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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18yo going abroad with BF

40 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 28/12/2021 09:32

I'm just interested in opinions, not necessarily saying this is a problem but have a slight hint of worry about the situation.

18yo DD met her BF at uni in October (she's in her first year). He's her first BF, I haven't met him and only found out about his existence a week ago. She's just announced that they're going to Spain for a few days next week. She will be flying alone as he lives in a different part of the country and will get a separate flight. She has travelled lots with me but has never had to do all of the organisation herself.

Part of me applauds her independence, then the other part of me worries.... Which part of me is correct?!

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 28/12/2021 09:34

Both, worrying as a parent is natural and so is being proud that's she's so independent. Hope she has a lovely time

Ducksurprise · 28/12/2021 09:36

You always worry, no matter how old they are.

Just remind her to check her passport is valid for 6 months, she has checked the covid situation and has insurance and wish her well

SundayTeatime · 28/12/2021 09:39

Applaud her independence. My DD went travelling around the world alone at age 18. She was gone six months. She planned and organised it all and paid for it all herself. I was so, so worried. But that was my worry, not hers.

NinaDefoe · 28/12/2021 09:42

Offer to help with organisation, planning and transport this end. Offer lifts to the airport, offer to go pre trip shopping, offer help with packing, snacks for journey, money etc.
My Mum did all of the above for/with me whilst all along allowing me to believe that I was totally independent 🤣
She was very smart.

RaininSummer · 28/12/2021 09:43

Make sure she has the means to get home under her own steam in the unlikely event anything bad happened between them.

SirChenjins · 28/12/2021 09:45

Both! It’s great she’s happy, in love and confident enough to do this. As her mum you’re always going to worry though. Make sure she has access to some emergency funding, just in case, and have her travel details written down somewhere.

RandomMess · 28/12/2021 09:55

Yep both especially with the hassle of Covid and needing to test negative to get back.

HeartOfClass · 28/12/2021 10:10

I think both parts are right, i.e., recognising her independence, and being concerned. Logistically she'll be OK having travelled before. Just ensure she has plenty of extra time with respect to potential delays. Also, make sure she has some Euro cash just in case.

I'd be a bit concerned about the BF, and not knowing anything about him. Do you have a way to contact his family if needed?

It's normal to be concerned, but there is little you can do really.

MojoMoon · 28/12/2021 10:13

If she messes up by not having her passport, she'll learn not to do it again

I wouldn't interfere in her packing or travel to the airport plans. She is an adult - she needs to do those and if she takes the wrong things or is late, she'll learn.

I would check with her that she has travel insurance that will cover any medical emergencies including getting Covid while abroad. Get her to look at the small print. She might not realise insurance companies have lots of exclusions.

And to let her know that if things turned ugly with the boyfriend while she was there, you could support her to move her flight/get a room somewhere else, so she knows she doesn't have to stay if it did go bad.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 28/12/2021 10:16

Thanks everyone. All ok on the travel insurance as she's covered under my family policy. I think my main concern is not having met the boyfriend.

OP posts:
Twinkleylight · 28/12/2021 10:32

Make sure that you have contact details and the address of where she's staying. Give her the details of the British embassy in Madrid especially as covid travel situation can change almost overnight.
There are three consulate offices: Madrid, Alicante and Malaga.
www.gov.uk/world/organisations/british-embassy-madrid

3WildOnes · 28/12/2021 10:36

She is plenty old enough to travel alone. I went abroad with my friends after my GCSEs again after AS levels and then around the world for 5 months in my gap year. A trip to Spain seems pretty tame.

MorningStarling · 28/12/2021 10:39

Chances are the BF is perfectly harmless and there's nothing to worry about. Presumably you have his name/address/contact details just in case he does anything untoward though, so you can go to the police?

JustWonderingIfYou · 28/12/2021 11:29

She's 18, not 12! I'd be worried if she couldn't do this alone.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 28/12/2021 14:11

@MorningStarling

Chances are the BF is perfectly harmless and there's nothing to worry about. Presumably you have his name/address/contact details just in case he does anything untoward though, so you can go to the police?
Yeah we have his full name. I'm sure he's lovely and that we'll meet him soon, it's just timing.
OP posts:
SmallElephant · 28/12/2021 14:14

Yes, it's normal for you to feel both these things! She'll be fine but it's natural to worry.

LiterallyKnowsBest · 28/12/2021 14:23

Yeah we have his full name.

So now you can Google him. And check him out on social media. And assure yourself that your lovely daughter will not be trafficked or arrested as a drugs mule. At least he won’t have access to her luggage before she flies …

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 01/01/2022 15:57

UPDATE: what would you do if your daughter was not taking any steps to protect herself from covid before travelling? She went clubbing last night, and is going to a football match tomorrow. I despair. She thinks she won't get covid because she had it in the summer. I'm worried she will test positive before she travels home and get stuck there. Would you just leave her to learn her own lessons?

OP posts:
LiterallyKnowsBest · 01/01/2022 15:59

Would you just leave her to learn her own lessons?

Well … Far as I know it’s illegal to prevent another adult from leaving a residential building. So I’m not sure we can support you in any plans to keep her under house arrest.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 01/01/2022 16:02

Of course I'm not planning to keep her under house arrest. She's just so defensive when I suggest she should be more careful. So maybe I'll just shut up and leave her to it.

OP posts:
LiterallyKnowsBest · 01/01/2022 16:10

I obviously wasn’t being entirely serious …

But no one can force an 18 year old to do or refrain from doing whatever they’ve decided on. All you can do is offer your carefully considered opinion and hope they trust you enough to listen.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 01/01/2022 16:13

@LiterallyKnowsBest

I obviously wasn’t being entirely serious …

But no one can force an 18 year old to do or refrain from doing whatever they’ve decided on. All you can do is offer your carefully considered opinion and hope they trust you enough to listen.

Yep I guess you're right. I just know that if she does get stuck there it'll become my problem and she'll expect to be bailed out.
OP posts:
delilahbucket · 01/01/2022 16:31

I went to gran canaria with my boyfriend when I was 16. Your daughter is an adult so let her be one.

Roselilly36 · 01/01/2022 16:35

I can totally understand your concern, definitely insist on meeting him, my parents knew my BF would look after me. I went away with my BF when I was 18, he was 18 too, we have now been married 27yrs, been together 32 years, and have two awesome adult sons. Let her go, she has a phone, make sure she knows where the embassy is and takes a copy of her passport & has travel insurance.

Roselilly36 · 01/01/2022 16:37

Do not assume she is covered on the family insurance, if she is travelling alone.