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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single parent. Low mood. Family court. Failing DC?

49 replies

wombleflump · 28/12/2021 16:53

I don’t want to put too much outing details. I feel a bit low and stuck. I split up from what I regard abusive ex dp. He applied for a PSO to stop me
Moving away back to my family. Due to delays in family court I have been stuck where I am
Over a year. I have my job -WFH so that’s good. I just feel so fatigued all the time .I have no nearby family or friends. I do not trust ex dp. I have no one to help me. Maybe I should be grateful for the year of peace ( no contact with ex due to non mol) I feel like I am failing young DC as our
World is small but I am just waiting to move to start living and breathing again. I feel agitated a lot with the situation like I am being controlled and I want to just move but the court said I had to
Wait for the final hearing .

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 28/12/2021 16:54

When is the final hearing?

Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 16:55

Also my age I am not young and so don’t have the same optimising or opportunities of the young.

OP posts:
Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 16:55

March 2022

OP posts:
Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 17:00

I feel angry as well as I had a house I wanted to apply for. School places to apply for. I have had to spend a whole
Year in expensive rent paying everything ( I don’t want get child support) I feel like if the family court really put children’s interests first how can they justify these ridiculous delays. It’s ruining everything I have worked my whole life for and making me quite down.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 28/12/2021 19:02

I'm not surprised you feel down and fatigued.
But you're not failing your DC. You don't say what age he is but all of us have been in small worlds for the last couple of years. And his world has been made smaller by your ex, not by you.
Try to think of getting through each day, one day at a time. Try to do something special with your DC each day, even if it's only something small like playing with them with their favourite toy, or taking them down to the park.

Are you prepared for the court hearing. Do you have support? Legal aid should have been available if ex was abusive.

Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 19:51

Thanks I do try to go out. We are stuck in a flat and you have to drive everywhere which makes thinks harder I do take them out every day but have failed a bit over the holidays. I don’t qualify for legal aid due to income even though my outgoings are huge due to being trapped in outer London by ex’s court application.

OP posts:
Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 19:55

Also it sounds dramatic but I was never married and yet still i feel like my liberty and human rights are curtailed. I hat feeling like I can’t make the decisions and choices in the best interests of dc due to the lack of family court funding

OP posts:
lonelydad2021 · 28/12/2021 20:19

What about the rights of your child and your ex? Do you think is right to remove a child from his father just because you want to move?

Ovenaffray · 28/12/2021 20:20

Why aren’t you claiming maintenance?

Funnylittlefloozie · 28/12/2021 20:23

Why aren't you applying for child support? What sort of pathetic deadbeat man doesn't support his children?

I guess you just have to focus on the hearing- it is only a few more weeks. Does a PSO prevent you from moving ANYWHERE, or anywhere outside a specific radius of your current home? Does your ex have regular contact with the children, pay for their shoes / clothes/ activities etc?

DroopyClematis · 28/12/2021 20:30

It does depend on how far you want to move away to.
Your relationship with your ex aside, he does have rights as well.

FAQs · 28/12/2021 20:36

You should apply for child support, even if you put it away for when your child is older.

Hapoydayz · 28/12/2021 20:41

Sounds rubbish and it sounds like you are doing a great job. If and when you do move it's not like he can't be the one to motivate and see his child. If he wants a relationship with his child then an hour or so in the car shouldn't be an issue. Amazingly he is free to move tomorrow to anywhere in the world he chooses to so I can imagine how trapped you feel.

Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 20:58

He’s abusive. It’s a long story. He doesn’t want to stay in London. We previously agreed to move before we split up. He is as stranger from previous dc. Why should I live where he wants. He could move also if he wanted to. He’s give up work

OP posts:
Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 20:59

Given up

OP posts:
Sowhatifiam · 28/12/2021 21:00

What about the rights of your child and your ex? Do you think is right to remove a child from his father just because you want to move?

He is an abusive ex. Why is he more important than the OP’s ability to get on with her life, support their children (because he isn’t), and have people around her who support her in achieving this?

The family courts are slow, OP. I went through it some 15 years ago and it took a year to finally be able to move. You’re not failing, everyone’s life has been on hold over the last couple of years. Hang on in there. You are nearly there.

Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 21:11

I’m not claiming maintenance. I’ve not been talking to him for over a year due to the injunction. . I don’t know how much he earns. He has given up work last
Month. He doesn’t pay anything and expects me to do everything. I earn enough to support the children, I would do better without the court case and if I could move it’s cost me tens thousands
In rent. I was hoping his lack of support would
Help illustrate how uncommitted to the children he is . I may be wrong about this.

OP posts:
lonelydad2021 · 28/12/2021 21:12

@Sowhatifiam

What about the rights of your child and your ex? Do you think is right to remove a child from his father just because you want to move?

He is an abusive ex. Why is he more important than the OP’s ability to get on with her life, support their children (because he isn’t), and have people around her who support her in achieving this?

The family courts are slow, OP. I went through it some 15 years ago and it took a year to finally be able to move. You’re not failing, everyone’s life has been on hold over the last couple of years. Hang on in there. You are nearly there.

He is not more important. They are both equally important for the child. If he has being abusive, she can get legal aid. Let the court decide. What if it were the other way around? Would she be happy for the father to move wherever he wanted and remove her from the child's life. If he is not paying child maintenance, open a case with CMS. It is very easy. It cost 20 pounds.
RandomMess · 28/12/2021 21:12

Does he see the DC?

Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 21:13

I’m worried that the law has changed previously you couldn’t stop the RP living where they went in the uk without exceptional reason now the law
On this seems more subjective. Even solicitors seem unsure of the outcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 21:15

He hasn’t been allowed contact for over a year due to the court case and safeguarding issues

OP posts:
lonelydad2021 · 28/12/2021 21:20

Child maintenance and contact are completely independent. It won't give you any advantage in court if he is not paying. You don't need to know anything about his job or salary to get child maintenance. Open a case with CMS, they have access to HMRC on real time. They will calculate a payment plan and will collect directly from his employer if he doesn't pay. You can use the money to help with the rent while the case progresses.

RandomMess · 28/12/2021 21:25

You can ask the you relocate to your family for support and you are prepared to facilitate contact if it's ever approved by travelling up to an hour towards him for fortnightly contact.

Show willingness to facilitate contact, demonstrate the benefit to your DC for relocating to be near extended family:

Building family relations
Securing a non-rented home to give them security
Assistance with childcare so you can improve income and their lifestyle such as affording extra curricular items to their benefit.
Better schooling

Etc

It's all about building a case as to what is in the DC best interests.

Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 21:27

He was self employed but has give up work. I was
Hoping if I didn’t claim maintenance he may be more likely to disappear! I know I may be wrong
But I was thinking the court will see him less
Favourably if he is not supporting the children

OP posts:
Original poster
wombleflump · 28/12/2021 21:29

Yes I’ve built the case to my circumstances. I am not really facilitating contact though because I think it’s not safe and it’s quite far so easier to travel on public transport ( him not DC)

OP posts: