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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Oh no I’ve got the ick and i haven’t met him yet

46 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:12

I have no idea what to do. Met a lovely guy online dating back in November. We started talking as he seemed on paper what i was looking for. We’re both 31.

Anyway I went on holiday, then he went on holiday then he got covid and now I’ve had it so we haven’t been able to meet yet.

My dilemma is I know he’s got a past , he has a 4 year old from a 7 year past relationship. They split in may this year and she’s pregnant with a new partner so I know nothing would happen. But today I’ve done something absolutely stupid. I snooped on him on his Facebook and his Facebook is still full of his ex with pictures and posts etc. Surely when you split with someone you delete the ones that don’t have your child in.

It sounds awful but I’ve slightly changed my mind on him now and feel like I’d be the rebound and he’s not over her. They also share a dog together .

I need to just delete and block don’t i??

OP posts:

Rodion · 29/12/2021 02:16

Block and delete without telling him? That seems a bit harsh! I'd just tell him you'd enjoyed the getting to know him but it's taking so long to get off the ground that you're not feeling it anymore, but good luck with finding someone. Then block and delete if you think he might be a pain.

HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat · 29/12/2021 02:16

Why would you need to delete an ex? They are just memories. I think yabu. Are you friends with him or just seeing what is public?

araiwa · 29/12/2021 02:17

I need to just delete and block don’t i??

For his sake, yes

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 29/12/2021 02:17

I wouldn't say that is a red flag as such. My dp still has a friendship with his ex and are still Facebook friends. There are still photographs of them on his page, it doesn't bother me we are in a committed and trusting relationship and she's part of his life. You can't expect him to delete all evidence of his ex from social media, you've never even met and it may or may not work.

Sparklfairy · 29/12/2021 02:18

In some circles its a "thing" to delete but I don't. I'm not going to sift through years of photos as they don't bother me. Everyone has a past but I will say hes going to be attached to her for a very long time through their DC, so if its something you can't deal with now it doesn't bode well for the future.

For the record, I don't date men with kids, which is getting much harder as I get older!

Tinsellittis · 29/12/2021 02:20

Yes he does need to ‘delete and block’

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 02:20

Surely when you split with someone you delete the ones that don’t have your child in.

What? Why?

They're just photos and his ex is a part of his life.

I'd worry more about someone who was so intent on proving to the world that they're over their ex, they went trigger happy and started deleting photos, like it's going to make some sort of difference.

Not really adult-like behaviour imo.

lioncitygirl · 29/12/2021 02:23

What?! You sound a bit unhinged. Why on Earth would he have to delete an ex who he has a child with, why is he trying to erase his past? I would probably block and delete him for his sake!

TheHamburgler · 29/12/2021 02:25

Surely when you split with someone you delete the ones that don’t have your child in.
Maybe if you’re 15?

I think this guy would be dodging a bullet.

GoneAndNameChangedAgain · 29/12/2021 02:26

I haven’t deleted any of my posts with my ex in, why would I? I would be very wary of anyone who decided to not only snoop through my social media before we’d even met but decided I was still in love with my ex because I hadn’t erased him from my social media and pretended he never existed

DramaAlpaca · 29/12/2021 02:28

He hasn't done anything to warrant blocking. If you're no longer feeling it just be honest and move on, but let him know.

It sounds like you don't like the idea of being with someone who has a child from a previous relationship and that's fine, just be honest with yourself about it.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 02:29

@TheHamburgler

Surely when you split with someone you delete the ones that don’t have your child in. Maybe if you’re 15?

I think this guy would be dodging a bullet.

See even the teenagers I have on my FB haven't deleted those sort of photos.

They honestly haven't. I really don't think this is a 'thing' OP.

MorkandMandy · 29/12/2021 02:31

They split in May this year and she’s already pregnant? We’re they coinhabiting but technically apart for a bit? Or was she seeing someone else and left him? I don’t know. I’d be a bit weary of such a recent break up.

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:34

Sorry I didn’t delete and block as In ghost him. I meant delete as in wish him the best but he’s not for me.

Fair enough on the picture front. Thought I’d get a second opinion as most people I’ve spoken to said they’d delete the pictures etc or make them private.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:35

@MorkandMandy

Yep they split in may and she met someone else supposedly within a few weeks and is pregnant. I haven’t asked as it’s not my business but I just feel like he’s not over her . Just a gut feeling

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:37

@DramaAlpaca

He hasn't done anything to warrant blocking. If you're no longer feeling it just be honest and move on, but let him know.

It sounds like you don't like the idea of being with someone who has a child from a previous relationship and that's fine, just be honest with yourself about it.

Him having a child doesn’t bother me in any way at all. It’s the time scale that does and my gut feeling that he’s not over his ex that does.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:39

@HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat

Why would you need to delete an ex? They are just memories. I think yabu. Are you friends with him or just seeing what is public?

I’m friends with him on there . It’s all public and even at Christmas he posted a message about her and his little girl saying they were his family and he loved them forever.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 02:39

Sorry I didn’t delete and block as In ghost him. I meant delete as in wish him the best but he’s not for me.

That would definitely be best for him and his child.

Going forward, I'd be very wary of getting the type of man you appear to wish for. It's just social media, they're just photos, just women from the past.

Every potential boyfriend will have a past that doesn't involve you. You need to learn to deal with that.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 02:41

X posted

If you feel he's not over his ex then that's a completely different subject and of course YANBU to dump him.

Nothing to do with photos though.

almondcaramelcoconut · 29/12/2021 02:45

Looking at what someone posts on FB is not snooping. I haven't dated since FB became a thing, but surely that's something many people would do out of curiosity about someone they're interested in.

I don't think it's typical to delete photos of your ex. More likely if it was a very acrimonious split, like someone cheating on you. Less likely if you're managing to keep things civil for the sake of your child.

No, I wouldn't just block someone because they hadn't scrubbed their FB of all photos of their ex. If he seems to be talking about her or engaging with her at a level that makes you uncomfortable, that's understandable, but I don't think you can expect him to completely erase his past when he has a child with this woman. Tell him about your concerns if you'd like to give him a chance. Otherwise, just say you're feeling differently now/things have changed for you/etc.

Insert1x20p · 29/12/2021 02:45

There are two separate issues- is he over his ex? Who knows. She moved on quickly, that's for sure but hard to say without knowing the backstory. If you like him, just take it slowly/ casual until you get the lie of the land.

Photos, totally fine. I'd be more wary of people who edit their pasts.

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:46

@WorraLiberty

Sorry I didn’t delete and block as In ghost him. I meant delete as in wish him the best but he’s not for me.

That would definitely be best for him and his child.

Going forward, I'd be very wary of getting the type of man you appear to wish for. It's just social media, they're just photos, just women from the past.

Every potential boyfriend will have a past that doesn't involve you. You need to learn to deal with that.

Going forward I think I need to steer clear of guys who’ve had a breakup less then 6 months ago.

Photos and pasts don’t bother me but maybe I do things differently as I wouldn’t post posts about an ex I’ve split from or pictures. Just screams your not over them but I had hoped he was . He’s lovely.

OP posts:

GoneAndNameChangedAgain · 29/12/2021 02:47

The Christmas message about him loving her and her always being family is very definitely a red flag though!

Original poster

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:49

@Insert1x20p

Photos, totally fine. I'd be more wary of people who edit their pasts.

Who knows sadly. I actually make a point of not talking about ex’s with someone till I get to know them if that makes sense but he’s brought her up and told me about the new baby on the way etc. I even double checked it wasn’t his.

OP posts:

ajs8 · 29/12/2021 02:51

@TheHamburgler

Surely when you split with someone you delete the ones that don’t have your child in. Maybe if you’re 15?

I think this guy would be dodging a bullet.

I agree! Let’s hope she hasn’t shot the bullet yet!

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