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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter home for christmas

41 replies

Twinkletwinkie · 27/12/2021 18:31

Am I being unreasonable to expect DD who has come home from university for a few days to spend some time with us?
She didn't get out of bed until 2pm on Christmas day so missed family visitors. I did try to get her out of bed with no success.
She comes down to cook her own food, usually after 9pm as she sleeps most of the day then goes back to her room.
I'm just so upset as I was looking foward to seeing her. She is going back to her uni house tomorrow.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 27/12/2021 18:32

Um, I wouldn't be happy with that, no.

lborgia · 27/12/2021 18:34

Is she OK? Is this unusual for her?

If no concerns, then yes, Madame needs to at least make nice for a few hours on Christmas Day.

129orbust · 27/12/2021 18:36

No you are not being unreasonable at all - I would be very annoyed if DD1 did that.
Do you help her out financially when she is at Uni? If so, that makes it even worse. I ask this in case there is a drip feed and she is only home for a little while as she was worked up until 10pm on Christmas eve then drove back to see you so is exhausted.
Set your expectations now otherwise you'll be constantly let down.

Original poster

Twinkletwinkie · 27/12/2021 18:38

Not unusual for her sadly, would sleep 24/7 if she could. Just thought that as we have not seen her properly for a few months she would make the effort. Plus last year and the year before she worked Christmas day morning.

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 27/12/2021 18:40

Ask her if she’s writing a review for the hotel she’s staying in?
Honestly she’s taking the mick, what was the point of her coming home, she might as well have stayed at Uni.

WaltzingBetty · 27/12/2021 18:41

@Twinkletwinkie

She's either unwell or extremely rude

Original poster

Twinkletwinkie · 27/12/2021 18:43

129orbust
No drip feed. We support her financially at university. She does not have a job since she went into her 2nd year. We pay for her car, insurance, tax. Buy her all her clothes, have paid for three uk holidays for her this year.

OP posts:

Bonbon21 · 27/12/2021 18:46

... and you wonder why she has absolutely no respect for you.... act like a doormat you WILL be treated like one!!
You need to make house rules.. and no. 1 is that she has to be present when she visits you.

Funnylittlefloozie · 27/12/2021 18:47

In the nicest possible way, you sound like absolute mugs! Why hasn't she got a job,and why are you throwing such a lot of money at such an ungrateful little mare?

WaltzingBetty · 27/12/2021 18:47

@Twinkletwinkie

129orbust No drip feed. We support her financially at university. She does not have a job since she went into her 2nd year. We pay for her car, insurance, tax. Buy her all her clothes, have paid for three uk holidays for her this year.

When do you think she'll develop a work ethic?

Itsnotdeep · 27/12/2021 18:47

I wouldn't be happy with that either. My dds who are home from university (and the one in sixth form) do sleep in late, but they cook and eat with me. And on Christmas and Boxing day were downstairs all day.

Aren't you able to tell her that this isn't working for you, and while she's home, the following rules apply:.... ?

SecretKeeper1 · 27/12/2021 18:49

YABU for allowing her to miss family visitors on Christmas Day. There are expectations and that is one, it reflects badly on you as well as her, sorry!

Itsnotdeep · 27/12/2021 18:49

@Twinkletwinkie

129orbust No drip feed. We support her financially at university. She does not have a job since she went into her 2nd year. We pay for her car, insurance, tax. Buy her all her clothes, have paid for three uk holidays for her this year.

I didn't see this! Blimey. I pay something towards my girls, but they have to work, and they buy all of their own clothes . I'll pay for them to come on holiday with me, but if they want to go to a festival or on holiday with their friends, they have to pay. They will get cash for their birthday and occasionally I'll give them a bit extra to buy some clothes. They have to work.

She's taking the piss, but you're making it way too easy for her.

Original poster

Twinkletwinkie · 27/12/2021 18:51

I really don't know where to start to be honest. I have tried house rules but she ignores them. Maybe I've left it too late?
The only times I hear from her when she is at university is either to ask for more money because she has run out or if she is having some "crisis".

OP posts:

Original poster

Twinkletwinkie · 27/12/2021 18:55

Itsnotdeep
Before she went to uni she had a gap year so worked and she paid for everything herself. She had a job from year 11 through her A levels too.
Since she has been at uni though her attitude has changed.

OP posts:

BatshitBanshee · 27/12/2021 18:55

Cut her off. You're not a bank and if she can't respect you enough to speak or even participate in family activities while she's home, then let that be the end of the handouts. She can't behave like that, it's unacceptable. Stop the money for clothes, give her notice that the car payments etc will stop in 6 months and likewise rent if you're paying it. She needs to grow up.

129orbust · 27/12/2021 18:56

I am sorry.
There is no excuse then. DD1 is second year med and on top of the academic work has taken on a volunteering role in her Uni city so was tired for the first 24 hours of being at home - which is why I asked.
She also worked herself to a standstill through the summer and pays for all the things you list above herself. We do help out with accommodation costs as she can't quite manage that on her own. No independent holidays this past year - never mind three!
She has spent the last week caring for her grandmother and grandfather, alongside DH, DD2 and I, as they are staying with us for Christmas.
I am not writing this in a boastful way - though I am proud of DD1 and her sister for their kindness and hard work - but just to show you that she deserves a lot less than you are giving and you deserve a lot more than your are getting

SecretKeeper1 · 27/12/2021 18:57

For starters you tell her you’re embarrassed that she didn’t come down on Christmas Day, that the family must be hurt and/or worried something is wrong, and that it makes you look shit too. There is not a cat in hells chance my kids would get away with that.

And then you tell her she’s not welcome again unless she pulls her weight. And while you’re at it tell her there’ll be no more hand outs or free holidays until she learns to be a decent, polite, sociable human.

You’ve fucked up here, you need to sort it out.

user1487194234 · 27/12/2021 19:02

We fully support our DC at Uni
They don't behave like your DD when they are home for the holidays,particularly Christmas

idiotmagnet · 27/12/2021 19:02

Mine is home and manages to socialise with her mates; sleep excessively and spend time with us. She usually emerges around lunchtime but the rest of the day is spent with us and she comes on dog walks etc. She also took charge of various dishes on xmas day. She's never up before midday most days and sees friends most evenings but we have her for every afternoon and she is lovely and cooperative during that time, so I'm ok with the late-rising. I also get how important seeing friends is as she works hard at uni and misses her school friends.

lborgia · 27/12/2021 19:06

Not too late, change the financial arrangement to bare minimum required, so accommodation or whatever, and say you're more than happy to keep listening and seeing her whenever she's up from college, but that your don't think it's actually helping her to financially cover everything. She's obviously lost her work ethic, and capacity for standing on her own 2 feet.

I'm trying really hard not to wonder whether she's drinking heavily/ taking drugs more than a bit. Certainly the all day sleeping could go with that.

LowlandsAway · 27/12/2021 19:09

Two things spring to mind:

Firstly she sounds impossibly spoilt and as PP said you need to make it clear to her no more handouts until she behaves like an adult. That part is up to you to fix.

Secondly, if her attitude’s only really changed since uni and she’s started sleeping all day I’d be pretty concerned about drugs.

thistimeofyear · 27/12/2021 19:12

I get all the comments that she gets given a lot but.....
If she is not seeing anyone she may well be struggling ? Not wanting to go out and or do anything are signs of self esteem issues

SecretKeeper1 · 27/12/2021 19:20

@thistimeofyear

I get all the comments that she gets given a lot but..... If she is not seeing anyone she may well be struggling ? Not wanting to go out and or do anything are signs of self esteem issues

Good point.

Is she depressed / suicidal?
Is she on drugs?

SecretKeeper1 · 27/12/2021 19:21

OP, what did the family members say when she didnt come to say hello. I assume they were looking forward to seeing her?

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