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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why he only gives one of three kids a gift or just go NC?

41 replies

Ruralbliss · 26/12/2021 20:15

Not sure where to start but will try to be brief.

My dad (77, lives in France thank goodness) is a bloody odd man & grandad to my three kids. His only ones.

For two years running now he's sent a gift to my son but not his sisters.

Well last year he sent £50 to my son, sent his twin sister some badges and their younger sister some itchy woollen mittens.

This year an Amazon gift for my son and nothing for the girls - both of whom have severe anxiety and are wondering why grandad doesn't like them. I've checked via email if there are gifts for the girls on their way or should I give them the socks he sent in my package (with a book I love). Answer was 'give the girls the socks I hope they like them'

My son is nearly 19, autistic & ADHD has left home, earns good money. This probably isn't relevant.

When he was little (9) my dad shouted at my son right in his face, punched him in the back on the way to the gents in a restaurant resulting in tears, horror, confusion and upset. He then used to sneak him money when he came to visit but not give any to the girls.

When I was 11 my dad ceased talking to me despite living in the same house for TEN YEARS. I developed severe anorexia then bulimia which magically evaporated when I left home.

My dad is a retired professor. We were taken to stately homes & on nice holidays.

AIBU to tell/ask my clearly nutty/nasty dad wtf is his reasoning for sending (crap) gifts to one child or WIBU to not reply to his email, wait until he next phones me (it will be many months) & explain how crap I think his behaviour is.

Also with going no contact WIBU to explain my reasoning to distance myself and my girls from his hurtful ways or do I just do it and leave him wondering where we went?

My girls have just pointed out that it has been them rather than their brother who has made the long journey with me to visit their grandad. Ffs.

OP posts:

EerieSilence · 26/12/2021 20:18

Any chance he still feels guilty about punching your son? Or he is an old misogynistic goat who doesn't believe that girls are worth a nice present?

Theunamedcat · 26/12/2021 20:18

Tell him he is being a nasty nasty man and he needs to either treat them equally or fuck off

refraction · 26/12/2021 20:21

Not unreasonable at all. Call him out and be prepared to go NC. Awful behaviour. Feel for you op.

StopGoQuitStart · 26/12/2021 20:25

Hold on your dad didn’t talk to you for Ten (10???) years when you were a child living in his home?? What like he just didn’t communicate with his daughter?? Wtf. Why is he even in your life now?? That’s before we get to the s using your son and treating your daughters like shit bit. Seriously he can’t be worth keeping in touch with?

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 26/12/2021 20:25

You need to step in here immediately. Do not be complicit with this.

Do NOT allow your dad to give a present to your son. If he does (and you can't control that), then actively send gifts to your daughters "from him". But ideally reject his gifts to your son and explain to your son he's a nasty man who isn't being fair with his siblings so none of them need his gifts.

He's segregating the kids and this will stay with them. It seems he has a thing against women/girls.

Personally I would go NC with him. He's a nasty mind fucky person who clearly lacks emotions. None of your kids need him in their lives. And I suspect you don't either. Im surprised you're able to forgive him for how he mistreated you. It's abuse what he did to you.

Your job now is to emotionally protect your kids. You can do this by rejecting your father completely.

SouthOfFrance · 26/12/2021 20:25

He didn't speak to you for 10 years?

StopGoQuitStart · 26/12/2021 20:26

Abusuainf your son. Sorry typo and sorry excessive ?? In my post but you’ve genuinely floored me with this one

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 26/12/2021 20:31

He sounds like an abusive cunt that is doing everything to hurt as many people as possible.

Shamoo · 26/12/2021 20:35

Well he sounds horrific. I would message him in no uncertain terms to say it’s unacceptable and you either need a commitment moving forward that he will treat all of your children the same (meaning the same value spent on gifts, not just a gift being sent) or you will no longer be able to have contact with him. If feeling brave, I would add that you will not allow him to treat your daughters with the same nastiness he treated you as a child, as you cannot abide bullies. Then stand by it.

Honestly he sounds horrific.

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2021 20:36

"When he was little (9) my dad shouted at my son right in his face, punched him in the back on the way to the gents in a restaurant resulting in tears, horror, confusion and upset."

Why on earth did you continue to see him after this, and to subject your children to him?

Did you and your daughters just go to France to visit him - did i read that right?!!

STOP. Just stop. And get therapy.

DinoDinner · 26/12/2021 21:45

Your job now is to emotionally protect your kids. You can do this by rejecting your father completely.

Exactly this. Get this toxic piece of shit out you and your children's lives.

Squeezita · 26/12/2021 21:59

@EerieSilence

Any chance he still feels guilty about punching your son? Or he is an old misogynistic goat who doesn't believe that girls are worth a nice present?

Depressing when the very post seeks to justify the man’s behaviour

pumpkinpie01 · 26/12/2021 22:10

I think you need to go no contact with him , he doesn't deserve to be a dad or a grandad . I don't even know where to start with his disgusting behaviour!

Original poster

Ruralbliss · 26/12/2021 22:14

Yes not much in it for me or my kids is there.

I'm down as executor of his will when his time comes and to say it'll be an enormous undertaking is an understatement. It would take me two days to get there, I can't speak French and he has a huge house filled with uncatalogued but expensive stuff - a fleet of classic cars, vintage radios, hand built high end models, no end of junk, furniture blah blah blah.
I'd happily step down of this hideous duty but it will fall to my brother.
Plus I assume I'd get written out of the will so not an insignificant decision.

How would one go about going NC?

(a) Announce it and state it's because he continues to be a toxic oddball to me and the kids (I have just remembered how I plucked up the courage last year to point out on the phone how crap it was to send £50 to one kid and not the others. I seem to recall he got the hump and hung up on me)

(b) Just not get in touch.

I might chat to my brother about implications of not helping out when he dies.

Yes ten years of ignoring me. I said to my best friend as we walked to school one day 'Weird thing at home. My dad won't speak to me' we were first year seniors.
He started speaking to me again when I was 21 at university & my best mate died.

OP posts:

Waspsarearseholes · 26/12/2021 22:16

WTF? He refused to speak to you between the ages of 11 and 21, whilst you shared a home, he punched your child, shouted in his face and refuses to acknowledge your daughters? What the hell would it take for you to tell him to jog the fuck on?!

foxgoosefinch · 26/12/2021 22:29

If I remember correctly I don’t think you can be an executor and a major beneficiary of a will? So by having you as an executor has he just given you a load of work plus let you know you won’t be benefitting? I’d rescind your agreement to do it.

On him - what a nasty man. He didn’t talk to you for ten years? While you were a teenager? My dad’s a horrible old man a lot of the time but even he has never done anything like that

Go low contact. Don’t let your kids see him. Divide up the money between the kids and tell your DS it’s his duty to share any gifts from Horrible Grandad with his sisters. And yes please get some therapy. You deserve recovery from this horrible horrible man

flashy44 · 26/12/2021 22:31

@Waspsarearseholes

All of what Waspsareareseholes said

foxgoosefinch · 26/12/2021 22:31

Ah just looked it up and apparently you can be a beneficiary as well as an executor. But I still wouldn’t do it!

QuestionNumberOne · 26/12/2021 22:32

Why did you stay in contact with him after he punched and abused your son?

Yes, go NC.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2021 22:33

If you step down as executor or go no contact he might write you out of his will, but given his seemingly sexist perspectives on worth, why are you assuming you're IN it?

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2021 22:33

B, obviously. If he contacts you, don't respond.

You don't actually have to go no contact if you don't want to, or don't feel ready. You could go very low contact instead. So for example you could respond if he contacts you but keep it short and small talk. Send him a message or card at Christmas and his birthday. That kind of thing. But don't bother going to visit him, don't invite him to visit you. And definitely do not facilitate or allow contact between him and your children.

I strongly advise you to read 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

Have you ever come across the Stately Homes threads on here?

GrolliffetheDragon · 26/12/2021 22:37

If I remember correctly I don’t think you can be an executor and a major beneficiary of a will?

No, it's fine. You can't be a witness to the will of your benefiting, but you can be executor.

AnotherEmma · 26/12/2021 22:37

Also, the will is a red herring. I would ignore that issue, personally. Just because he appoints you executor doesn't mean you have to do the work. You can renounce or appoint someone else to act on your behalf. Having said that, I know about wills in England, but not France.

Let him put whatever he wants in his will and worry about it after he's died. You can't offend him after he's dead. (Not that it would be the end of the world if you offended him, but it sounds as if you don't want to, or at least not at the moment.)

esloquehay · 26/12/2021 22:40

This all sounds a bit, well, not real, BUT in giving the benefit of the doubt...
Are you really telling us that you are allowing a physically and emotionally abusive male to stay in contact, as going NC might jeopardise your inheritance?
Bloody hell...

Sally872 · 26/12/2021 22:41

Why would you stay in contact? There is no good reason too.

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