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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD, DF and his GF... AIBU?

28 replies

Imjustdone · 28/12/2021 14:47

I just don't know how to deal with the situation anymore and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.. DD 10 really doesn't like her dad girlfriend anymore for what I believe is very valid reasons.. He's been with her for around 2 years and the first year she was ok and they got on well.

However the continued arguments between her DF and GF have had have meant DD has been left anxious around the pair of them and hates going to her dad's every Friday.. Up til now I've kept out of it just trying to give DD tactics to help when in the situation like going to her room and distracting herself letting them get on with it.

However, about 8 weeks ago the GF got the arse after a day out with them because my DD didn't hold her hand so she left then later appeared outside at a restaurant DD and her DF went to (they have and app on eachother phone to see where they are) and followed DF and DD back to mine (few minutes walk) shouting at him something about him taking her out of dinner etc. My DD come home balling her eyes out.

A this point I'd had enough and I then told her DF that DD does not want to be around her the GF anymore. He then went on holiday with her and when I came back I told him DD is anxious about staying with him and why and his response was "it's OK we have sorted things and that there will be no more arguing in front of the kids".

He hasn't listened to DDs feeeling at all. I'd say 6 out of the 8 times he's had her since his woman has been involved in there contact.

Now on boxing day the GF has pulled my DD aside and asked why she is being rude to her (she not she just not initiating conversations but will answer when spoken to) and told DD that she is causing problems between her and her dad. DD said she didn't say anything just cried and dad didn't intervene.

I'm fuming. I now want to tell him that if he can't provide a safe and confortable environment for DD for the 24 hours a week he sees her (he lives 5 minutes away) then DD will no longer be staying at his house and he will have to make other arrangements to spend time with her.. But am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LittleLadyCece · 28/12/2021 14:52

What an awful situation for your DD to be in. You've done the right thing in opinion by standing back at first but then having a word with the DF when shes got upset. You are putting your DD first as should her DF. I think you would well be in your rights to say if he cant provide a safe and comfortable atmosphere then she cant stay over. What are you DDs thoughts on it? Does she want to go? Stay over?

ANameChangeAgain · 28/12/2021 14:54

No you aren't being unreasonable. Tell your ex that whilst he continues to put his horrible girlfriend before his daughter, then he only gets to see his daughter at your home. If she's is behaving threateningly towards your daughter then the police should be told.

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2021 14:55

YANBU. You must protect your child, she should feel safe when with either parent. If he can’t cope with 24 hours with her and not his gf, I wouldn’t let her go.

purpleboxes · 28/12/2021 14:56

Ah OP, I would be raging at this. How you havn't contacted this women directly i dont know.

The visits would stop and I would get him to take me to court for access.

mbosnz · 28/12/2021 15:02

I'd be saying that given the last time his GF had the temerity to have a go at your DD for absolutely no good reason, and her useless father looked on and did nothing to intervene or support your daughter, you won't be facilitating further visits until your DD expresses a desire to recommence them, and if he wants to do what as a father he ought to do, and maintain a relationship with his daughter, then he'll have to find a different way whereby she is not exposed to either his fights with his girlfriend, or his girlfriend being able to take potshots at his daughter.

anon12345678901 · 28/12/2021 15:07

Not unreasonable in the slightest. You're looking after your child, which he should be doing. Does he know the girlfriend pulled her aside on Boxing Day? I'm assuming yes as you said he didn't intervene, so I would make a point of saying if he cannot put his child first, you have to do what's in her best interest, and that is for her not to be around the gf.

Billybagpuss · 28/12/2021 15:16

Has DD expressed that she no longer wishes to see him? Or just support her in refusing to see him if gf is around.

You are 100% NBU to be fuming and to support her in this

Original poster
Imjustdone · 28/12/2021 15:17

My DD has suffered with anxiety and separation anxiety for a few years now and I have paid for private CBT therapy and whilst it has got much better at school and other environments it's not at her DF and I have forced her to go to contact every week. Although drop the one Friday and Saturday she had always had once a month to just the Friday. And unless I have concrete plans she's been made available any other time he has asked for contact in the last 6 years.

She doesn't want to go anymore especially if teh GF is going to be around and I feel now she is old enough to make up her own mind.

OP posts:
StrangerThanSpring · 28/12/2021 15:23

I don't know. Is the contact court ordered? Is he likely to take this to court? She's only 10 so I'm not sure if legally you can stop contact.

LostForIdeas · 28/12/2021 15:31

On paper I agree.

But DF and your dd should also see each other and it’s not up to you to decide how this happens. If you had done that to me and stopped weekly visits, I would go to court tbh. I suspect in your case, DF would also win the visit wo any issue too…..

Unfortunately, I suspect the best you can do is to carry on listening to your dd and giving her the tools to deal with it. Including the ability to talk to her dad about how she feels and establish her own boundaries.

I’d also involve her DF in dealing with the school about her anxiety etc… so it’s not any more ‘you are just being spiteful to me’ but an issue he has to be part in to resolve iyswim

Original poster
Imjustdone · 28/12/2021 15:37

Just to confirm I have never and would never stop contact.. In fact I've done quite the opposite since I left him 6 years ago and made her available at every given opportunity he's asked for extra time.

It's not that she doesn't want to see him it's that she wants reassurance that the GF isn't going to be there or just turn up.

OP posts:
MzHz · 28/12/2021 15:39

Can she walk home if she wants to come back?

MzHz · 28/12/2021 15:41

Think you have to be proactive here, she’s available to see him but in neutral territory, not staying over for a bit, but she’ll let him know when she wants to stay.

Otherwise you have to pause contact- she’s needing cbt fgs, this is damaging her

Contact is for HER benefit alone

That’s not what she’s getting here is it?

NotIdeal · 28/12/2021 15:42

She should be able to see her DF without his GF being present. Would he be agreeable to this?

3scape · 28/12/2021 15:44

She's 10. It's not unusual for her to need an adult to advocate for her feelings PARTICULARLY as you've already raised it as a problem which hasn't fixed it.

Gumbomambo · 28/12/2021 15:44

Lots of sympathy for your DD, she’s young and dealing with adult issues. I think a really calm conversation with dad, maybe write down a few bullet points of what you want to say and keep reminding yourself to keep calm. Perhaps suggest going back to a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon for a few weeks just the two of them to build up some trust. I really feel for you you seem like you are trying to do the right thing by everyone but ultimately your DD and her well being is your priority and it should be dads too.

purpleboxes · 28/12/2021 15:50

Well he isnt going to ensure that is? And he is quite happy to let her bully your dd.

Maybe you shouldnt have let him have her at every whim when it suited him then he might take her contact more seriously.

He doesnt care that he has given your dd anxiety through arguing with his GF in front of her

He doesnt care that his GF was upsetting your dd whilst walking back from the meal.

He doesnt care that his GF pulled your dd to one side and had a go at her - in fact he sat back and watched that one unfold. Maybe he agreed on some level?

At what point are you going to say 'fuck that'?

You or your dd cannot dictate who he sees on his time and you need to be upfront on that with her- what you can do is arrange for your dd to see him in a safe place - like a relatives house or a contact centre.

Because there is no way in hell would I allow one of my kids to be dragged along with this train wreck.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 28/12/2021 15:51

YADNBU.

My Dads second wife was like this. An absolute fucking cow who left me a wreck, who would do the same things that your ex’s GF is.

Either she isn’t here or he doesn’t have Dd.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 28/12/2021 15:53

and told DD that she is causing problems between her and her dad. DD said she didn't say anything just cried and dad didn't intervene.

This is NOT on. This is verbal abuse and I would be tempted to seek legal advice on this one with the GF shouting abuse at them/other examples above.

JacquelineCarlyle · 28/12/2021 15:53

Your poor DD, Op. Well done for advocating for her although I'm not sure what your options are if he refuses and continues to have his GF around when he has your DD - some sort of supervised contact or no overnights? Does he have parents who can also advocate for your DD or act as a buffer when he has her? Hope it gets sorted.

MzHz · 28/12/2021 16:02

@Imjustdone only YOU can help your daughter.

YOU @Imjustdone

At what point are you going to say “fuck that!” - well yeah, precisely!

It’s way past the fuck that time, why are you so afraid of upsetting him, that you’re allowing your dd to be bullied over and over and keep sending her back?

You are trying to do the nice thing, but with awful people and your daughter is in real distress.

Your ex should have binned his gf for any one of the things you’re saying here, but he hasn’t

He’s prioritising his dick. You’re prioritising his feelings.

Fuck That!

Original poster
Imjustdone · 28/12/2021 16:03

I've absolutely made it clear to DD that what DF does and who he sees when he is not with her is nothing to do with us and she agrees and doesn't want him to break up with her she just doesn't want to have to be around someone she does not like.

If he can't agree to not having the GF there then my recommendation would be to facilitate contact at his parents house which is also 5 minutes up the road. My DD loves her GP and also talks to her DM about how she feels about the GF and whilst GM agrees (she doesn't like the GF either) she won't get involved at all.

OP posts:
FathernotDad · 28/12/2021 16:16

This is near identical to what my dd (now 11) has gone through.

A few years ago, dd came back from her df and gf's house.

Gf has made fun about dd weight Xmas Hmm.. She was only around six at the time!!

Prior to this, gf had kicked off because my dd's df was 'going to be spending the evening' with me.. Only it was in the operating theatre. Our child was having an operation.

Anyway, my daughter (after she told me about the comments) was no longer allowed to their house (obvs my say so).

A while later, I find out that they had married in secret. Having to tell my daughter was the hardest thing in my life. It absolutely broke her heart, and still does.

She just kept looking at me, crying and saying 'but she called me names, mummy, how could he marry someone that called me horrible names?"

(gosh, I'm in tears writing this 😥)

But, here's the thing..a decent dad would put the welfare of his child first. Your precious daughter should not have to learn to live in discomfort.

And, as much as I fucking hate the woman that he married (for calling my child names), I blame him. He had the power to stop this bullshit and he chose not to. He had the power to put his child first, and chose not to.
That is not love!

As an aside, his wife was very jealous of the close relationship that my daughter has with her father (from him telling me about things she has said, when they first got together) but apparently that wasn't red flaggy enough for him..

OP, you are not being unreasonable, at all.

ChristmasPlanning · 28/12/2021 16:24

OP your family sound really odd! Is your sister exceptionally young? Was it a very short engagement? I cannot fathom how you all colluded to keep this secret from your father

ChristmasPlanning · 28/12/2021 16:24

@ChristmasPlanning

OP your family sound really odd! Is your sister exceptionally young? Was it a very short engagement? I cannot fathom how you all colluded to keep this secret from your father
So sorry wrong thread! Blush