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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh no I’ve got the ick and i haven’t met him yet

46 replies

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 02:12

I have no idea what to do. Met a lovely guy online dating back in November. We started talking as he seemed on paper what i was looking for. We’re both 31.

Anyway I went on holiday, then he went on holiday then he got covid and now I’ve had it so we haven’t been able to meet yet.

My dilemma is I know he’s got a past , he has a 4 year old from a 7 year past relationship. They split in may this year and she’s pregnant with a new partner so I know nothing would happen. But today I’ve done something absolutely stupid. I snooped on him on his Facebook and his Facebook is still full of his ex with pictures and posts etc. Surely when you split with someone you delete the ones that don’t have your child in.

It sounds awful but I’ve slightly changed my mind on him now and feel like I’d be the rebound and he’s not over her. They also share a dog together .

I need to just delete and block don’t i??

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 29/12/2021 02:55

This is the first I am hearing that people are supposed to go and edit their online history to erase an ex. Is that really something people do?

Saoirse82 · 29/12/2021 03:01

@Blossom64265

This is the first I am hearing that people are supposed to go and edit their online history to erase an ex. Is that really something people do?
No.
Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 03:07

@Blossom64265

This is the first I am hearing that people are supposed to go and edit their online history to erase an ex. Is that really something people do?
Who knows. From what I’ve heard some do and some don’t.
OP posts:
Lachimolala · 29/12/2021 03:19

I’d wait and give it a chance. On my Facebook there’s still hundreds of photos of me and my abusive ex and you would think I’d delete them ASAP given what he did to me wouldn’t you? The reality is I just can’t face the task, there’s so many and I’m so busy I just can’t be bothered/haven’t gotten round to it yet. It doesn’t mean I don’t hate him any less than I do (and I really do despise the prick).

DogsandCatsB4u · 29/12/2021 03:22

Yabu to not give him a chance and Yabu to use “get the ick” how cringe

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2021 03:25

Agree that feeling like you need to edit your online history is weirder than leaving it up.
I'd ask him directly. I saw on FB your comment about loving your ex forever, are you actually ready for another serious relationship etc. I'm worried you're on the rebound. You're ready to ditch him so honesty costs you nothing.

Its less of a red flag than my ex is a bitch, total psycho etc

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 03:25

@DogsandCatsB4u

Yabu to not give him a chance and Yabu to use “get the ick” how cringe
It’s just a phrase I picked up from here actually 😂. If you don’t like it you don’t like it
OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2021 03:28

@SleepingStandingUp

Agree that feeling like you need to edit your online history is weirder than leaving it up. I'd ask him directly. I saw on FB your comment about loving your ex forever, are you actually ready for another serious relationship etc. I'm worried you're on the rebound. You're ready to ditch him so honesty costs you nothing.

Its less of a red flag than my ex is a bitch, total psycho etc

To be honest with my dating history I’m used to the guy saying he has psycho ex’s so when this one seems calm about it but I see that on Facebook it makes me think.

I’ll try and chat to him but I just can’t face him lying to me and then possibly find out later down the line that he’s not over her etc.

OP posts:
Baileyscheesecake · 29/12/2021 03:48

I think the real issue here is that you haven’t even met up with him yet. Meet up with him and see whether you’re compatible in real life first. If you think he’s lovely in all other respects then surely it’s worth finding out. People can come across very differently on the phone and over messages to how they are face to face. Meet up with him, have a few proper dates and find out how you feel about each other and then if you still think he’s lovely approach the subject of his ex with him and watch his body language. By then if he really likes you even if he was holding a candle for his ex if he thinks you both have a future together he might already have started to feel differently about his ex and become ready to move on with you. Or you might then still have red flags and then you can be upfront with him and end things. Either way you won’t know until you actually meet up. Good luck.

CelestiaNoctis · 29/12/2021 05:19

I still have photos of my ex and I've been with my partner over a decade 😂.

MorkandMandy · 29/12/2021 10:49

Yeah, photos are definitely a red-herring. Gut feelings are often on the nose. And tbh, if she split with him just 6 months ago and has already moved on I’d be amazed if he wasn’t feeling all the feelings. It’s almost less likely he is over her.

FluffyBooBoo · 29/12/2021 10:51

Really?

What if they had been together for 25 years, would you expect them to tell back to the beginning of social media and delete everything?

I think that's an odd thing to expect tbh.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/12/2021 01:33

Honestly op it's so early it isn't worth this. Even if he's fab, just cut your losses. You're worrying too much over a guy you've not even met.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 30/12/2021 02:36

@SleepingStandingUp

Honestly op it's so early it isn't worth this. Even if he's fab, just cut your losses. You're worrying too much over a guy you've not even met.
I’ve given up on it now. He is lovely but I just don’t feel right . I was excited to meet him and now I’m like meh. Plus he’s a crap texter which puts me off.!Just crap as ive been single so long
OP posts:
FuckeryIsAfoot · 30/12/2021 02:42

He has a child with this woman. She will always be a part of his life and you seem unable to deal with that. Why on earth should he delete a part of his past?

Also, you're really not using the ick correctly here.

Original poster
CharlotteRose90 · 30/12/2021 04:13

@FuckeryIsAfoot

He has a child with this woman. She will always be a part of his life and you seem unable to deal with that. Why on earth should he delete a part of his past?

Also, you're really not using the ick correctly here.

It doesn’t bother me that she will be in his life at all. My issue is that I don’t think he is over her from the way he speaks about her and posts etc.
OP posts:
Hesma · 30/12/2021 06:20

I haven’t deleted the pics with my ex, it never occurred to me to do that. You sound obsessive. Poor guy, he serves better

sansucre · 30/12/2021 06:46

If you go snooping, chances are you will find something that you don't like. I say this from experience. Now, I have no social media, don't snoop and am so much happier as a result.

Re. the ick. Once you have the ick, chances are it's not going to disappear, it's only going to get stronger. As you haven't yet met, there's no real investment on either of your sides so it is probably best you just walk away now.

invisiblereally · 30/12/2021 06:51

OP I wouldn't look at FB as reflective of real life. People present a lovely family life on SM but it's a snapshot without hearing all the arguing behind it.

You're wrong to go backwards in photos, but I understand your nervousness if he is still posting photos of his ex with soppy captions.
He could have posted those photos of his DD and ex for others though to manage his image or during an evening he was feeling sentimental about his DD and the mother of his Child. He may admire how good a mum she is. There may have been beer involved.

Is he posting "I miss my ex so much it hurts " type posts?

Or saying something like that?
That's the red flag if he does, but if it's just this is my family I'm not sure I'd worry about that.

You get a much better sense of someone in real life when you meet. I think you will regret it if you don't meet and then get a gut instinct.

Sometimes it takes a new relationship for someone to finally let go of the person before.

I think a man who stays friends with ex who is mother of his DC and respects her is far better & safer bet as a respectful equal partner to date, than a man who describes his ex as psycho. I run a mile when I hear someone say that.

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 06:54

It sounds like you're not ready for a relationship with a man who can co-parent.

Don't focus too heavily on peoples social media presence.

HintofVintagePink · 30/12/2021 07:17

I’d move on OP and look elsewhere.

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