To ask why he only gives one of three kids a gift or just go NC?

[Ruralbliss]

Not sure where to start but will try to be brief.

My dad (77, lives in France thank goodness) is a bloody odd man & grandad to my three kids. His only ones.

For two years running now he's sent a gift to my son but not his sisters.

Well last year he sent £50 to my son, sent his twin sister some badges and their younger sister some itchy woollen mittens.

This year an Amazon gift for my son and nothing for the girls - both of whom have severe anxiety and are wondering why grandad doesn't like them. I've checked via email if there are gifts for the girls on their way or should I give them the socks he sent in my package (with a book I love). Answer was 'give the girls the socks I hope they like them'

My son is nearly 19, autistic & ADHD has left home, earns good money. This probably isn't relevant.

When he was little (9) my dad shouted at my son right in his face, punched him in the back on the way to the gents in a restaurant resulting in tears, horror, confusion and upset. He then used to sneak him money when he came to visit but not give any to the girls.

When I was 11 my dad ceased talking to me despite living in the same house for TEN YEARS. I developed severe anorexia then bulimia which magically evaporated when I left home.

My dad is a retired professor. We were taken to stately homes & on nice holidays.

AIBU to tell/ask my clearly nutty/nasty dad wtf is his reasoning for sending (crap) gifts to one child or WIBU to not reply to his email, wait until he next phones me (it will be many months) & explain how crap I think his behaviour is.

Also with going no contact WIBU to explain my reasoning to distance myself and my girls from his hurtful ways or do I just do it and leave him wondering where we went?

My girls have just pointed out that it has been them rather than their brother who has made the long journey with me to visit their grandad. Ffs.

Also with going no contact WIBU to explain my reasoning to distance myself and my girls from his hurtful ways or do I just do it and leave him wondering where we went?

Keep this horrible man out of yours and your children’s lives. Just cut contact with him. You don’t even owe him any explanation. Well, I suppose you could tell him after 10 years of NC.

Seriously, why is he in your life at all. He is very toxic.

@Ruralbliss if your df lives in France he can’t disinherit you. French inheritance law applies to all french residents.

This horrible old bastard knows you are going to put up with anything to make sure you don't get written out of his will!.
I know its difficult because he sounds like he is worth a few Bob but he's been abusing you for yesrs and now he is doing the same to your daughters. He treats them as if they are invisible and of no importance just like he did to you when he stopped speaking to you for 10 whole bloody years!. That in itself is utterly abusive. Thumping your son in the back is so so nasty. How on earth did you continue to have any relationship with him?
He clearly doesn't give a damn about any of you and just enjoys seeing you dancing to his sick tune because he knows you don't want to lose the inheritance.

Thanks very much everyone (apart from @esloquehay I really can't stand the victim blamers or naysayers on here doubting a person's shitty circs - not needed or helpful)

Yes I can execute and be a major beneficiary. It's an English will but will be executed under French law.
He did a lot of urgent end of life planning with me & my brother when the pandemic started. It's extremely complicated but he's written it all out now and at my insistence got a good friend as a third beneficiary.
I actually don't give a stuff about being disowned.

I have v v v low contact and he hasn't been to ours for years. He'd just come unannounced. From fucking France so never occurred to me to shut the door in his face.

I speak to him maybe twice a year for ten mins. He calls me leaves a message and I tend not to call back. Sometimes I take his call to tell him some important news or ask his advice on stuff. He is my one and only dad after all.

For those of you lucky enough to not grown up with a dreadful parent you don't actually realise you don't have to put up with their shite until someone points it out to you. You don't even realise their shite is shite until you do.
I had therapy. And yes I referenced the stately homes thread.

I'll draft a reply to the 'let them have socks' email to be something like 'I'm really amazed that someone can treat their grandchildren so differently especially as the girls voyaged to see you but then history repeating itself with him treating me like a total bastard but not my brother. It's not ok' (a least favourite memory is me walking in the rain to the bus stop to catch the bus to school & dad's car whizzing past me with my brother being driven all the way to school - we went to the same sodding school)

He's emotionally abused you for years and he's doing it to your children now. You don't owe him anything.

You're coming across a bit arsey, there's no need.

I really do recommend the book if you haven't read it.

It's good that you're very low contact already, I think you just need to limit further and not allow any gifts to any of the children, and certainly don't allow him to contact any of them directly.

I dont understand why you are so hung up on the present discrepancies. He does it for exactly the same reason that he has done all the other many vile things throughout your life. Because he's a vile human being. What do you expect? Fairness and kindness??

Is your DF autistic too? Only wondering as autism affects every generation of my family. It wouldn't "excuse" his behaviour but it might explain his lack of empathy and lack of social skills.

Sod why. Who cares?

OP. Have a good conversation with your kids, daughters: granddad is a weird old coot. Then keep as low contact as possible. Let him do what he does and just see it as amusing, you don't have to understand why. Just acknowledge that this is who he is and it has nothing to do with who you are.

And then yes, look forward to the complexity and hassle of being his executor.

There's nothing else you can do that would be of benefit to you. He won't change. So change how you see his behaviour. Laugh at it/ him

Yes @HunterGatherer I think you might be right. He most probably is autistic and therefore has no idea the harm he causes.
I see this in my son.

But also yes @HoardingSamphireSaurus too bloody right. Who cares why and time to not give a monkeys about him or his weirdness.

I don't think the girls are too concerned that they didn't get a rubbish present from their rubbish grandad although anxious 18 year has stated 'He obviously hates us'
Have pointed out this probably isn't true & even if it is then it's of no matter as he's a dodgy nutty elderly bloke in another country.

Op I don't want to put the onus on you here but why are your girls aware they they crap whist their brother gets nicer stuff?

I'd Just spread out what he gets or don't say anything about it at all and say nothing comes from grandad. But they shoud not ever know what really if you can divert the stuff and hide it?

Yes @Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas this would have been the best thing but unfortunately the parcel for my son was one of many Amazon parcels addressed to various people who were here for Xmas under the tree. Including those sent by my son to himself here as gifts for others to be wrapped so couldn't have realised the situation.

Not sure how I'd prevent the same situation happening next time either other than opening all Amazon parcels regardless of who they're addressed to which is obviously not on.

I didn't speak to my dad before Xmas but sent him a box of old photos and a couple of his books my mum had unearthed when moving last summer. I chucked in a Xmas card and some chocolate and chutney so I'm assuming this made him realise it was Xmas which prompted him to send the gifts to me and my son and an email to me saying how thrilled he was to have received the parcel.

A few years ago he got into the habit of whinging at me how his friends' offspring and grandkids came to visit their French based parents at Xmas. I pointed out that they probably had a rather different relationship to ours and perhaps hadn't been physically or emotionally abusive to their kids or grandkids but as he had we would never be spending Xmas anywhere other than at my house (with his ex wife my mum).

Cut contact with your abuser.

Somebody, a grown adult, punched your 9 year old and you continue to have a relationship with them!?!
What the actual fuck!?!

It's very tricky but I wouldn't allow children to be treated differently.

My own dds were treated differently one Xmas where a gift was given to the older child but not to the younger. We have not been back. And an email went out immediately to give the dc the same.

@foxgoosefinch

If I remember correctly I don’t think you can be an executor and a major beneficiary of a will? So by having you as an executor has he just given you a load of work plus let you know you won’t be benefitting? I’d rescind your agreement to do it.

On him - what a nasty man. He didn’t talk to you for ten years? While you were a teenager? My dad’s a horrible old man a lot of the time but even he has never done anything like that

Go low contact. Don’t let your kids see him. Divide up the money between the kids and tell your DS it’s his duty to share any gifts from Horrible Grandad with his sisters. And yes please get some therapy. You deserve recovery from this horrible horrible man

Yes you can be an executor and a beneficiary. Unless a solicitor is appointed, executors almost always are a beneficiary.

OP, you can stay named as executor but appoint a solicitor to act when the time comes. Obviously there will be a cost, but that's what I'd do in your shoes.