Passive agression

[Alondra]

Something that has been doing my head in since I've been in Mumsnet is the amount of passive agressive posts or lack of understanding of what passive agression means.

1. Adults discuss issues face to face.

1. Adults don't put prawns heads or other fish in curtains.

1. Adults don't give the ghosting treatment in a relalionship because you haven't heard from your boyfriend in a week.

1. Adults are entitled to cut loses with family and close friends if they are damaging to you, your family and your kids.

Why are so many people afraid to be frank, speak their mind and cut loses even if they are family and close friends?

@sst1234

OP, not sure you sound particularly assertive, just finger wagging. Like you are telling everyone off. Hope you feel better for it now.

And your post is precisely what's wrong with many posters on Mumsnet. You are having a go at me instead of adressing the issue being raised.

The issue is precisely people posting in AIBU and then getting all huffy if told they are unreasonable. Maybe even calling it passive aggression. A bit like you are doing now. You are unreasonable, as is your tone as it comes across as telling people off. Hope that was more direct and less passive for you.

@sst1234

The issue is precisely people posting in AIBU and then getting all huffy if told they are unreasonable. Maybe even calling it passive aggression. A bit like you are doing now. You are unreasonable, as is your tone as it comes across as telling people off. Hope that was more direct and less passive for you.

I apologise if my tone is too strong. I'm quite reasonable but I feel strongly about this issue and it may be offputting the way I translate my feelings into a keyboard.

I honestly think too many women have learnt that being passive agressive is a more comfortable place than being outspoken and clear with their feelings for fear of the repercussions that women should strive for. Unfortunately being passive agressive oftens turns against our own selves.

I suppose I just want women to be direct, upfront and frank in the way we communicate. To acknowledge that most of us have issues within family, husbands, partners....but we still need to be open and frank about our feelings even it means ending relationships without resorting to passive agressive crap that's incredibly damaging to relationships.

I honestly were not trying to do a thread "look at me I'm faboulous" . I truly care about this issue.

direct, upfront and frank
I remember being direct, upfront and frank as a child, and I have seen my own and many other children say blunt things when they were young. I also remember many many instances of adults shushing me and other children, telling us NOT to state the thing we saw right in front of us. Children are born observant but are laboriously taught not to appear observant. In addition girls can see the negative repercussions when women around them are blunt: they are called bossy, mouthy, bitch, etc. Passive-aggressive speech is not adopted by choice. It is forced upon people when being direct is driven out of us, or when being direct is dangerous.

Absolutely agree

With DextrousCT

@Kbyodjs

I think you’re missing my point and your last response demonstrates that but I’ll leave it there.

I do think it’s worth saying though that at times you know that even if you can maturely discuss things then the other person cannot or won’t see your point and it can bring more peace just to withdraw from people.

But you are not withdrawing emotionally by using PA tactics, on the cool notary you are binding yourself to them and in the worst way.

If you had withdrawn emotionally you would feel neutral, free. That should always be the goal rather than a long held hostility.

I maintain that PA behaviour is emotional immaturity.

@sst1234

The issue is precisely people posting in AIBU and then getting all huffy if told they are unreasonable. Maybe even calling it passive aggression. A bit like you are doing now. You are unreasonable, as is your tone as it comes across as telling people off. Hope that was more direct and less passive for you.

I disagree.

The issue as I see it is posters taking the stance that AIBU is an open invitation to offload their unmet needs, to belittle, undermine, sneer, deride, and project. Those responses are very revealing of the posters' cowardice, the online equivalent of kicking a homeless person in a door at. Oh the satisfaction of attacking someone who cannot hit back, someone smaller and weaker. The adrenaline rush of momentarily feeling powerful. Beyond toxic, it is both pitiful and demeaning, and would be funny if it wasn't so sick.

@DextrousCT

direct, upfront and frank I remember being direct, upfront and frank as a child, and I have seen my own and many other children say blunt things when they were young. I also remember many many instances of adults shushing me and other children, telling us NOT to state the thing we saw right in front of us. Children are born observant but are laboriously taught not to appear observant. In addition girls can see the negative repercussions when women around them are blunt: they are called bossy, mouthy, bitch, etc. Passive-aggressive speech is not adopted by choice. It is forced upon people when being direct is driven out of us, or when being direct is dangerous.

Exactly

One of my biggest bugbears on here is "I don't like confrontation".

Newsflash, most people don't.

So they find a passive way of dealing with their problem and then vent their rage on here where they don't have to deal with the "confrontation"

Personally I think I'm a bit too direct. I can't be bothered to be subtle anymore. I'm never rude or aggressive though.

Dislike your use of ‘adults’. Adults behave in all kinds of ways. Think you’re talking about assertiveness.

From the perspective of transactional analysis your posts have a ‘parent to child’ tone, rather than ‘adult to adult’.

Agree that some MN posts suggest passive or passive aggressive responses to situations. For example, on a thread about a controlling family member booking a holiday suggested that the OP go along with it but close to the time lie and say she/her DC were unwell so couldn’t attend.

Everyone is different and not everyone can be forthcoming or forthright. Some people are passive due to their personality, others due to growing up in abusive households where you needed to be quiet and agreeable to have an easy life.

Some because they've been in abusive relationship where they needed to be agreeable and quiet.

Its hard to unlearn it, and learn to be robust, confident and clear.

"Why are so many people afraid to be frank, speak their mind and cut loses even if they are family and close friends?"

Because as humans we want to be authentic and autonomous - and also be accepted and loved. The compromise we reach between these two drives is uniquely individual - and not always a healthy balance.