild tongue tie at 10 days and monitored (it self resolved), showed me alternative holds to help with sore nipples and helped me manage oversupply. Without her, I wouldn't have fed for 13 months and been able to take what I had learned through to feeding DD2. A very good friend of mine literally 20 minutes away in a different area had a midwife who was obsessed with weight charts and pushed formula at every opportunity. It's not acceptable. Every woman should be supported to feed how she wants to.

UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2021 23:11

@Chillyanddamp - I always said the same myself. This was back in 2007. It was all Breast is Best in pregnancy then once baby was born that was out the window and it was just the midwives wanting to see babies guzzling milk of any kind. I was told my baby was not feeding enough and to express and bottle feed him but if I couldn't express to give him formula. I found expressing so hard and could have easily just gone down the formula route. When he was first weighed and was expected to have lost weight he had gained. I ignored them after that and just breastfed him for the short time he wanted. He never changed only feeding for a short time and is now a strapping 14 yo. I'm so sorry you didn't get the support you needed but please know you have done your absolute best for your baby and that is enough.

catinthewindow · 30/12/2021 23:15

I’m so sorry. It is a form of loss, exacerbated be you being let down. I also recommend Prof Amy Browns book on breastfeeding grief or to follow her Instagram for support. It helped me start processing stuff. I can imagine just how you feel.

WandaWomblesaurus73 · 03/01/2022 22:59

Breastfeeding regret and grief is very real. I used to volunteer for LLL in America and we saw a lot of women in similar situations. Unless someone has experienced it, it's hard to understand the nuances of but others have given you some really good recommendations.
I wonder if writing some things down in order to process your feelings might help?

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