To want someone to tell me how to stop being an irritable pain in the arse

[bitemyheadoff]

I really need help here because DH has been telling me for years I have to stop doing this but I haven't and now he says he's had enough.

I have a huge character flaw which is I that I am very impatient and prone to snapping when I am stressed, or tired, or hungry, or feeling guilty, or trying to do something and get interrupted, or anything at all really. So, quite often. I have a very sharp tongue and I know my tone is bad when I speak to him like that and I hate that I'm like this but it just happens before I'm aware of it. I feel like I can't change it, because it's just a crappy part of my personality. When he pulls me up on it I do make an effort and then things slip as soon as I feel annoyed with him.

I'm just going to summarise the situation as succinctly as I can for context.

I am an overachieving daughter of a perfectionist mother and I'm aware that some of the problem is linked to my own upbringing - in which we were shouted at often for things and there was a lot of stress in general - and I get very impatient and irritable quite easily (at home that is. At work I am known for being very calm, ironically, though work is stressful).

We have a nearly 2yo DD and I've just been made redundant. Money is ok but DH is freelance so even though we've always split things equally I did rely on my job to bring the stable income. I loved my job and I have no idea what I'll do next.
For the past 2 years my MIL has been deteriorating, with crises and periodic hospital stays. She lives in another country so this is very hard on my husband and we've been there as much as we can pandemic and work allowing. I really hate it there but I go for long stays to support my husband. He has been grieving during all of this and I would say became quite depressed last year. I found it very hard to manage as I felt I was keeping everything afloat. He hardly earned any money and I felt I had to keep everything going for DD.

A few other bad things happened but those are the main things. However my snapping predates all this stuff. It's often when he gets in my personal space or asks me something for the 3rd time when I'm trying to concentrate on something. I am often the one to organise everything (bills, DIY, garden, etc.) but he does do a lot at home including all the cooking and is generally very proactive. He is really a kind and loving person and a wonderful dad to DD.

I wish I could learn to be less irritable and snappy. Has anyone had this experience and been able to overcome it? AIBU for just wanting someone to tell me how the hell to change my personality? For what it's worth I am never snappy with DD or anyone else really, only DH.

@blinder

For all those who took antidepressants, is the problem solved only while being on them, or were you able to come off the meds a changed person, cycle broken? Genuinely curious question.

For me it totally and permanently broke the cycle of me having a short fuse. I have one of the longest fuses of anyone I know now.

I think there is some good advice here, but wanted to add a couple of things.

Put strategies in place to stop feeling that way. Sounds like you get hangry, so make sure you have something available to top up the blood sugar before you snap. Or look at meal times / contents. When my sister was little my parents realised her behaviour deteriorated in the early evening because she was hungry. So they moved tea earlier. Stopped the problem.

Similarly my ex can't cope with 'help' in the kitchen so I didn't, even though I am the opposite.

Work out your triggers. Asking you something three times sounds like one to me. What's going on there? Is it a bad time to ask? Are you telling him that it's a bad time after one ask? Is that he ignoring that - or are you not communicating the 'not now' message? Or are you giving half answers and frustrating him? Or have you decided he asks silly questions and so are already half irritated before he even opens his mouth. We are human and we bring our baggage to these interactions. I'm totally guilty.

My snappiness/irritability is all very deep life long anxiety.

It's been a revelation to realise my normal day to day state is being in a constant state of anxiety.

That’s interesting and encouraging @hivemindneeded - thank you for replying.

OP, When I snapped a lot I remember reading some advice that said - there is a split second before you snap - find it and breathe and just catch yourself. I knew when I read that, that I had no split second, The snapping was out of my mouth before I knew it had happened. That was when I realised I needed medication. But if you go on it for a few months and then come off it very very gradually (way more slowly than GPs recommend) you could well find that the explosive reactions have just gone for good, as I did.

But if you do have that split second inside you, you might not need ADs. I have it now. DH can wind me up and I will be able to stop myself before I react. It's there now, when it wasn't before (and is far less frequent anyway.)

It sounds a bit woo-woo but I started using the headspace meditation app a couple of years ago and it has really helped with my patience and my general mood. I only do 10 minutes of meditation most days but when I fall out of the habit my DH notices after a couple of weeks. Some days it's easier than other but even on the days when my mind is whirring away being forced to stop for 10 minutes helps.

To be fair it does sound like you have a lot to be stressed, irritable and snap about!
I am probably also snappy, but in my mind I’m just ‘being clear’ and getting straight to the point.
In contrast DH has a habit of hinting and not outright expressing what he means, which I find annoying, however I accept I can appear blunt and try to use the old trick of counting to 10 before I respond, by which time some of the snappiness has disappeared from my response.

Do you know I've been feeling a bit stressed just having this thread at the back of my mind. It's the working and living on top of each other and being interrupted all the time. I would not be able to function in those circumstances and would quickly move beyond snappy, into dysfunctional.

Why is he interrupting you all the time? Can't he see that you're concentrating? Does he give any thought to other people's situations, or is he a 'voice his own thoughts out loud' without consideration for where those thoughts are landing, type? Is there no 'dedicated conversation time' at dinner etc, for which he knows he can save questions etc?

Could you ever go and work, or do your household admin, in a public library or a cafe?

I strongly suspect that what you might both see as 'a few little admin tasks' that you're 'just squeezing in' before or after doing something else, is actually half or one day's work a week, if you included everything and timed it.

So you're possibly both but especially he, is living under an illusion that you expand tiny incidental tasks into antisocially large amounts of time. But, if handed the same full set of tasks, he would be overwhelmed and want to employ a PA to do them.

At one time, if in a rage I was very good at hurling things - (anything to hand - cushions, books etc).
These days, I have found that if I feel myself “losing it” I can control the situation. I say in a loud determined tone “I have got to the hurling stage!” The mere fact of hearing me saying this out loud to myself is so ridiculous that the feeling of rage is gone and I am actually laughing.

[quote bitemyheadoff]@VickyEadieofThigh thank you, it helps to know I'm not the only one. But when I'm your age he will have left me if I haven't changed :(

@YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie fantastic username. Yes. he wants me to get therapy but I've been sceptical that it would work. It's very useful to know that it helped your husband, and I do relate to not understanding how it comes across - often he gets upset and I haven't even realised I've snapped. I think I can't control it with DH because in so many ways we feel like one person, I think I get cross when he can't read my mind, as ridiculous as that sounds.[/quote]
Just want to point out that even if you are sceptical that something suggested would help.... maybe you should be open to actually trying these things if you really want to change?

If I went to my husband with a repeat issue like yours and I suggested ways he could help himself and he replied "well... I don't know.... it probably won't help" I'd be having a serious think about how much he actually cared about me, the fact his behaviour was negatively impacting me and possibly could be seen as mildly abusive and his lack of want and effort to change.

I'd be considering whether staying much longer was a pointless endeavour.

Get proactive or lose your husband I think. Good luck.

@TheGrinchsDog yes this is true. I have booked the therapy to start from jan after seeing so many responses suggesting that here. I think I avoided it earlier because I couldn't handle the thought of something else on my plate, especially something emotionally heavy like therapy (my job involves dealing with tragic events fairly frequently).

@lottiegarbanzo I do agree and it is definitely worse when things are especially stressful and there are lockdowns etc. However DH rightfully points out that this predates children and tiny apartment. You are right about the admin though. The things involved are heavy, long term bureaucratic things that send him into a tailspin immediately. I've tried to just leave it to him but he gets very stressed out and I have to talk him through it all anyway.

I don't allow DP to snap at me over minor irritations. I refuse to answer him unless he speaks to me with respect.

My mum snaps continually and it makes her difficult to be with. If you only do it with one person then you can control it. You've every right to express yourself when you're annoyed, but if you can't do it in a reasonable manner then in my view he owes you no response.

Are you saying his interrupting you all the time predates the small apartment? Has he examined his own behaviour? Do you think it might be beneficial if he did?

Why is he 'allowed' to go into a tailspin about ordinary adult, administrative responsibilities? Why does he allow himself such a lack of self-discipline? What would he do if he were single?

I mean no-one likes dealing with taxes or any other admin but we all recognise that we just have to do it, that there isn't a choice. So we make ourselves fit it in and push through it, in whatever way works for us. I've experienced the 'tailspin' helpless in the face of impenetrably boring and intractable admin feeling myself. Then I've picked myself up and got over it.

It sounds like you have a bit of a mother / child dynamic going on.

I'm not dismissing the problem of your snapping and that examining your own psychology might help address that.

I am saying though, that there is a functional approach to consider too. Reduce the stressors that place you in the state of mind that leads to snapping and the snapping will reduce.

I am getting the impression that you and your DH live unequal lives, with you taking on many more burdensome roles than he does. That up until now he has been happy to embrace this and prepared to accept it comes at a price, which is a tired, stressed, guilty, snappy you. Now he wants the snapping to stop. But is he willing to give up the cushier life and take on his fair share of your joint burdens?

Or is he likely to cut and run, leaving you and your burdens behind?

@GaiusHelenMohiam

I’m snappy. DH sulks when I snap. I always apologise but I also say I’m entitled to my feelings and if I’m generally grumpy or tired or stressed then I’m going to be short with him when he irritates me.

Case in point; I was cooking earlier and had taken stuff out of the oven which would be going straight back in, he came into the kitchen while the stuff was out and TURNED THE OVEN OFF. I barked at him that I was still using it, he has done this to me before (turned the hob of while I drained the pasta that was going back on). He then sulked for about twenty minutes because I’d ‘had a go at him’.

You are entitled to your feelings. If he’s annoying you then snapping at him might not be the most gentle way of getting him to stop, but it is effective.

Oh gosh I can REALLY relate to this! My dh is in to everything and won't leave things alone when I am cooking, unless he is physically out of the house or he's working.

His favourite trick when I am cooking is either to turn the oven off, or to fill the mixing bowl with soapy water when I am baking. This drives me NUTS because I am usually making a second batch! (This gives the impression that he is terribly house proud when he is the opposite!)

Op I also understand it when you say that you don't realise how strongly you come across. And how you almost think of dh as the same person, as I am the same.

I think stress is to blame. And I think ways of managing it such as mindfulness help. And pp's previous suggestion of learning to pause before speaking is a good one!

Also though, be mindful overall of how much power and autonomy you have in your relationship , how much you are able to express your feelings generally, and how well your dh communicates with you ...because all of these issues can lead to pent up frustration.

Good luck op

@CrumpledCrumpet

Not saying it’s the solution to you but I started taking anti depressants last year following a spell of pronounced depression and I realised my snappiness (which predates the depression) stopped almost completely. I can tell if I’ve missed a couple of doses as I immediately get snappy again.

Absolutely the same happened to me x

Would like to say that it's great you have booked therapy @bitemyheadoff I'm kind of unsure if your DH isn't being quite unreasonable in general anyway but either way I hope the therapy is helpful to you.

I would be annoyed and snappy eventually if the things you are saying about him are really all the time. There's a difference between you being snappy out of the blue towards him and him provoking you into it.

Ultimately being snappy isn't good for either of you though.

@lottiegarbanzo the thing is that he has said that he would rather I did nothing at all, and never snap, than do everything I do and be angry. I know there are man-children about but he's not one of them. He is useless at admin, but he plans, buys, and cooks 3 meals a day every single day... So on balance I'll stick with the admin.

It is interesting to see the posters who said since I'm only like that with him it's not my personality, but the relationship, and I think on reflection it's true. The truth is that I'm very drained living with a depressed person and being left to manage DD alone (often literally, for 6 weeks at a time. We don't have family nearby to help). But I don't feel I can say anything about it because he would reply that his mum is dying, and he's right, that's pretty much the worst thing either of us are dealing with. So the resentment and anger towards has built up - unfairly, because it's not his fault - and I am sort of left holding the fort, but what can I do about that? Nothing. So it comes out as irritation - snapping at him. You can't be mad at your DH because his mum has the gall to be unwell at the end of her life, can you? But somehow I am :(

I will also look for the 'space' before the snap, and try to use some of the techniques suggested here.

Get therapy.

I’m snappy and it’s not just with DH so finding this an interesting thread.

But - actually someone asking you something three times when you’re focused on something is ducking irritating no matter how calm you are usually. As is getting I someone’s personal space when it’s not wanted.

Exercise definitely helps my snappiness. I am way more of a happy, tolerate, patient person if I’ve had a decent walk by myself or a run at some point in the day. I find it is something I have to really work on though. I try and take a deep breath before I speak too. Or I’m getting quite good at saying “yes let’s talk about XYZ but can we do it after dinner?” And I am generally in a much better frame of mind once I’ve eaten! Try and delay conversations to a better time. Think “is this worth the argument if I snap?”. I try and think about what it really is I’m trying to communicate so instead of snapping eg “why can’t you pick your shit up off the floor?!” I might say “let’s fold our laundry together while we chat tonight before bed” or something like that. I have to approach every day as a practice though. It doesn’t come easy to me.

I am prone to depression but it doesn't show by making me weepy and sad. It shows by making me irritable and angry. So try using the usual methods recommended for depression - exercise in green spaces, mindfulness, eating well and see if that all helps?

@RandomMess

My snappiness/irritability is all very deep life long anxiety.

It's been a revelation to realise my normal day to day state is being in a constant state of anxiety.

I recognise this in myself. Very snappy with DH on a regular basis. I worry it's a part of myself I will never be able to get rid of.