Looking after a kid not productive

[HobgoblinGold]

Slip of the tongue comment from DH who always seems to manage to find something else to do than look after our baby girl. When I asked him why he always seemed to find a 'project', he responds by saying to feel productive. I pick him up on it assuring him that keeping a kid alive is very productive! He recognises what he said and realised his thought error. We will talk about this thought process more. So

AIBU - just a thrown away comment that means nothing? Or

AINBU - deep down he doesn't view looking after kids as 'productive'

You’re sounding quite controlling tbh OP. It’s not a ‘thought error’, you can’t control what he thinks and feels.
I’m someone who likes to be productive and get stuff done and I sometimes feel frustrated when looking after my young children. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, enjoy their company or place value on time spent with them, but sometimes I just want to get some other shit done.

I like to be 'productive' too. But my priority is looking after the kids. It feels like my DH instead does activities to feel productive. I don't have this luxury. It feels like we've settled into a 1950s lifestyle where I look after kids and home and the husband does other 'more important stuff'. It's an interesting comment that altgough I don't feel he's being purposefully sexist, it feeds into a societal status quo where motherhood (parenting) is generally undervalued.

Are you the primary carer? Do you perhaps feel hurt thar it seems like he doesn’t appreciate that caring for a child is worthwhile work.
For what it’s worth, I adore my daughter but I do find it frustrating sometimes that I can’t just get into a task because I am caring for her. He probably isn’t putting you down.

The unproductive comment wouldn’t particularly concern me in itself, like I said it’s how I feel a lot of the time, but it sounds it’s just part of a bigger issue.

It’s not okay for him to leave all of the childcare to you so he can keep his time free to do other more ‘important’ things, and you should also have some child free time protected to do whatever you want.

Raising children is obviously massively important but we all need a break sometimes. It needs to be fairly balanced between you.

I think you’re unfairly analysing this comment!

I love my son, but I wouldn’t term being his parent as “doing something productive”. Just like I love my DH but I wouldn’t class is going on a date as “doing something productive”.

To me doing something “productive” is completing a short term task. I assume that’s similar to how your DH defines it in his mind.
He is not wrong for simply saying that. And him classifying other things as productive but not parenting doesn’t mean he’s undervaluing parenting.

It seems like your issue is more to do with the fact that your DH is somehow wiggling out of to e hard work of parenting. Surely that needs to be the focus of your discussion with him, rather than arguing pedantry with a phrase he used. I think you’re being distracted by the wrong thing and therefore not tackling the actual issue.

I think childcare, housework and cooking are called reproductive. They are so essential but fall within the area of ephemera, whereas making a table, for example, means producing something that people will look at for years afterwards and remember you made it.

I kind of get where he’s coming from. I’ve found it quite a challenge to refocus my need to be busy and sense of accomplishment onto looking after my kids.

My biggest challenge was that I felt resentment of the fact that, whenever there was something that needed doing, DH would jump up and do it and I’d be left holding the baby. He thought he was being amazingly helpful (and he was in many ways), but I felt like I was never able to put the baby down, and also like I wasn’t able to decide what I wanted to do, or prioritize the tasks I thought were important. Most of it was trivial - like DH would go and tidy the garden for two hours whilst I looked after the kids, but the washing would desperately need doing and dinner prepping, and then dinner would be late, child over tired etc.

Also, sometime I just wanted to do the washing up alone in the kitchen whilst singling along to the radio, or spend an hour by myself at the allotment!

I don't think it's a "thought error" - weird phrase btw.

I can multi task so can look after kids and usually get other stuff done (housework, cooking, gardening etc). My ex was not so good at that and always found a reason to disappear off to do some DIY job and not look after DC. I found it frustrating but it is somewhat understandable. Looking after kids can be boring and if other things need doing it can feel like time is being wasted. You do have to reframe it and try to see that quality time spent with your children is positive and jobs need to be fitted around this in discussion with the other parent.

I completely understand him, tbh. I find it incredibly frustrating not being able to get on with stuff because I'm looking after my son, and always have (he's 3). There is such a small window of time to do things now (once he's in bed).

My partner and I take it in turns to be productive. Maybe you feel he needs to take over the parenting more often and let you do get on with things?

It does feel unproductive though. Your kid is alive at the end of the day but you don't see any marked movement forward or change like you do when you, say, do your taxes or reorganise a room. I don't think it's a weird slip of the tongue but obviously he should be supporting you more.

He didn't even say looking after a lid wasn't productive, according to your OP, just that he preferred other things because they make him feel productive.

I know what he means, to be honest. Putting up a shelf, painting a wall or cooking dinner gives me more of a sense of having "got something done" than keeping a child alive for the afternoon.

In other words, I don't think he made a "thought error". He needs to address how his comment made you "feel" though.

I completely get where you’re coming from OP, and I suspect the other posters aren’t left looking after the children while the H gets on with his own projects, leaving them very little time to themselves.

Yanbu. If it was a slip of the tongue u wouldn’t get him consistently acting like this. You should point out that you also have a list of things to do (your priorities - to feel ‘productive’).

If he does not hold the baby, then either her does not think it is a worthwhile thing compared to his tasks; or he thinks his tasks are more important than yours; or he thinks he is not capable of it (maybe u need to pump milk or something if baby needs it during ur task). It is worth pointing this out to him.

I think op is right about his beliefs because his actions of not physically caring for baby back this up. It is possible that he has some other line of reasoning eg fear, so it is worth asking him.

Interesting because i think my oh is like this! I think he just doesnt enjoy playing with them

OP, you're totally right. The whole distinction b/w 'productive' and 're/unproductive' work is designed to devalue the kind of work traditionally and still predominantly done by women. Pure ideology.

Tellingly, it's made by both mainstream economists, who don't count unpaid care work as part of GDP, and Marxists who invented the productive/reproductive distinction. Go figure.

See also the description of much basic care and cleaning work als 'unskilled'. Didn't seem unskilled to me, trying to feed a relative with brain tumours. And if cleaning isn't a skill, why is my husband so bad at it?

Looking after a very young child has a large impact on the personality the child will form when they grow up. Also how much they learn when they are with a carer.

Does your DH just ensure your daughter is kept alive or does he aid in her emotional wellbeing and development. It may not feel like it,but those who do the latter are definitely being productive. Learning to talk, walk ,being confident, etc. is largely down to the work care givers put in.

He recognises what he said and realised his thought error. We will talk about this thought process more.

YABVU to describe it as a 'thought error' and invalidate him. However, he is also BVU if he leaves you holding the baby to escape into other projects. The latter is what needs looking at.

I really struggled with feelings like this when my first baby was little. I was so used to ticking things off a to do list at work and looking after a child is so different to that. It didn't mean I dont think looking after children is not worthwhile. I just felt like I hadn't completed anything, and I'm someone who always has a mental list of things I want or need to do so it is difficult to go from that to one thing of 'look after kids'

But yes it's not his thought process, it's his actions - he sounds like he is avoiding his responsibilities and that's not ok

It's not productive though is it? Great, I've just played 26 games of peekaboo but there's still a mountain of washing to do/bathroom to clean/kitchen to repaint

If he's not pulling his weight and doing his share of childcare and the jobs that need doing, then that's a problem and needs tackling.

Like what activities does he do? My friends really lovely husband doesn't stop doing things and cannot rest. Has to have a project on all the time. They bought a house in need of repair recently and now he doesn't stop working on that unless they were going somewhere. Their kids are older now but he's always been the same. Is his activity benefitting the family as a whole?

I remember when my kids were starting school, the school invited us to a talk by an educational psychologist about how people learn. He stood in front of this classroom full of (majority SAH) mums and told us how important it was to allow children to tackle and master tasks themselves, because of the dopamine that is produced in the body when you successfully complete a task. And collectively 27 women rolled their eyes at him, because we all knew fine what it meant to go without the dopamine high of ever being able to finish a task, having spent by that time 6 years looking after small children!

What I am trying to say is: looking after children is work. It needs to be done, bad things happen if you don't do it. It doesn't feel productive, but that doesn't mean it's not important. And it is pretty selfish of the secondary carer to claim all those "productive" jobs for themselves, have the dopamine rush of a simple job easily completed and then expect a pat on the back for how useful they are being.

I wouldn't class looking after my children as productive, it's just everyday life, it's not a chore, it's not tiresome, it's just an everyday part of life, i like to have hobbies and projects alongside caring for my children and working, helps me feel like I'm busy.