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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow him to play the hero dad?!

32 replies

Ynotme · 28/12/2021 12:49

Current situation; my reception aged daughter has told her father that she keeps it a secret he does not live with us.
He has decided that he must collect her from school and meet her friends..even organise a party 🤔

Ok so here's the full story now.
Dd was conceived by IVF via a known donor (her "father")
He played no part in the pregnancy, bought no baby equipment, never came to scans or the birth. Met her for the first time when she was 8 weeks old. Apparently too busy to come sooner.

In her 4.5 years has only recently spent any significant solo time getting to know her (more forced by me) as he moans that he knows nothing about her, yet never calls to check in.
There has been so much of me trying to tell him what he needs to do to be a proper father, for example a regular day) night that is consistent and my daughter will feel settled and secure with. But this is just not possible as he's too busy (his words)
I have raised, worked, dealt with all the mental exhaustion, the financial expenses and even solo with no breaks during all the lockdowns.
He has had no interest during the nursery years, never once suggested picking up or meeting friends.
I don't even know where he lives.
But now he wants to swoop in and play the hero dad, I feel extremely uneasy about it.
I don't want her to begin to rely on his presence, when he could disappear again for 6 months it just feels wrong.
DD is a very happy, confident and secure child.

He is making out like I am unreasonable and even told DD that he thinks I don't like him.
(I don't think much of him, however I would never put that on my DD)
I'm too close to the situation and can't see if I'm unreasonable or not.

So ladies honest opinions please.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 28/12/2021 12:57

I'm unclear as to why there is an expectation for a donor to act as her dad at all? Was there an intention that you would co parent? Is he on the birth certificate?

If he wants to form a relationship I think this should probably be supported with occasional contact.

I wonder if having some extra books and shows around that feature dc living with single parents might make your dd feel more confident to talk about her real family? Living with a single parent is very normal, and it is worrying that she wants to cover this up.

Original poster
Ynotme · 28/12/2021 13:37

Not on the birth certificate;
Made promises before the baby to be involved and take an active role as a co-parent.
It has just never happened. I therefore can only refer to him as a donor (in my head and to adult aquaintences) never to her, I use daddy.
My DD knows, we talk openly about the situation, I guess it's her first experience with peers where she feels different, or notices the difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ynotme · 28/12/2021 13:40

To clarify I'm happy with the occasional contact if that's all he can manage.
I'm not happy that he feels he can just swoop in and take over a situation by throwing a party and meeting everyone in her life...then swan off again.

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 28/12/2021 13:48

If he genuinely wants to be involved, and she wants him to be involved, and YOU want him to be involved, then he can start very slowly and put the hours in-not Disney dad party host but pick up once a week, rain or shine, and tea. Take her to her activity, every week, never late, never miss it. Just like a real parent.
If he earns his role as her dad with the shot and boring bits, he gets to do the glamorous, exciting parts.
If he doesn’t, he doesn’t…

Iwonder08 · 28/12/2021 13:54

You refer to him as daddy when you talk to her, let him try and be daddy. It is all your doing, you picked 'a known donor' and decided to let her call him daddy. You shouldn't project your feelings of resentment to their relationship now

Hunderland · 28/12/2021 14:01

I think it sounds like your DD, who is obviously old enough to know her dad doesn't live with her and that this is different to her friends, would actually really like this.

It's a weird set up though, you sound like you have higher expectations of someone who's a donor but lower than a father.

Josette77 · 28/12/2021 14:04

I also am confused. Why such high expectations of a sperm donor?

Heartbroker · 28/12/2021 14:07

Sounds like a mess. You really should have thought of this before your IVF plan.

Dozer · 28/12/2021 14:09

Your posts are confusing. Was he actually a sperm donor, or a boyfriend / friend with benefits?

If anything other than a formal sperm donor he should be paying financial maintenance. And have agreed, regular contact time with DD. If he fails your DD in maintaining that, take that up with him and support your DD emotionally.

During his contact time, if he invites her friends round that’s his business.

Swisscheeseleaves · 28/12/2021 14:14

If I'm this confused, god knows how your daughter feels!

girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 14:19

Is he actually a sperm donor, or did you conceive with him unintentionally and decide to continue with the pregnancy?

Your OP makes it sound like you used a sperm donor because of fertility issues and this man was your partner at the time. I'm really confused.

Chloemol · 28/12/2021 14:21

If he wants to be involved then tell him he requires taking her on specific days, and that he needs to lay maintenance

Then watch him disappear

Hellocatshome · 28/12/2021 14:23

Ok well I'm confused so your poor daughter probably hasn't got a clue. If he wants to be her Daddy then he needs to be paying maintenance and there needs to be a proper access arrangement.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/12/2021 14:27

JFC what a mess. You're right to want to protect your daughter in all of this but you're very much culpable. Did you "not think much of him" pre pregnancy as well?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 28/12/2021 14:30

I understood you, OP. Mainly because I have read all your posts.

I think you are going to have to accept that he is going to give being a daddy a try, no matter how half arsed. So maybe you could talk to him, tell him to slow down a bit, do normal things, that your DD doesn't need grand gestures she needs and obviously wants more of his presence, not presents.

You seem really conflicted between knowing your DD wants more contact with him and you knowing how bloody useless he has been. Take a deep breath, talk to him and see if he'll listen to reason.

Good luck.

Original poster
Ynotme · 28/12/2021 14:31

I know, it is confusing, however I I give out all the details I would no longer be anonymous.
So to bullet point.

  • I wanted a baby but ageing and single *Put myself out there to find a way to have a child *Had a very attractive offer from a donor who sold himself as the whole package of involved co parent. *Once pregnant that was very apparent it was mis sold *The coldness and distance came out *I've never refused contact (not my call) although it can be up to 8months between visits *I started using his name, he got arsey and said call me daddy (so does my DD now, so again not my call) No real involved parenting, a bit meh about it if I'm honest *So it all falls on me to pick up those pieces and explain/support emotions of DD *Aibu to not want him to now do the hey look at me isn't my DD amazing aren't I an ace dad throwing parties.. etc *Aibu to not want DD to expect any more than what he is capable of being and therefore keep the relationship as it's always been (I e like a distant relative)
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/12/2021 14:33

He needs to build up slowly if he has now decided he wants a relationship. I’d say anything he does must be guided by you.

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2021 14:36

Yanbu how dare he let her down and then think a party will make it better

You need to teach your daughter to be less ashamed of herself though different doesn't mean wrong and that shouldn't be kept secret

Original poster
Ynotme · 28/12/2021 14:38

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

I understood you, OP. Mainly because I have read all your posts.

I think you are going to have to accept that he is going to give being a daddy a try, no matter how half arsed. So maybe you could talk to him, tell him to slow down a bit, do normal things, that your DD doesn't need grand gestures she needs and obviously wants more of his presence, not presents.

You seem really conflicted between knowing your DD wants more contact with him and you knowing how bloody useless he has been. Take a deep breath, talk to him and see if he'll listen to reason.

Good luck.

100% understood, thank you. I'm so torn. I don't want to hurt DD by being disappointed in her obvious poor paternal involvement. Equally I don't want to be the bad guy. However I don't think he deserves the party throwing ego boost either
OP posts:
Puffinhead · 28/12/2021 14:54

@Cherrysoup

He needs to build up slowly if he has now decided he wants a relationship. I’d say anything he does must be guided by you.
Yes and also you could not give your permission to allow him to collect her from school.
Bananarama21 · 28/12/2021 14:55

Tbh you were single and childless I don't know what you expected from the arrangement but its clear he wants some form of relationship with his child but not on the level of an actual parent. I think I might get slated for this but it's now become an confusing issue for your dd which is unfair as she clearly has expectations that aren't the same had she been convieced in a loving relationship, it's almost like it was a business transaction which now your dd is a product of that. I don't think its a single woman right to just have a child for the sake of it within out considering the potential impact it could have on the child and the lack of relationship of the child's biological heritage.

TheHoptimist · 28/12/2021 15:09

Is it a case that he is also aging and realises this may be his only child?

Original poster
Ynotme · 28/12/2021 20:55

@Bananarama21

Tbh you were single and childless I don't know what you expected from the arrangement but its clear he wants some form of relationship with his child but not on the level of an actual parent. I think I might get slated for this but it's now become an confusing issue for your dd which is unfair as she clearly has expectations that aren't the same had she been convieced in a loving relationship, it's almost like it was a business transaction which now your dd is a product of that. I don't think its a single woman right to just have a child for the sake of it within out considering the potential impact it could have on the child and the lack of relationship of the child's biological heritage.
Your last sentence is a completely outdated view on life. Just because someone hasn't been lucky enough to meet the perfect partner does not take away any natural human rights or the desire to have a child. My child, for the record, has everything a child has from a 2 parent family. She is loved beyond measure, and we have the most amazing bond. Bar the obvious estranged (whilst convenient) father and thus breaks my heart as it was supposed to be so different from how it has turned out.
OP posts:
JustWonderingIfYou · 28/12/2021 21:21

I think this is a mess of your own making. Shes obviously insecure about her home life or she wouldn't hide it.

You can't call him daddy and expect her to not want the daddy/daughter relationship she sees friends have or on tv. This must be so confusing for her. Either he's a done and you need to have some sort of fixed contact- eg yearly catch up or he's her daddy and can throw a party and meet her friends.

Soraya5 · 28/12/2021 21:22

I don’t think it’s an outdated view, it’s a child-centred view.