To want someone to tell me how to stop being an irritable pain in the arse

[bitemyheadoff]

I really need help here because DH has been telling me for years I have to stop doing this but I haven't and now he says he's had enough.

I have a huge character flaw which is I that I am very impatient and prone to snapping when I am stressed, or tired, or hungry, or feeling guilty, or trying to do something and get interrupted, or anything at all really. So, quite often. I have a very sharp tongue and I know my tone is bad when I speak to him like that and I hate that I'm like this but it just happens before I'm aware of it. I feel like I can't change it, because it's just a crappy part of my personality. When he pulls me up on it I do make an effort and then things slip as soon as I feel annoyed with him.

I'm just going to summarise the situation as succinctly as I can for context.

I am an overachieving daughter of a perfectionist mother and I'm aware that some of the problem is linked to my own upbringing - in which we were shouted at often for things and there was a lot of stress in general - and I get very impatient and irritable quite easily (at home that is. At work I am known for being very calm, ironically, though work is stressful).

We have a nearly 2yo DD and I've just been made redundant. Money is ok but DH is freelance so even though we've always split things equally I did rely on my job to bring the stable income. I loved my job and I have no idea what I'll do next.
For the past 2 years my MIL has been deteriorating, with crises and periodic hospital stays. She lives in another country so this is very hard on my husband and we've been there as much as we can pandemic and work allowing. I really hate it there but I go for long stays to support my husband. He has been grieving during all of this and I would say became quite depressed last year. I found it very hard to manage as I felt I was keeping everything afloat. He hardly earned any money and I felt I had to keep everything going for DD.

A few other bad things happened but those are the main things. However my snapping predates all this stuff. It's often when he gets in my personal space or asks me something for the 3rd time when I'm trying to concentrate on something. I am often the one to organise everything (bills, DIY, garden, etc.) but he does do a lot at home including all the cooking and is generally very proactive. He is really a kind and loving person and a wonderful dad to DD.

I wish I could learn to be less irritable and snappy. Has anyone had this experience and been able to overcome it? AIBU for just wanting someone to tell me how the hell to change my personality? For what it's worth I am never snappy with DD or anyone else really, only DH.

I massively sympathise - because apart from the having children, etc details, the rest is absolutely me.

All I can offer is sympathy, too - I'm now 63 and still irritable and snappy!

Are you willing to try some kind of therapy? I’m coming from the other side of this in that my DH is short and snappy and tbh it’s at the stage where it’s the main bone of contention in our marriage. It just feels so unnecessary and personal. He’s been seeing someone for the last 3-4 months and it does seem to be helping. It doesn’t help that DH is a very large, deep voiced man and despite being mostly gentle in personality, when he snaps it can be intimidating. He just has no idea how he comes across to people and that’s a big part of the problem. That you’ve recognised you have a problem is good, we reached breaking point where I told him if he didn’t get help I was leaving. We have a 2 yo too so I sympathise with how much work and stress that can be. But I guarantee you, she’ll be picking up in your temperament. If you’re only snappy with your DH then he must feel like it’s aimed at him. If you can control it around other people why can’t you control it at home?

@VickyEadieofThigh thank you, it helps to know I'm not the only one. But when I'm your age he will have left me if I haven't changed :(

@YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie fantastic username. Yes. he wants me to get therapy but I've been sceptical that it would work. It's very useful to know that it helped your husband, and I do relate to not understanding how it comes across - often he gets upset and I haven't even realised I've snapped. I think I can't control it with DH because in so many ways we feel like one person, I think I get cross when he can't read my mind, as ridiculous as that sounds.

I second therapy and I would also suggest you start each day by framing a positive so that rather than saying you are not going to be snappy, say you are going to be patient. I am a snapper and I find that making myself pause for a moment is all that it takes to stop the snap. Good luck - you have a heavy load

Brene Brown is brilliant for these sorts of big feelings. The science behind how we become snappy and fearful, and how to create daily practice to improve mood and gratitude.

I like her audiobook "the power of vulnerability" the most.

It sounds like he needs to have a look at himself too. You say you're only snappy with him - but he gets into your personal space, asks you 3 times about something you've already told him about, have supported him with your MIL this last year and seems like you've earned most of the money to support the family.

I'd be knackered and cranky with all that.

I’m snappy. DH sulks when I snap. I always apologise but I also say I’m entitled to my feelings and if I’m generally grumpy or tired or stressed then I’m going to be short with him when he irritates me.

Case in point; I was cooking earlier and had taken stuff out of the oven which would be going straight back in, he came into the kitchen while the stuff was out and TURNED THE OVEN OFF. I barked at him that I was still using it, he has done this to me before (turned the hob of while I drained the pasta that was going back on). He then sulked for about twenty minutes because I’d ‘had a go at him’.

You are entitled to your feelings. If he’s annoying you then snapping at him might not be the most gentle way of getting him to stop, but it is effective.

Yes. he wants me to get therapy but I've been sceptical that it would work.

I think most people feel like that about therapy before they try it.

I think you need to try it soon though because no way would I live with someone who snaps at me, yet manages to be perfectly pleasant at work and with other people.

Also, if your reasoning is I think I can't control it with DH because in so many ways we feel like one person, I think I get cross when he can't read my mind, as ridiculous as that sounds.

You'll probably end up doing the same to your child as she gets older.

Not saying it’s the solution to you but I started taking anti depressants last year following a spell of pronounced depression and I realised my snappiness (which predates the depression) stopped almost completely. I can tell if I’ve missed a couple of doses as I immediately get snappy again.

I would also recommend speaking to a good therapist that you feel you can trust.

It is easy for me to say, but please be kind to yourself as you try to find a new way forward... the point is that you are self-aware enough to recognise that there is an issue and you love your DH and want to change. In my experience being self-aware can sometimes lead to beating yourself up, and putting more pressure on yourself when you've already got a lot on your plate (each of the things you've mentioned, little DD, being made redundant, freelance DH, poorly MIL etc can all be huge pressure points) isn't what you need.

I wish you luck.

Antidepressants?

Firstly, I’d like to declare an interest, in that I too am snappy and take after my stressy and perfectionist mum. So, I’m not here to give you magic answers.

BUT, I also think there are some things I noticed in your post that made me think.

Firstly, you are carrying a LOT. Are you at the end of your tether generally? Do you ever get time to recharge and be alone and prioritise yourself. Something that I find really important is mental privacy, or that’s the best way to explain it. I need to be Left Alone With My Thoughts especially when I am spinning lots of plates. I need space and peace and quiet to spin them.

Secondly, can you ask him not to bother you when you are already immersed in a task? Can he “read the room” or do you need to be very explicit, i.e. when I am hungry and cooking dinner, please don’t bring me any questions or problems. Wait until I’ve eaten and we have tidied away the plates. It seems like a strange rule, maybe, but it might prevent the hurt that is caused by his terrible timing.

Finally, I don’t know whether this is your situation or just me, but is your DP also from a different country? Mine is. This means that he has lots of questions. Who is Mark Lamarr? Was this song a one hit wonder? How are taxes calculated? What happens when a train is cancelled and no bus has been scheduled to replace it? What is piccalilli? It’s endless. It’s not his fault, but it can feel a bit like parenting a curious three year old at times. I try to be super patient with this because he can’t know the answers to these things (although I often say “you can Google that one!”), and if I were in his place, living in a foreign country, my questions would be even more frequent and annoying I am certain.

I’ve no tip for the last one except to say, solidarity sister. It’s hard for both of you.

it sounds to me like you have a fair bit to be snappy about. I wouldn't be so quick to blame myself. What is he doing to help you?

I have been a shouty parent. Extreme stress to ptsd level. ED to the point of anorexia level. Whenever I feel stressed now (those days are long past thank goodness) I remind myself that dc don't like a shouty dm-older ds told me he was a bit scared of me at one stage.. Take a deep breath and make a cuppa. Take 10 mins for yourself.. That short window gives me time to pull myself together..

You’re snappy with him because he’s draining you of your last bits of energy! Sounds like you’re meant to carry your load and his as well. If he’s become the child in the relationship and you’re always the adult, you’re bound to find him irritating and snap. So - what’s he going to do to change?

If you’re only snappy with DH it’s unlikely to be your personality generally that’s the issue here, it’s something specific to that relationship. It could be that DH knows just how to press your buttons or that he’s just thoughtless about that sort of thing, or it could be that if you’re honest with yourself your relationship with him and feelings about him are under strain (might not be surprising after the events you’ve outlined). It could of course simply be that you feel he is the only “safe” person that you can snap at without fear of repercussions if you know what I mean and that it’s nothing really to do with him or that relationship in particular but that this is where you can let out your true feelings. Taking that further, if you’re insecure deep down somewhere or feel like you somehow don’t deserve to have a loving partner etc, you might even be unwittingly “shit-testing” him to see if he still wants to be with you even when you’re snappy and awful to him.

I’m a GP and I remember once having a patient who even I as her GP found snappy and irritable and so so difficult to deal with. She was furious with nearly everyone in her life, but didn’t seem to be able to see that she was the common denominator in all these different sorts of relationships going wrong - her fiancé, her sister, her mum, her friends etc. She did not recognise herself as depressed but I did. It took a long time to persuade her to start antidepressants but she was a totally different person on them, no longer snarling and snappy and irritable and able to look back on what had happened with her relationships previously and realise that in many cases she had been the one who was unreasonable but hadn’t been able to see it at the time. So I would think very carefully about whether you might be depressed. Perimenopause might also be worth thinking about, hormones definitely cause snappiness too.

• check for PMS (keep incident diary)

• Have a daily meeting with your DH where you go through both your responsibilities so you are acting like a team.

• Practice simple stuff like the 10 slow breaths when you feel yourself boiling over. But equally get your DH to promise that if you make a "hold it right there" signal, he immediately stops talking and walks into another room. If he starts yammering "oh am I being annoying" at this point it is clearly unhelpful ....

• at the daily meeting discuss IN A COOPERATIVE MANNER and without blame, how to avoid any boilover points that occured that day.

I used to have a terrible 0-60 temper at home. PMS and hangry and taking on too much (this last is CLEARLY a factor you poor things). But my OH was lovely and if I went postal he would sit me down and feed me tea and biscuits and take over what I'd been doing, and let me have a son on the sofa instead.

*sob not son

Become a master at passive aggression?

Seriously, some boundaries might take the heat off you. Establish some real personal space. Maybe a rule or two. Like if you shut the door on the kitchen/ bedroom /office it's because you are in the middle of getting dressed/ opening the oven/ concentrating on counting for exercises/taking a call so you don't want anyone barging in. So people should knock or at least enter with caution! (Especially if trying to fasten a new back fastening sports bra!)

I was like this and honestly, what cured it was a course of anti depressants. They just created that breathing space between the thought and the snappy comment. They gave me space to think: Grr I think thiat buit IO am also hungry - I'll eat something and see if I still need to say it later. Etc.

It's often when he gets in my personal space or asks me something for the 3rd time when I'm trying to concentrate on something. I am often the one to organise everything (bills, DIY, garden, etc.)

1. Can you set up a secluded desk space for your home admin work? So you can retreat there and concentrate properly, without casual interruption. Then when you're in shared social space, you're open and responsive.

2. Could your DH take on more of the admin and organisation? It's easy to underestimate how much there is. Doing practical stuff is great but not the same.

For all those who took antidepressants, is the problem solved only while being on them, or were you able to come off the meds a changed person, cycle broken? Genuinely curious question.

@lottiegarbanzo

It's often when he gets in my personal space or asks me something for the 3rd time when I'm trying to concentrate on something. I am often the one to organise everything (bills, DIY, garden, etc.)

1. Can you set up a secluded desk space for your home admin work? So you can retreat there and concentrate properly, without casual interruption. Then when you're in shared social space, you're open and responsive.

2. Could your DH take on more of the admin and organisation? It's easy to underestimate how much there is. Doing practical stuff is great but not the same.

Para 2) - is correct. Practical is great - but it's over once it's done - with admin stuff it's ongoing and exhausting at times.

It’s not your personality because you don’t do it at work or to dd.
It’s either your dh pushing your buttons / being annoying or you having a poor attitude to him specifically. I think that therapy/ counselling would be an ideal way to find out which of these it is.

Thank you for all these helpful responses. I am worried that going on antidepressants would mean I would be stuck on them forever - surely there is a better way then medication? I have the same question as @blinder

In terms of actual, physical, space, this would be great but is very difficult because we live in a tiny apartment and we both work from home.