Single parent. Low mood. Family court. Failing DC?

[wombleflump]

I don’t want to put too much outing details. I feel a bit low and stuck. I split up from what I regard abusive ex dp. He applied for a PSO to stop me
Moving away back to my family. Due to delays in family court I have been stuck where I am
Over a year. I have my job -WFH so that’s good. I just feel so fatigued all the time .I have no nearby family or friends. I do not trust ex dp. I have no one to help me. Maybe I should be grateful for the year of peace ( no contact with ex due to non mol) I feel like I am failing young DC as our
World is small but I am just waiting to move to start living and breathing again. I feel agitated a lot with the situation like I am being controlled and I want to just move but the court said I had to
Wait for the final hearing .

After all as he has give up work he could move.
There if he wanted to.

It doesn't work like that. The court will encourage contact with both biological parents unless there are safeguarding concerns.

There are safeguarding concerns. He’s not any contact for over a year due to this

In that case, open a case with the child maintenance payment. You have nothing to gain not doing it. He may be working and pretending he is not. CMS will find out.

I might do CMS after the final hearing depending on the outcome. I’d rather he disappeared than gave me a couple of hundred a month and a life time of court cases and controll. The court case and rent far outstrips any amount the CMS will give me as he has semi retired

What about your child? Don't you think he/she deservers a relationship with his/her father? Was he abusive to him/her?

Yes he hit them. Shouts at them. He is estranged from previous dc due to abusive contact so
I don’t want our dc emotionally abused also. I know this is not the position of the courts necessary who seem to have a
Low expectation of what is acceptable parenting

It is not like that. If there are safeguarding concerns, the court will only allow supervised contact first. Depending on the reports from the supervisor, they will move to other type of contact like supported or independent. Courts are very strict and are only concerned with what is in the best interest of the child (in my experience). Parents have no automatic rights of visitation (rightly so) as the safety of the child is paramount.

Sounds horrendous op. I imagine you feel like a prisoner. He doesn't see or contribute to the dc but you can't move on or move away. How come if there were safeguarding concerns you still weren't allowed to move away?

I lived away from my family for years (thankfully we moved back as a family recently) so I understand how you must feel. It's heartbreaking. Is there any way you can get the hearing moved forward? Have cafcass been involved?

If he is not paying child maintenance, open a case with CMS. It is very easy. It cost 20 pounds

Lol. I’ve been waiting for nearly 15 years for the CSA/CMS to get any money out of my ex.

Courts are very strict and are only concerned with what is in the best interest of the child

There are plenty who would disagree this is the case. What the OP needs is to be able to get on with her life, supported, with family around her, and to be able to support her child. Not to be in limbo for months, if not years, at the mercy of someone with deep pockets who undoubtedly shamelessly lies.

I tried to move the date forward it was cancelled and moved to March. I’m really hoping
I get to move in March. It’s really rubbish. I never married my ex and I didn’t realise he could control my life through the courts and DC.

@Sowhatifiam

If he is not paying child maintenance, open a case with CMS. It is very easy. It cost 20 pounds

Lol. I’ve been waiting for nearly 15 years for the CSA/CMS to get any money out of my ex.

Courts are very strict and are only concerned with what is in the best interest of the child

There are plenty who would disagree this is the case. What the OP needs is to be able to get on with her life, supported, with family around her, and to be able to support her child. Not to be in limbo for months, if not years, at the mercy of someone with deep pockets who undoubtedly shamelessly lies.

You are assuming he has deep pockets and he lies. How do you know? Because he is a man? Maybe he is really interested in being in his child's life this time. People change. What OP needs is to try to see both point of view and realistic expectations of the court process. Men have rights too. I am bewildered how easy is for someone to decide to remove a parent. The child will grow up and resent it. If he has being abusive with OP and children, he has a slim chance to win in court.

My friends ex tried to stop her moving - this was at the start of 2020. Took her to court. No abuse. Judge allowed her to move.

Her ex had previously moved back to his hometown, 100 miles away, when their daughter was 1. But when she wanted to move 100 miles back to her home town (making it around 160 miles between them), all Hell broke loose.

As you have a non-mol, I don’t think you’ll have an issue.

Sols are always reluctant to say for certain.

I would still move if I was you. I would move near my family. No court us goingvyonorder you to move back. Make your plans and get things in motion. Once there is a cao you can make arrangements for handovers if there are going to be any. Carry on with your life. Look up what happens if you brach orders. A LOT of the time they're not worth the paper they're written on.

You are assuming he has deep pockets and he lies. How do you know? Because he is a man? Maybe he is really interested in being in his child's life this time

Lies are a major part of the abuser’s arsenal. It’s hard to imagine the OP would need a non-mol order if he really wanted to be in his child’s life. He could exercise some restraint and focus on his child, not on abusing his child’s mother..

Men have rights too

Neither parent has rights, only responsibilities. It is children who have rights.

I am bewildered how easy is for someone to decide to remove a parent

Then maybe not abuse a partner/ex-partner? Maybe not hit your children? Maybe not have an independent body issue a non-mol order? Maybe accept that life moves on and that a move is not the end of your relationship with your child? That if you are going to be excluded legally from being near the mother of your children, she may struggle to parent alone 100% of the time? That we all need support?

@Sowhatifiam

You are assuming he has deep pockets and he lies. How do you know? Because he is a man? Maybe he is really interested in being in his child's life this time

Lies are a major part of the abuser’s arsenal. It’s hard to imagine the OP would need a non-mol order if he really wanted to be in his child’s life. He could exercise some restraint and focus on his child, not on abusing his child’s mother..

Men have rights too

Neither parent has rights, only responsibilities. It is children who have rights.

I am bewildered how easy is for someone to decide to remove a parent

Then maybe not abuse a partner/ex-partner? Maybe not hit your children? Maybe not have an independent body issue a non-mol order? Maybe accept that life moves on and that a move is not the end of your relationship with your child? That if you are going to be excluded legally from being near the mother of your children, she may struggle to parent alone 100% of the time? That we all need support?

You don't know that he lies. OP didn't say he lied. You are extrapolating your own experience. Men have rights. Men have rights to use the courts. He did. The court agreed to listen him. Now they have a hearing. The judge will decide what is best for the child. As you said, the court is not interested in the parents wellbeing. Only the children. I cannot imagine any judge will deny the request given the circumstances. Agreed not to abuse partner/children but all the considerations that you mention are irrelevant. OP doesn't have the right to remove the children without a court order. She just has to follow the rules.

And what rules are they, exactly? To have to stay where she has no support, an abusive ex, and a high rent and no maintenance? How does any of that help the children in question? How is any of that in their best interests? Sure, they can see their abusive dad regularly but what else? The OP will, more than likely, get her court order. Then what? She is thousands of pounds poorer, the ex is even angrier and the children are stuck in the middle. Lose-lose.

Men have rights? OK. Show me where the Law says men have rights over their children and their children’s mothers.

You are not failing your DC, your DC's poor excuse of a father is. He is using the system to try and control you. I am so sorry you're going through that.

He is the one that raised his hand, he is the one who has a NMO against him, he is the one making life difficult right now.

If he had any decency or he would drop the court case, allow you to move and then ask for visitation via a contact centre. But he won't do that as he'd have to get off his arse.

You will get through this, you will be near family again, there will be a time when you don't have to think about him at all.

I just don't understand men who bang on about fathers rights, what rights? You have responsibilities regarding any children you have, including financial responsibility. The only person who has any claim of rights is the kid/s they have the right to be safe, loved, and not put in situations where they're alone with their abuser. The amount of posts I see on Facebook with abusive language towards their ex calling her every name under the sun, then claiming the courts won't grant custody or visitation "bEcaUsE wOmEn abuse ThE sYSteM* is just astounding, it's like they don't know or care how the system works. It's kinda amazing how 1 in 3 women will experience domestic violence, however all the men I encounter are dad of the year.

Thanks for the support. As I said it’s not even like I am moving away really in the sense that I never agreed to stay in London and ex doesn’t want to stay either just wants to dictate where We live. I don’t want to be isolated just with him. As for moving away in any case. I really wish I had done this but I took the advise of solicitor who told me to do the process. It’s difficult now as am in the process. Judges just don’t seem to care about how long it takes or the financial implications. It is tempting to just move though but I wonder what would
Happen in my circumstances. To be honest if he wasn’t abusive I don’t think he would be using the courts in this way. He wants me to provide everything for the kids but wants to dictate where I live so he can come and visit when he wants at weekends.

I just don't understand men who bang on about fathers rights, what rights? You have responsibilities regarding any children you have, including financial responsibility. The only person who has any claim of rights is the kid/s they have the right to be safe, loved, and not put in situations where they're alone with their abuser.

That has to be determined by a court.

I don't understand women that praise the courts when it is convenient to them and then feel betrayed when men use the courts.

The true is we only know one side of the story. If OP's ex has done what she said, he will have a hard time in court.

If that were not case, what would stop someone making false allegations to obtain what he/she wants.

I don't like my ex so tomorrow I will accuse her of heinous crimes and take my child away from her. In your view, she shouldn't be listened in court? Or the fact that I am a man changes your opinion. How do you protect the child if you don't investigate who is telling the true?

Family courts work on the balance of probabilities so you don't need hard proof. The judge will listen and determine what probably happened.

@lonelydad2021

What about the rights of your child and your ex? Do you think is right to remove a child from his father just because you want to move?

How much will you ignore in order to defend dad's?

Abuse?
Non payment of child support?

What will be enough bad male behaviour for you to consider a woman's rights to be safe, to afford a reasonable standard of living and family support as in any way important to the children?

Also if the courts are too underfunded and they don’t have enough resources how long can they expect people to wait. Often they seem like they haven’t even looked at the paperwork. It’s a process, but if it takes too long, it is detrimental and harmful to the children’s welfare and not fit for purpose IMO.

@wombleflump

Also if the courts are too underfunded and they don’t have enough resources how long can they expect people to wait. Often they seem like they haven’t even looked at the paperwork. It’s a process, but if it takes too long, it is detrimental and harmful to the children’s welfare and not fit for purpose IMO.

I agree but it works in both ways. I am fighting to see my child but my ex keeps using the system to delay access. I accept the court has to investigate all her lies as the safeguarding of the child is the most important. It has been a year now. She said I am alcoholic, I took a alcohol hair test, she said I am mentally unstable I presented letter from GP. Now she says I am stranger to my son as I.haven't seen him.for a year. The court investigates every single allegation and takes months between hearings. She doesn't present any proof. I have to believe at the end the true will prevail as I have no other way. My advice will be to follow the solicitors advice. And have patience.

I am not defending anyone. I think it is despicable to hit a woman or a child or not pay support. I am just saying that the two sides have to be listened by an impartial judge to determined what is the true. Do you know there is bad female behaviour too? There are horrible women that use their children as weapons and use the system to punish their exes?