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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be upset about a 9 week miscarriage 4.5 years later?

31 replies

aibusux2u · 29/12/2021 01:21

Lost our 9 week old baby in summer 2017. Still feel horribly sad after all this time. We are so lucky to already have healthy children but I still feel so sad about the what ifs. I saw that baby's heartbeat via ultrasound 3 times and I just assumed/ hoped all would be well. Is it silly to still feel sad? Will this never go away? I feel like a fraud as my baby was so tiny so why should I grieve so much, especially as I am blessed to have others, but...

OP posts:

ShaneTheThird · 29/12/2021 01:24

Of course your not unreasonable to feel that way! It's so normal and now miscarriage is slowly being destigmatized and even old ladies are admitting to their miscarriages and how they still think about them and how it affected them even though they couldn't say it at the time. I had a 12 week miscarriage 2 years ago and I think about it every day. I try not to dwell too much or I really upset myself.

WhiteJellycat · 29/12/2021 01:30

I feel exactly the same OP. I was ok ish at the time. I want that baby so much right now

Original poster

aibusux2u · 29/12/2021 01:32

@ShaneTheThird Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss.

OP posts:

SpringCrocus · 29/12/2021 01:34

I had one, 19 years ago. That baby would have been 18 this week (dd Christmas Day)
And, it still hurts like hell.

Hugs and , OP

Original poster

aibusux2u · 29/12/2021 01:34

And you too @WhiteJellycat. It's so hard to get past. X

OP posts:

girljulian · 29/12/2021 01:38

Of course you aren't! We had a chemical pregnancy in July, were pregnant for literally a day that we knew of and I had a huge meltdown on Boxing Day because it would've been five months. And that was nowhere near a nine week baby!

Glitterandunicorns · 29/12/2021 01:38

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the losses of the other posters here.

Of course YANBU. I've had two losses at about the same gestation as yours and I can't imagine there'll ever be a time when I don't feel sad about them and wonder what if.

Please don't feel that you aren't entitled to grieve for your loss. From the moment of seeing a second line on a test, you get excited for the future. No matter how many weeks' gestation you were at the time of your loss, it is terribly sad. It's wonderful that you have other children, but their presence in your life doesn't cancel out your loss.

I wish you peace, OP.

Cupcakeschocolate · 29/12/2021 02:50

Yanbu. I lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks. 5 years ago. And I conceived my daughter 2 months later. I have 4 children and I still grieve the loss. In reality though I wouldn't have my daughter now if the pregnancy had carried to term. Its hard and you are allowed to grieve

Marvellousmadness · 29/12/2021 02:59

This is why you compare up. Not down
Be thankful. very thankful for what you HAVE. Not for what youve lost
Plenty of us out there without kids. Or with miscarriage after miscarriage. Or with stillborn kids

Not saying your pain isnt valid. But relatively your miscarriage was really early on AND You then became the mum of 2 (more?) HEALTHY kids. So it might be time for counselling and put your grieving in place. And live life and be thankful x

KloppsTeeth · 29/12/2021 03:01

My first pregnancy ended; my baby would’ve been aged 26 now. I still grieve.

I am not a fan of Doctor Who, but I saw this quote and it stuck with me:

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.
Doctor Who

You are not alone.

PurpleMauve · 29/12/2021 03:02

We have 3 DC and still think about and grieve for the ones that didn’t make it. I expect that we always will. Early and late pregnancies.
💐

marplemead · 29/12/2021 03:41

It's not silly at all. I'm sorry for your loss

I've had 3 miscarriages over the last 6 years, but also have 2 children. There is no time limit on grief, and you can be both grateful for what you have and sad for what could have been. I think about my lost babies sometimes, wondering who they might have been, what they might have looked like etc. But neither of my children would have been possible without them, so I've accepted that the losses were meant to be.

Some people find it helps to do something/buy something in remembrance. My last loss was at 9 weeks and we scattered the ashes on the young cherry tree in the garden.

I think feeling guilty or silly about it won't help you process what happened to you. Allow yourself to feel how you feel, and it's never too late to talk to someone about it if that is what you need. My hospital offer a bereavement service, so there might be something similar at yours.

Borracha · 29/12/2021 04:02

I'm sorry you lost your baby.

I had a similar experience - I had seen the heartbeat on several scans after some early bleeding but went on to have a MMC at 11 weeks.

I've since had DS2 and DD1 for which I'm eternally grateful but the loss of what would have been DC2 still really affects me.

I read a quote somewhere which I find quite comforting - something along the lines of - the hole in your heart will never get smaller, and any subsequent children will never fill it, but the edges will soften, it will get a little less deep and love will bloom around it. I find that quite a comforting mental image.

Original poster

aibusux2u · 29/12/2021 12:09

Thank you everybody, for making me feel like perhaps I am not so weird after all! I'm sorry for all of your losses, and wish every one of you peace and comfort.

OP posts:

Oneforthemoneytwo · 29/12/2021 12:23

I had 5 losses and have 3 children. I grieved at the time as it was a loss of hope and what might be but honestly, I don’t give them a moments thought now.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 29/12/2021 12:28

I had a similar experience to you OP, and do still think about my loss. In my case the loss led to us trying again, and conceiving twins who are now here, cuddly and delightful babies... I have lots of complicated feelings about it all. You feel how you feel. It's valid and fine.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/12/2021 12:28

Of course you’re not.

slaybell · 29/12/2021 12:36

YANBU

I MC my first pregnancy after a long time TTC and the hurt and grief I still remember vividly. I went on to have three healthy children but I still remember that pain

WhiteJellycat · 29/12/2021 12:37

It's the thought of what might have been.

I dont think its ever too late for councilling. I dont think I processed it properly at the time and I didnt really tell anyone either. Neither helped to process it

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 29/12/2021 12:41

I often think of what life would have been like if my first baby had survived. Logically, I know my two younger DDs would then not exist as the people they are today, but I can see the three of them together. I have the mixed blessing of having a DN of practically the same age as what he/she would have been.

We are allowed to never forget xxxx

honeylulu · 29/12/2021 12:42

I may have understood your post wrongly but it reads as if you already had children and then didn't have more after your miscarriage. Sorry if I'm wrong.
I do think it's particularly hard not to dwell on a loss if you've not had another baby to heal the pain and distract you. (This isn't meant to marginalise the loss I must stress!)

I lost a baby in the second trimester and then had several miscarriages. Although I had an older child for several years the whole of my life was mired in the losses, particularly the first one. I felt completely destroyed by it and in some ways it got worse. I only turned a corner when I finally had our rainbow baby who is now 7.

I still think about my losses and feel sad. My second trimester baby has a grave that I visit sometimes. But it all seems quite far removed now, almost as if it happened to someone else (who I feel sad and sorry for).

But in answer to your question, it's very normal for the sadness to stay with you, because the loss had such an impact on you and became part of who you are now.

Sedai · 29/12/2021 12:45

I've had a stillbirth and a miscarriage and I'll never not think about them, but I think the miscarriage didn't hit me as hard as the stillbirth.
The most beautiful quote I heard- you're moving closer to them, not further away

Original poster

aibusux2u · 29/12/2021 13:04

@honeylulu
That's right. We didn't ever have another baby and I am too old now. That's why it feels like someone is missing as we already had our other children. They didn't come after the loss.

Thank you to all those who have posted and sorry to anyone still feeling pain.

OP posts:

Justcashnosweets · 29/12/2021 13:07

Not silly at all. I lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks 5 years ago and I still grieve for what I lost. Especially as it was a much wanted 2nd baby, and I have never been able to conceive again. I don't think you ever truly get over it to be honest.

Fallagain · 29/12/2021 13:18

Not at all.

Have you thought about specialist counselling not to get rid of the sadness but to help you deal with it.

I think a lot of it hinges in when does a baby become a baby, is it when you are trying to conceive, when you get a positive result, scan, birth? When did you start imagining your future. I’ve lost 3 babies, 2 early MC and a disappearing twin. My first MC and my lost twin are the ones that bother me the most. I’ve made my peace with it but there is the occasional what if and saddens at Christmas, baby loss awareness day and the surviving twin’s birthday.

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