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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to move away

40 replies

Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 14:03

So a bit of a back story, I live in a very small village outside of a very small town with very little to do and very limited opportunities work wise. Everyone knows everyone and went to school together etc.
I've lived here since the age of 11 and I'm now nearly 30. Everyone I used to be close with has moved away from the area and I now have no one o would call a close friend left in the area.
I've been wanting to move away from here for around 4 years now but I have 2 small children (5&3) and a long term partner.
I have brought it up to my partner on a few occasions but I know he really doesn't want to move away he enjoys the quiet life and his family live here, he's got a stable job etc.
We also have moved to a really nice new house recently which we all love but it's just not in the right place for me.
I've pushed through living here the last few years because I know my partner doesn't want to move, he doesn't like change, but in the past 2 years it has taken a toll on my mental health, I feel like I'm just watching my life pass me by, like I'm just waiting it out and it gets me do depressed and anxious, especially in the winter months it really gets me down. I'm bored all the time. The only thing to do is walk the dog, read a book or have a drink.
Drinking really doesn't agree with me, so I've recently decided to go tee-total and I know I'm going to find that so difficult living here as there is nothing pleasurable to do to pass the time.
Where I live is very remote and we only have one car, so I feel like I'm trapped in the house a lot of the time.
I want to live somewhere that's easy to get around, can walk to a shop of you need a pint of milk, walking distance to a gym, stuff for the kids to do, shops, cafes, easy to go for a day out with the kids. Able to walk to and from the school, have options of where to work rather than just having to stay in your workplace because there are no other options.
I've been looking at houses and job opportunities in other places and I feel like I'd be so much happier somewhere else.
At the same time I feel so selfish to expect my whole family to uproot themselves and unsettle everyone just for me as I am the only one that's struggling.
Also if my partner doesn't want to come I couldn't bare the thought of trying to commute the kids between us.
I don't know what to do. I wish I could just be happy here but I've tried and it's not working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 16:15

Boost..
Would really appreciate anyone else's input.
Have you been in this situation or similar before?

OP posts:
CherryAndAlmond · 26/12/2021 16:21

Have you explained, properly and frankly, to your DP? I couldn't live like that, it would be slow soul death.
By moving somewhere more vibrant you would be opening up many opportunities for your kids. Could you approach it with your DP from that angle?

Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 16:32

I have in the past, but I am planning on bringing it up again. Just trying to find a good time as I didn't want to ruin the festivities.
I am also scared to death of moving, what if things don't fall into place the way they have in my head and I get homesick.
I can't imagine I would get homesick but I guess it's a possibility.

OP posts:
CherryAndAlmond · 26/12/2021 16:45

How far would you have to go to get what you need? Is there any kind of compromise? Eg a busy town an hour away from where you are now might be better than going five hours away to an enormous city.

Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 16:46

Thank you for your reply. I will try to angle it that way. He may just genuinely not understand how deeply I feel about this decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 16:58

Yeah I'd be looking to move 2 to 3 hours drive away. We are very rural there is nothing here for miles.
I can see his family might have a problem with it but they hardly visit us as it is, maybe once every 3 months if that.

OP posts:
Herani · 26/12/2021 17:15

I’ve been in a similar position before OP and decided to move. Depending upon your beliefs, you only get one life and I think you are entitled to live it in a way that brings you some satisfaction. It’s a bit like the old saying about someone on their deathbed never wishing they had spent more time at the office. Life is for living and it doesn’t sound like you’re being unrealistic i.e. wanting to chuck it all in and escape to Paris. You just want to live in a place where there is more to do and see more of the world.
Good luck OP. People will adjust, no one will die because of the decision. You are entitled to have a say in how you want to live your life and if your DH really loves you, he’ll adjust to what you need. He might be a bit nervous about it, depending on what he’s like, but perhaps it’s time for you to have a shared adventure, even if it’s just a couple of hours down the road.

notagainnotagain · 26/12/2021 17:31

Driving lessons and a second car would be cheaper than moving. You may feel less trapped if you can get out and about.

How rural are you? Are you talking Highlands and Islands rural or somewhere with a city / big town within an hours drive?

MrzClaus · 26/12/2021 17:42

"You are entitled to have a say in how you want to live your life and if your DH really loves you, he’ll adjust to what you need."

Surely the same could be said about the OP?

I think the best bet would be a deep discussion, but honestly I don't think it's fair to uproot everyone for a decision you don't seem 100% sure about in your posts.

It sounds like you've created a dreamy lifestyle in your head - local walking to schools, days out everywhere, local shops - that you don't have in your rural area, and this is what you're aiming to move for. There's no guarantee this will happen wherever you go!

StoneofDestiny · 26/12/2021 18:22

If you don't like where you live after nearly 20 years you won't change your mind now. Sounds like you've suffered enough. However, if your income is dependant on your partners job, you might struggle if he can't get employment elsewhere. Has he tried?
A long talk is needed about your future together.

Roselilly36 · 26/12/2021 18:28

We made that move this year, we lived in a small town, nothing for teens. We relocated to a city, 2.5hrs away, the best & (for us the bravest thing we ever did!). Do it OP.

Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 18:29

I have my license already but I'm not a confident driver, I only drive if I have to. Although even if I could drive anywhere anytime it's still hours in a car to get anywhere interesting from here.
I don't think I've created anything dreamy in my head I just want to feel a little less stranded and like I'm always depending on someone else to be able to get anywhere or do anything.
Like I said I knew OH didn't want to move away which is why we've stayed put for the past 4 years (8 in total) but I feel like it's at least worth a shot at trying somewhere new.
I understand it's a lot to ask and I do feel guilty, I wish I could be happy here and I have tried my hardest but I'm not.

OP posts:
Herani · 26/12/2021 18:34

@MrzClaus

"You are entitled to have a say in how you want to live your life and if your DH really loves you, he’ll adjust to what you need."

Surely the same could be said about the OP?

I think the best bet would be a deep discussion, but honestly I don't think it's fair to uproot everyone for a decision you don't seem 100% sure about in your posts.

It sounds like you've created a dreamy lifestyle in your head - local walking to schools, days out everywhere, local shops - that you don't have in your rural area, and this is what you're aiming to move for. There's no guarantee this will happen wherever you go!

If the OP has been unhappy with the place for almost 20yrs - yes. It’s not like she hasn’t given it a go and I’m sure if my DH was so bored and unhappy, I’d adjust because we’re a team. If fact, I did adjust when he had to work abroad. That’s compromise if one person is unhappy.
wastingtimeagain · 26/12/2021 18:35

Move. Its clearly slowly destroying you to live there.

Move and start living again.

wastingtimeagain · 26/12/2021 18:36

It sounds like you've created a dreamy lifestyle in your head - local walking to schools, days out everywhere, local shops - that you don't have in your rural area, and this is what you're aiming to move for. There's no guarantee this will happen wherever you go!

This isn't dreamy! This is normal life for most people!

Caramellatteplease · 26/12/2021 18:41

Did you not discuss this when you recently moved? Do you own or rent?

I think the dreamy ideal you have in your head and the reality of what you want to do might be very different. I'm not sure just do it is responsible or appropriate to say just do it. You really do both of you need to be on board

For example if your ex really isnt on board are you prepared to split up over it? What if your ex says well off you go but the kids have a settled stable life close to family here so I'll go for primary residency.

I'm not saying this is going to happen but you need to have a jolly good think about all the potential impacts of what your thinking about, not just the good.

Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 18:42

Congratulations! I'm so glad it was the right decision for you all! I just feel like continuing to live here isn't really living at all. We're doing the same thing day in day out and life is just passing us by.

OP posts:
negomi90 · 26/12/2021 18:47

Is there a nearby town you can move to as a compromise. (where the secondary school is). Somewhere you can walk to shops and pubs and restaurants but is still local and won't affect your partner's work.

RobinPenguins · 26/12/2021 18:53

It sounds like you've created a dreamy lifestyle in your head - local walking to schools, days out everywhere, local shops - that you don't have in your rural area, and this is what you're aiming to move for. There's no guarantee this will happen wherever you go!

I disagree with this. Being able to walk to local shops and to and from primary school is the norm in most towns and cities and isn’t too much to ask for.

Of course it might come with downsides (more traffic/pollution, more people) but that’s the trade off and you will need to weigh these up against the positives. For me, I couldn’t live somewhere like where you live now, it sounds really stifling.

Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 18:53

I really don't think my idea of moving to more populated place is dreamy or unrealistic.
If I was saying I want to chuck the bags in the car and head to another country (which would also be lovely) then yes that is dreamy and unrealistic. I just want to live somewhere that has choices...

OP posts:
reginacoeli · 26/12/2021 18:54

How about researching some job opportunities elsewhere OP, apply for them and then talk to your DP about what kind of job you might accept, how you as a family might be able to accommodate you getting a new job like that etc... Just take initiative, take the first steps without seeking his agreement first, and then talk about it more concretely in regards to a specific ambition of yours (or something for the kids maybe?)

LonginesPrime · 26/12/2021 19:01

I did it 10 years ago - don't regret it for a second.

That said, I had a new job lined up before I moved and planned it well in advance.

If your DH doesn't want to move, I think you have to weigh up which situation would be worse - living with him where you are, or passing the DC between you and moving somewhere less rural.

Given that you're already married to someone who wants to stay put, it doesn't seem realistic that you'll be able to have the perfect scenario of teleporting your whole family and life to somewhere new with everyone being as happy as you might be there - it sounds like you're going to have to decide what's most important to you and make some tough compromises.

MrzClaus · 26/12/2021 19:15

I made the dreamy comment meaning that your expectations of moving are based on some very small things that you seem to be basing everything around - will these things be worth the disruption / uprooting of your life / your families life? Can your DP get another job several hours away? Is your family willing to trade what you have now, for a busier / more built up lifestyle and area?

"I feel like I'm just watching my life pass me by"

And do you think this feeling of life passing by / the feeling of not having close friends / being bored will be solved by be able to walk to school / shops?

I'm genuinely asking this, do you think perhaps not having any close friends / hobbies could be impacting life more than walking to schools? What life do you think you'll be living by moving?

Original poster
Amiayoungmumtho · 26/12/2021 19:22

I have been looking at job opportunities and there are lots a vacancies in my line of work, there's a national shortage actually.
OH works for a company which he would be able to transfer to another branch.
I've looked at accommodation also and there's a few places that are within budget and in decent areas, close to primary schools and potential workplaces.
I have really done my research believe me.
If he is unwilling to try living somewhere new for a period of time, I honestly don't know what I will do. I'll probably just stay here and stay depressed I don't know if I could do it on my own.

OP posts:
mildtomoderate · 26/12/2021 19:24

Is it Norfolk? I died a slow death there in my teens and twenties. I live in Kent now and it's great. I'm less than an hour from London on the train. Nice town. Loads of cafes, shops etc within walking distance. Loads of places to go with the kids. Life is much better.