Passive agression

[Alondra]

Something that has been doing my head in since I've been in Mumsnet is the amount of passive agressive posts or lack of understanding of what passive agression means.

1. Adults discuss issues face to face.

1. Adults don't put prawns heads or other fish in curtains.

1. Adults don't give the ghosting treatment in a relalionship because you haven't heard from your boyfriend in a week.

1. Adults are entitled to cut loses with family and close friends if they are damaging to you, your family and your kids.

Why are so many people afraid to be frank, speak their mind and cut loses even if they are family and close friends?

Passive aggressive: prawns in curtains.

Actve aggressive: clouting them around the head with a couple of lobsters.

You are absolutely correct that the latter may be a preferable solution, though certainly a more expensive one.

Because not all of us were taught that as children or young adults; some people (myself included) were taught that you have to put up with other peoples crap for the sake of being polite/respectful/for family so it’s incredibly difficult to go against everything you know, everything you were taught and saw growing up and to learn those skills when you don’t know how to do it.
I agree with you that adults should discuss issues face to face but it’s naive to question why adults don’t do it and somewhat offensive to those of us who are trying to relearn habits to suggest that we aren’t acting like adults

True, but your first suggestion on another thread was to send a passive aggressive text rather than discussing issues face to face in response to someone’s suggestion that their kid was screaming and annoying everyone so … 🤔🤷‍♀️

Women are sometimes taught from a young age they have to be 'nice'. Sticking up for yourself, saying 'no' etc is not good. Your worth comes from how other people regard you.

@BinChicken3

True, but your first suggestion on another thread was to send a passive aggressive text rather than discussing issues face to face in response to someone’s suggestion that their kid was screaming and annoying everyone so … 🤔🤷‍♀️

Which goes to show people who are passive agressive are completly oblivious when the same response is given to them.

@Kbyodjs

Because not all of us were taught that as children or young adults; some people (myself included) were taught that you have to put up with other peoples crap for the sake of being polite/respectful/for family so it’s incredibly difficult to go against everything you know, everything you were taught and saw growing up and to learn those skills when you don’t know how to do it. I agree with you that adults should discuss issues face to face but it’s naive to question why adults don’t do it and somewhat offensive to those of us who are trying to relearn habits to suggest that we aren’t acting like adults

I'm truly sorry that you thought my post offensive. See, this is what I don't understand. You acknowledge you were taught from early age to put up with people's crap and yet you think it's offensive to raise the isse on a forum.

I get that it's diffult to overcome ingrained behaviour but if you are aware, and you are, it's up to you to do something about it instead of taking offense for raising the issue.

@Alondra

I agree with you: I think there comes a point where you have to take responsibility and man up. But I think you may underestimate how difficult this can be for some people.

My mum was brought up in this environment where being “nice” and inoffensive was everything and it was so hard-wired she couldn’t ever really get past it. Years of therapy didn’t really handle it.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@Alondra

I agree with you: I think there comes a point where you have to take responsibility and man up. But I think you may underestimate how difficult this can be for some people.

My mum was brought up in this environment where being “nice” and inoffensive was everything and it was so hard-wired she couldn’t ever really get past it. Years of therapy didn’t really handle it.[/quote]
I agree that's difficult to overcome "being nice" from early age. However being nice or a doormat to put it plainly is not the same as being passive agressive

Passive agression is being nasty clouded in nice words. Or acting nasty when no one can see you. It's a pattern of indirectly communicating negative feelings instead of being upfront about them.

I understand that it's a diffult issue but I've been suprised for a while how many posters on this site seem to be ok with it. Honestly, it does my head in.

Why are so many people afraid to be frank, speak their mind and cut loses even if they are family and close friends?

I would say its because of fear. Plain and simple 😢

May be not totally relevant to your thread but there was an interesting TV programme on about human behaviour and online behaviour. Humans appear to be changing the way they interact. We are generally social beings but there are increasing numbers of people who are living secluded and this impacts on their behaviour. Especially online, they say things they would not dream of in real life (hate crime also etc).
People’s perceptions of passive aggression can depend on their experience. Sometimes people aren’t phased with arguing. Others are horrified at this

I'm truly sorry that you thought my post offensive.

What?! Where did they say that your post was offensive? I thought it was just a well balanced reply to what you said? Isn’t saying that you’re ‘truly sorry’ for something when all you’re trying to do is imply someone is being overly sensitive a perfect example of passive aggression?

The prawn in curtains thing is disgusting, do people really stoop to such spite or is it an urban myth.

I get that it can be very difficult to have an honest conversation with a tricky relative/neighbour/colleague but spiteful back stabbery, tinkly laugh shite makes me cringe. It is so contrived, utterly lacking in character and just straight up hostile. Nothing passive about it.

As to MN itself, so much aggression in here. So many posters seem to delight in deliberately misunderstanding OPs, or leaping in to land a put down as if it's of life saving importance. Again, it is deeply unpleasant and very cowardly.

@Landlubber2019

Why are so many people afraid to be frank, speak their mind and cut loses even if they are family and close friends?

I would say its because of fear. Plain and simple 😢

I agree.

@janbaby22

I'm truly sorry that you thought my post offensive.

What?! Where did they say that your post was offensive? I thought it was just a well balanced reply to what you said? Isn’t saying that you’re ‘truly sorry’ for something when all you’re trying to do is imply someone is being overly sensitive a perfect example of passive aggression?

here...

I agree with you that adults should discuss issues face to face but it’s naive to question why adults don’t do it and somewhat offensive

I don’t think it’s offensive to raise it but I find this quite a shaming post for those of us who struggle as if we’re not acting like adults

@sweetbellyhigh

The prawn in curtains thing is disgusting, do people really stoop to such spite or is it an urban myth.

I get that it can be very difficult to have an honest conversation with a tricky relative/neighbour/colleague but spiteful back stabbery, tinkly laugh shite makes me cringe. It is so contrived, utterly lacking in character and just straight up hostile. Nothing passive about it.

As to MN itself, so much aggression in here. So many posters seem to delight in deliberately misunderstanding OPs, or leaping in to land a put down as if it's of life saving importance. Again, it is deeply unpleasant and very cowardly.

I rarely post because I see so much agression I cringe everytime a poster with lack of assertiveness is being subjected to open abuse or my pet hate passive agressive posts which questions everything about her instead of adressing the issue that often their relative/friend etc is an arsehole.

Common sense ceases to exist and it's about bullying the OP because it's fun. The more I read the more I'm aghast. I honestly don't understand why women with problems needing an outlet forum to speak about their issues will turn to this place.

Ah but prawns in your ex's curtains is so much more satisfying then talking like adults about why he decided to shag your neighbour and then dump you for her.

I think it's easy to say 'you should do this' when you're not in a situation yourself, but when you've never known anything apart from abuse, or you've been with someone a very long time or are financially dependent on them or have been gas lit for many years it's just not that black and white.

Oh and in number three is sounds like it's the boyfriend doing the ghosting, if they can't be bothered to reply to your messages for a week and won't answer the phone to you what are you supposed to do apart from block them??

@Alondra

yes to all that. I wish the standards were higher.

@Tal45

Ah but prawns in your ex's curtains is so much more satisfying then talking like adults about why he decided to shag your neighbour and then dump you for her.

I think it's easy to say 'you should do this' when you're not in a situation yourself, but when you've never known anything apart from abuse, or you've been with someone a very long time or are financially dependent on them or have been gas lit for many years it's just not that black and white.

Oh and in number three is sounds like it's the boyfriend doing the ghosting, if they can't be bothered to reply to your messages for a week and won't answer the phone to you what are you supposed to do apart from block them??

I cannot imagine it to be in any way satisfying. Nastiness does not satisfy me. Not everyone is vindictive though a newcomer to MN could be forgiven for thinking vindictiveness is the assumed position.

I say this as someone who has endured a lot of abuse so it's not about power, it's just a personality thing.

@Kbyodjs

I don’t think it’s offensive to raise it but I find this quite a shaming post for those of us who struggle as if we’re not acting like adults

Emotional mature adults discuss difficult issues face to face without engaging in negative passive agressive behaviour, abuse or emotional withdrawal. Trust me, the last thing that I want is to shame you or anyone but acknowledging that this is an issue for many specially on this website.

Too often kids learn passive agresive behaviour from parents because that's all they've learnt instead of being confident, frank and clear in the way they relate to others.

Please don't take my post in a negative way but if I've raised an issue that impacts you personally take the time to think why and what you can change.

This post is not about you, it's about how people react to negative emotions.

Such a waste of a prawns life

. Adults don't give the ghosting treatment in a relalionship because you haven't heard from your boyfriend in a week.

Your already being ghosted in this situation I see zero issues in returning the favour

I think you’re missing my point and your last response demonstrates that but I’ll leave it there.

I do think it’s worth saying though that at times you know that even if you can maturely discuss things then the other person cannot or won’t see your point and it can bring more peace just to withdraw from people.

@Theunamedcat

. Adults don't give the ghosting treatment in a relalionship because you haven't heard from your boyfriend in a week.

Your already being ghosted in this situation I see zero issues in returning the favour

You assume that if you haven't heard from your boyfriend in a week you are being ghosted?

What about giving him a call or go to his place until you reach him?

OP, not sure you sound particularly assertive, just finger wagging. Like you are telling everyone off. Hope you feel better for it now.