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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter home for christmas

41 replies

Twinkletwinkie · 27/12/2021 18:31

Am I being unreasonable to expect DD who has come home from university for a few days to spend some time with us?
She didn't get out of bed until 2pm on Christmas day so missed family visitors. I did try to get her out of bed with no success.
She comes down to cook her own food, usually after 9pm as she sleeps most of the day then goes back to her room.
I'm just so upset as I was looking foward to seeing her. She is going back to her uni house tomorrow.

OP posts:

WaltzingBetty · 27/12/2021 19:34

@Twinkletwinkie

Itsnotdeep Before she went to uni she had a gap year so worked and she paid for everything herself. She had a job from year 11 through her A levels too. Since she has been at uni though her attitude has changed.

Could she be involved in drugs? Then need for money and personality change is a concern

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2021 19:45

@Twinkletwinkie

Then you send her back with a budget. And when it's gone, it's gone.

PinkiOcelot · 27/12/2021 19:56

I would sit down and have a chat with her OP, if her attitude has changed since she went to Uni. Just to check all is ok.

DukeofEarlGrey · 27/12/2021 20:03

First, I would check if everything is ok since the sleeping all day could be a sign of depression. Also, if this is an established pattern is she keeping up with her uni attendance?

But if all is well then yes, it's extremely rude to the parents who are supporting her far more than most students would expect. She sounds pretty entitled based on your post alone.

thistimeofyear · 27/12/2021 20:30

I have a 17 yr old DD who sleeps a LOT! She is also very lonely and it’s hard for her with social media seeing “everyone doing things” - I try to be understanding but don’t get me wrong it also drives me mad if she stays in her room all day. She is starting a new job on Thursday and I pray she sticks at this one because hopefully it will give her a bit of self confidence and her own money which I think is important . She does have a bf at the moment so she is lucky - if she didn’t I would be seriously worried for her mental health and isolation. Nothing I suggest helps and she won’t accept the GP call I arranged. She had 1 counselling call but wouldn’t do any more - I think It is v tough world for girls - be kind - I know you are doing your best OP x

Overitallnow · 27/12/2021 20:32

My daughter is back from uni and she doesn't get up until lunchtime - I think that's how teenagers are. However, if we had guests over she would absolutely be up and engaged. And was today. I would not be impressed if she wasn't and it would be a problem.
Stop paying for the car - Uni students don't need one.

gamerchick · 27/12/2021 20:35

@Twinkletwinkie

129orbust No drip feed. We support her financially at university. She does not have a job since she went into her 2nd year. We pay for her car, insurance, tax. Buy her all her clothes, have paid for three uk holidays for her this year.

We reap what we sow with our kids. Not really sure what you want people to say.

Stop the arse wiping, it's time she learned a bit about life. Or suck it up.

Itsnotdeep · 27/12/2021 20:51

If there's been a change while she's been away, I wonder if it's because of her friends/people she mixes with? My dd has been shocked by the level of wealth and spending at her universitty and we're not poor. Her friend who has gone to another (even more private school) university has transformed into a complete rich sloane in a term! Maybe that's it, she's lost touch with reality.

Anyway I would lay down house rules and say she can't come back if she doesn't stick to them, and give her a fixed sum each term that once it's gone, it's gone. If she wants holidays and clothes, she needs to work for them.

I don't mind my dd sleeping all morning, but I do mind her being disrespectful and lazy.

Original poster

Twinkletwinkie · 27/12/2021 20:54

Thanks everyone for the advice. Yes I have definitely f'd up. I realise she is a spoiled brat. All my fault.

We will be sitting her down before she goes back to uni as this cannot carry on. The first thing for her to do is to get a job and we will stop paying for the car.

I did tell her to message the family members who she missed seeing to apologise to them.

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 27/12/2021 20:54

Not unusual for her sadly, would sleep 24/7 if she could

DD sleeps a lot, but she has CFS. Are you absolutely sure that there isn't a reason why your DD sleeps such a lot?

Houseplantmad · 27/12/2021 20:56

On a completely different note, our first year DD sleeps a lot and was told she was low in iron recently. She cooks from fresh and eats very well so I was quite shocked but it explains her low energy at times. Maybe yours is the same?

I think you need to withdraw some of the financial cushion your DD has so she gets a jobs and can make her own decisions with her own money and can have some goals.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate the behaviour
you've experienced though but I guess you will need to tread gently so you don't alienate her to get to the bottom of it and make it clear it's unacceptable. It may be easier to write this down for her.

Bagelsandbrie · 27/12/2021 21:03

@Overitallnow

My daughter is back from uni and she doesn't get up until lunchtime - I think that's how teenagers are. However, if we had guests over she would absolutely be up and engaged. And was today. I would not be impressed if she wasn't and it would be a problem. Stop paying for the car - Uni students don't need one.

This.

My dd is also home from university and sleeps until 2ish if we’re not doing anything. She just loves to sleep and I do think that’s fairly normal for that age. But on Christmas Day she got up at 7.30am because her little brother aged 9 was very excited and wanted to come downstairs and open presents etc.

Stop paying for everything. Utter madness. Dd has full student loans etc and we just give her the odd £10-20 here and there and pay for her phone (£20 a month). Anything more than that she needs to get a job!

GrumpyTerrier · 27/12/2021 21:17

It sounds quite usual for many of the students I have known. Not ideal but many people are useless through their early/mid 20s and students in particular. I understand why you are not pleased. As long as you are sure there is nothing else going on with her, she'll grow out of it.

VioletLemon · 27/12/2021 21:25

@Twinkletwinkie, I know you feel hurt now but this hurt is nothing in comparison to how you'll feel when she's in her 30s and behaving in the same way.

Time to buckle up and give her the chance of becoming a fully fledged adult. She will gain loads in self esteem and be more confident. It's hard at that age but often uni ageadult kids can suffer from a real fear of adulthood, lack of self esteem etc. What's she got to be proud of if you do it all for her. You could try making her a coffee in her bed and tell her how much you miss her company and it would be great to head out for a walk as you'd much rather spend the time you have with her. Be humorous about it but come down hard on the withdrawal of all services!! Even if it's gradual, she will blossom.

BirdsBirdsBird · 27/12/2021 21:42

My University DD was sleeping similar amounts on the first few days home. After 3 days I said the new rule was that everyone had to be up, washed and dressed by 12.30 unless they were ill. Given that we had various outings planned, which she knew about, I felt this was fair. She pouted a bit but has got up since then. On Christmas Day we discussed what time we were getting up and she agreed to 8.30.

Mind you, I did ask if she could help with prepping food on Christmas Eve and she instead disappeared off to her friend's house all day but no-one is perfect!

ChristmasFluff · 28/12/2021 11:52

This has been a change since going to university. OP, poeple do not become spoiled brats overnight.

But they can become depressed. Suicidal even. Maybe addicted to drugs, Sleeping their life away is a sign something is not right. Opting out of family life is the same.

If you do sit her down, make it a talk where you show concern, because if you lay down the law like you appear to be planning to, this might be the last time you see her, for one reason or another.

Whatever was going on with my son, I would never feel the need to list all the things I did for him - that's just what parents do - look after their children. The 3 holidays isn't great, but I doubt it has bearing on her suddenly becoming like this once she got to university.

Really worrying that so many people are rushing to judgment on this lassie when they have only heard one side of the story. Sad no-one has thought to suggest the simple option of chatting with her to find out why she is behaving like this.

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