DD, DF and his GF... AIBU?

[Imjustdone]

I just don't know how to deal with the situation anymore and need to know if I'm being unreasonable.. DD 10 really doesn't like her dad girlfriend anymore for what I believe is very valid reasons.. He's been with her for around 2 years and the first year she was ok and they got on well.

However the continued arguments between her DF and GF have had have meant DD has been left anxious around the pair of them and hates going to her dad's every Friday.. Up til now I've kept out of it just trying to give DD tactics to help when in the situation like going to her room and distracting herself letting them get on with it.

However, about 8 weeks ago the GF got the arse after a day out with them because my DD didn't hold her hand so she left then later appeared outside at a restaurant DD and her DF went to (they have and app on eachother phone to see where they are) and followed DF and DD back to mine (few minutes walk) shouting at him something about him taking her out of dinner etc. My DD come home balling her eyes out.

A this point I'd had enough and I then told her DF that DD does not want to be around her the GF anymore. He then went on holiday with her and when I came back I told him DD is anxious about staying with him and why and his response was "it's OK we have sorted things and that there will be no more arguing in front of the kids".

He hasn't listened to DDs feeeling at all. I'd say 6 out of the 8 times he's had her since his woman has been involved in there contact.

Now on boxing day the GF has pulled my DD aside and asked why she is being rude to her (she not she just not initiating conversations but will answer when spoken to) and told DD that she is causing problems between her and her dad. DD said she didn't say anything just cried and dad didn't intervene.

I'm fuming. I now want to tell him that if he can't provide a safe and confortable environment for DD for the 24 hours a week he sees her (he lives 5 minutes away) then DD will no longer be staying at his house and he will have to make other arrangements to spend time with her.. But am I being unreasonable?

I’ve got a friend with older children who have been through the same.

When they become teens they vote with their feet more.

Sorry. It’s shit she deserves so much better.

Yanbu to be fuming. But I would approach this in a different way.

It seems that your ex very much repeats everything that your DD has said about his gf back to her, and that is never going to end well. FWIW my eXH did similar. My DS didn’t like his GF, but he refused to hear it from me, and insisted that DS tell him himself, so he did, and then ex told his GF word for word what DS had said.

Like your ex, XH and his GF argued, had screaming matches, she had a DD who they insisted was DS stepsister from the outset and essentially insisted that they behave as siblings, and then she fell pregnant with their own baby early on.

I told DS that I was always here to talk to. That I would only ever support his having a relationship with his dad and would always encourage him to go, as when you lose a relationship that early on it can be hard to rebuild if you want to in the future. He was also 10 when this all started.

By the time he was 13 I believed he was old enough to make his own decisions, and more and more he started staying with me during the week rather than going there, until they went on holiday and again she and DS had a screaming row,she had a go at DS because he wasn’t acting in a way she thought he should, then she hurled a lot of insults about me across a crowded restaurant, it was so mortifying that even her own daughter left.

After that DS never stayed there again.

He’s 19 now and has a vague relationship with his dad. He talks to him etc but they only see each other maybe every 3 months. He has 0 relationship with the GF or the GF’s DD, and 0 relationship really with his half sibling. He sees him maybe twice a year.

And all of this could have been avoided if eXH had been a bit less cavalier about it all in the beginning, and had actually put his DS’ feelings first.

So what I would say to your ex is that while you understand he has a GF who he wants to spend time with, every time there is an incident like this, he is doing harm to his relationship with his child, and that one day, when she is old enough (and that will be one day soon,) she will be able to decide not to see him, and he will have no control over that and neither will you. So you suggest that perhaps they meet at her GM’s house in future, so that the relationship between them still has a chance, while she’s still young, and before it’s too late.

Nocause- excellent post.