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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I ruin Christmas?

75 replies

Twistedunicorn · 26/12/2021 18:17

Basically that really? We went to mils for dinner and my son was being a typical 3 year old ... tantrums all day, throwing dinner everywhere,climbing all over me and just being a little **it (don't come at me...you've all thought it about kids at one point!) I stopped trying to enjoy myself ,stopped drinking n just wanted to take him home to his bed but hos dad wanted us all to stay and at least try enjoy ourselves.. he spent most of the night in the kitchen - this is my 1st Christmas without my dad so I wasn't really feeling it in the first place and my sons behaving just wasn't helping 😢 I've spent all day and night arguing with my partner today because my "face was tripping me all night" and the fact I wanted to go home makes me ungrateful.

OP posts:

vixeyann · 26/12/2021 19:16

Very difficult to have a good time when you are trying to fire fight a child's behaviour and when it's you doing the lion's share. Perhaps he could have taken over so you could pop into the kitchen to enjoy yourself too!

Lilymossflower · 26/12/2021 19:17

Why the fuck didn't your husband look after the kid and let you chill if he wanted to stay, was my first thoughts on reading this.

Your other posts have only magnified that your husband is the problem here

Original poster

Twistedunicorn · 26/12/2021 19:18

I'm the one always made to feel like I'm in the wrong, always saying sorry and we always have the same argument (once a week or so) I think it's getting to that stage we'll argue that bad one day one of us will walk away

OP posts:

viques · 26/12/2021 19:21

Three is a difficult age for exciting events like Christmas, they get all overwhelmed and excited, but don’t really understand why, everything is upside down, too much disruption, too many new things happening, they pick up on the stress but don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with it or express their feelings.

So it wasn’t your child’s fault, it all got too much for them. Next year will be marginally better!

Can’t unfortunately make any excuses for your partner who should have been more understanding of your child and also of your feelings re the loss of your dad.

AutumnAlmanack · 26/12/2021 19:27

Maybe teach your child to behave more respectfully to its grandparents?

Original poster

Twistedunicorn · 26/12/2021 19:31

Which is why I was embarrassed about his behaviour, he's never acted like that before n due to his new health condition discipline is failing cause dh let's him away with murder

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 26/12/2021 19:34

@AutumnAlmanack

Maybe teach your child to behave more respectfully to its grandparents?

You've met 3yos right?

It's a difficult age.

Add to that a 3yo on Christmas Day who's not getting enough sleep, has epilepsy and on on new meds and you think it's a disrespect issue?

OP you need an open conversation with DH. You are both really scared right now and dealing with this your own way. You need to talk and find a way to deal with it together. Get yourself on epilepsy support groups etc.

My da has a neurological condition and I find the only people who get it are those who's children have the same condition.

It certainly isn't the (well meaning ..... but......) people who think they can tell me how to cope with ds rare condition that even neurologists are still studying at great depths!

The journey you and DH have embarked on isn't one that mainstream and you need to try and manage differently - forget mainstream parenting. Right now that isn't where you are

Charmatt · 26/12/2021 19:35

What type of epilepsy has your son been diagnosed with and what medication is he on?

Original poster

Twistedunicorn · 26/12/2021 19:46

@Charmatt he has myoclonic seizures and is on sodium volporate

OP posts:

starfishofbethlehem · 26/12/2021 19:58

You've got a young child with additional needs plus all the excitement of Christmas/being out of routine so cut yourself some slack!! For the time being maybe you need to reconsider things like visiting - our son is older now (also additional needs including epilepsy) but when he was small we kept visits short, even at Xmas, and made sure we were home for his bed time.

Charmatt · 26/12/2021 19:59

You didn't ruin it at all, but your husband is in danger of ruining his son but not giving him boundaries.

My advice is to make sure understand what his seizures look like and to ensure they watch out for them, but there is no reason he can't get back to nursery as soon as they open again. You all need normality and that's the first step.

Your dh needs to have an expectation of behaviour for him. That will help too. You need to give yourself permission to be fed up with your days behaviour too!

Sodium validate is very effective at controlling myoglobin seizures so, hopefully the doctors will find the right dose for him. However, watch out for the tiredness it brings. If his behaviour goes down hill because he's tired, you should listen to that and take him home to bed.

Tiredness would likely be a trigger for seizures so if your dh wants to cut him some slack then he needs to know when to take him home.

I hope things get on an even keel soon - sometimes it's tough having a child with a neurological condition.

Charmatt · 26/12/2021 20:01

*Ds's behaviour - not days behaviour!

Livebythecoast · 26/12/2021 20:03

@AutumnAlmanack

Maybe teach your child to behave more respectfully to its grandparents?

Is that really necessary? A mother who is struggling with her first Christmas without her Father, an unsupportive partner and a new diagnosis of epilepsy in her 3 year old son.

OP, you didn't ruin Christmas. You must be understandably stressed and 3 year olds are not performing seals. They get overwhelmed, tired and don't always act how we would like them to. This is no reflection on you as a mother. Please do not be so hard on yourself and I sincerely hope you and your son get support through this difficult time and I wish you the very best

maryzx · 26/12/2021 20:07

OP, anyone who has had children knows that they can have days when they're quite horrid. Nobody will judge you for it, and nobody will think you ruined Christmas. Any half sane grandparent would just feel for you.

I can't believe you have been expected to WFH with your son around, though. It is impossible to do anything at all with small children around. I wonder slightly if his tantrumming and climbing on you once he has you captive is in any way related to the difficult situation you have both been in - you feeling frustrated by not being able to work when you presumably need to (rather than want to), and your son feeling frustrated because your attention is elsewhere for large chunks of time (and even just five minutes feels like an eternity to children of that age).
On top of that, he is very small to be dealing with a neurological condition too.

I am not saying that to blame you - more as a way to say that your husband ought to be doing more with you as a team to help your son through this period. Though I know it's easier said than done, especially once the pattern of you doing everything has become entrenched.

Bunnycat101 · 26/12/2021 20:20

I think you were utterly mad to attempt taking a 3yo somewhere for the evening on Christmas Day when they’ve had all the build up and excitement. My 2 year old was done by 6 and was utterly exhausted. There is no way she’d have sat down nicely for a dinner: she barely ate anything at lunch.

Your expectations of him were totally out of whack especially as he’s on medication and seemingly having issues sleeping. He will have been overtired and dealing with new medication.

Airyfairymarybeary · 26/12/2021 20:46

Of course you bloody didn’t!!! I spent the evening at the in laws with an over tired and excited 3yo! It was hard. Me and oh tag teamed entertaining him and left when it was bed time because we are a team.
Why couldn’t your oh of helped out?

girlmom21 · 26/12/2021 21:34

@AutumnAlmanack

Maybe teach your child to behave more respectfully to its grandparents?

A 3 year old on new medication whose excited because it's Christmas? Nice try.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 27/12/2021 10:29

Why is your husband not working? And why are you responsible for looking after your son whilst simultaneously trying to work, if your husband isn't working? As an employer, I'd struggle to tolerate such a situation tbh.

Regarding Xmas day, why could you not just go home and your husband stay longer?

And finally, is your husband speaking to you in such a way the norm? No way in this world would I accept being spoken to like that. I'd direct my husband to be going out of his way to make sure Christmas was as trouble free as possible if it were the first since I'd lost a parent, as I'd do for him.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/12/2021 12:28

When are you back at work?

Can you suggest you will do night get ups and your husband is doing day time to allow you to work?

3scape · 27/12/2021 12:34

Its very difficult for children to keep a lid on their excitement or even discomfort at a busy family event. Probably not helped by palpable tension from the expectation of your DH to just 'enjoy' it. I'm not very familiar with Christ màs but I generally get the idea it's only for fun and laughs if you don't have children. Adults are supposed to put the effort in for the eldest and youngest. He seems like a wanker really, three year olds don't magically change their behaviour if the situation stays the same.

Freddiefox · 27/12/2021 12:35

I don’t think you ruined Christmas at all, and I bet you in laws were just glad to spend time with you.

I Remember ds one Christmas, he was awful, but he’s 10 now and it’s barely a memory now.

It’s all part of Christmas.

Holly60 · 27/12/2021 12:41

@FusionChefGeoff

If you're really worried why don't you send a quick text saying you hope his behaviour wasn't too much and that you are looking forward to more relaxed Christmases when he's older with a smiley - so a sort of apology but not really as it's not your fault a 3 year old was a dick - it comes with the territory!

I think this is a great idea. I can imagine your PILs will be worrying thinking you didn’t enjoy yourself and wondering what else they could have done to help you (that would be me

) so a little text showing that you don’t blame them would probably really make them feel better.

onedayoranother · 27/12/2021 12:42

You can't work from home and look after a young child at the same time! You are either working or looking after him.
And no you didn't ruin Christmas, your son and partner did. And Christmas isn't just 'all about the kids'. I have kids too but it's a day for me as well. I think you are at risk of spoiling him - he needs to be able to entertain himself and not hang on to you, but not so you can work, but so you are able to have a meal and be with other adults at the same time.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2021 12:48

@onedayoranother

You can't work from home and look after a young child at the same time! You are either working or looking after him. And no you didn't ruin Christmas, your son and partner did. And Christmas isn't just 'all about the kids'. I have kids too but it's a day for me as well. I think you are at risk of spoiling him - he needs to be able to entertain himself and not hang on to you, but not so you can work, but so you are able to have a meal and be with other adults at the same time.

You do realise that her DC really shouldn't be left on his own at the moment? Ignoring the fact that he's only 3

BorryMum · 27/12/2021 12:57

@Twistedunicorn just wanted to say my son had the same diagnosis and medication aged 8. You've had a rough time, don't underestimate the amount of stress and tiredness you are feeling too. Mix that up with Xmas and the at no wonder he was unsettled and not himself. Things will calm down and you will start to get used to it, be kind to yourself and I think you were right to want to go home early. Perhaps your DH is finding it hard too and trying to keep things how they used to be? We all deal with it differently. You are doing a great job in difficult circumstances

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