To be sad about this

Chicoryfairy · 2021-12-25T19:33:42+00:00

DH and I have a lovely DD aged five. I‘ve always wanted another one but for various reasons he doesn’t. It’s the main struggle in our relationship which I think is good otherwise. Our family was exchanging Christmas greetings on Whatsapp and our niece has just announced she’s expecting her second. We‘ve had a great Christmas but now I’m feeling so sad. I know I won’t get any support from DH since talking about it just makes him uncomfortable... 🙁

SheikhMaraca · 25/12/2021 19:42

What are his reasons?

Original poster

Chicoryfairy · 25/12/2021 20:06

He doesn’t want to do the baby stage again, is worried something might happen to me in pregnancy, and is worried having another child may have a negative impact on our family (we have a nephew with severe ASD and I know that is on his mind). So all valid reasons really... I just have this strong desire to have another baby and pregnancy announcements always hit me hard.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/12/2021 20:28

Well it sounds like you actually need to sit down and discuss it. Not today, obvs.

BooksAndGin · 25/12/2021 20:39

Think you unfortunately need to accept he doesn't want another child and you need to make a choice wether to accept that or leave and have a child with someone else.
It's not easy.

Original poster

Chicoryfairy · 25/12/2021 20:42

Yes probably. Last time we spoke he got quite angry because we‘ve been to therapy about this earlier in the year and he thought I was over it. Don’t really know what else we can say about it that hasn’t been said.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chicoryfairy · 25/12/2021 20:49

@BooksAndGin

Think you unfortunately need to accept he doesn't want another child and you need to make a choice wether to accept that or leave and have a child with someone else. It's not easy.

Thank. Think you’re right. Wish I could flip a switch and be okay with it but still think about it every day. Leaving him would mean I wouldn’t see my DD every day and that’s not a price I‘m willing to pay

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 25/12/2021 20:52

If you aren’t over it you need to tell him. If desire for second is that strong then you need to consider splitting.
You can’t force him to have a second. You know his position what you do now is up to you.

SheikhMaraca · 26/12/2021 11:37

You need to consider splitting up imo.

This desire is perfectly normal and reasonable, it isn’t going to go away, however much you want it to.

I know the party line on mn is that people are perfectly reasonable to not want another DC for any reason, but I have to say I disagree.

If your DH really loved you, he would see how important this is for you and let your wishes take precedence. I don’t think I could stay with someone who deliberately stood in the way of something like this, knowing how much it would hurt me.

He doesn’t really seem to care how you feel, does he?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 26/12/2021 11:45

So you went to therapy so he could tell you that it is all resolved, you are 'over it' and that is that?

It doesn't really matter that his reasons are valid. They aren't your reasons and don't take any natural precedence in your life.

You say you couldn't deal with not seeing DD every day. But your posts suggest that this is festering inside you and needs to be further discussed, dealt with.

So yes, more therapy for you so you can clearly consider your options and come to a decision that is best for you.

ImmutableSexQueen · 26/12/2021 11:48

Therapy on your own. No more therapy with him.

Sux2Buthen · 26/12/2021 11:48

@SheikhMaraca

You need to consider splitting up imo.

This desire is perfectly normal and reasonable, it isn’t going to go away, however much you want it to.

I know the party line on mn is that people are perfectly reasonable to not want another DC for any reason, but I have to say I disagree.

If your DH really loved you, he would see how important this is for you and let your wishes take precedence. I don’t think I could stay with someone who deliberately stood in the way of something like this, knowing how much it would hurt me.

He doesn’t really seem to care how you feel, does he?

In general with having children if there's a 'no' that one should take precedence. There's enough children out there with unwilling parents

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 26/12/2021 11:50

Why didn't he like the baby stage? Most df's don't imo.

Ibane · 26/12/2021 11:53

@SheikhMaraca

You need to consider splitting up imo.

This desire is perfectly normal and reasonable, it isn’t going to go away, however much you want it to.

I know the party line on mn is that people are perfectly reasonable to not want another DC for any reason, but I have to say I disagree.

If your DH really loved you, he would see how important this is for you and let your wishes take precedence. I don’t think I could stay with someone who deliberately stood in the way of something like this, knowing how much it would hurt me.

He doesn’t really seem to care how you feel, does he?

That’s a remarkably stupid post. No child should be born into a familial situation without being wanted by both parents. This is a human life we’re talking about, not a choice of sofa colour or something where you could reasonably suggest one partner’s wishes be given precedence.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/12/2021 11:59

@SheikhMaraca

You cannot expect him to have a baby if he doesn't want one just because he loves OP. A baby is a lifelong commitment. Bringing a child you don't want into the world is a terrible thing to do.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 12:00

You need to go back to therapy alone and work out what you want. If my dh had said he didn't want a second, it would have been a dealbreaker for me. Him actually saying he didn't want a third I fot past quickly. Id have liked a third, but it wasnt a dealbreaker. A second certainly would have been as I felt very different about that.

inmyslippers · 26/12/2021 12:01

I think babies are not something to compromise on. If someone doesn't want a baby then there's no baby.

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/12/2021 12:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

PragmaticWench · 26/12/2021 12:03

Definitely therapy on your own. You don't have to be 'over it'.

Did you know prior to having DD that he only wanted one child? I wouldn't have had a child unless I knew my partner definitely wanted two as for me, a sibling for my child was essential (if possible).

HacerSonarSusPasos · 26/12/2021 12:04

@SheikhMaraca

What are his reasons?

Does it matter? He's entitled to not procreate for whatever reason. His reasons don't have to make sense to or be deemed good enough by anyone else but him.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 26/12/2021 12:07

@SheikhMaraca

You need to consider splitting up imo.

This desire is perfectly normal and reasonable, it isn’t going to go away, however much you want it to.

I know the party line on mn is that people are perfectly reasonable to not want another DC for any reason, but I have to say I disagree.

If your DH really loved you, he would see how important this is for you and let your wishes take precedence. I don’t think I could stay with someone who deliberately stood in the way of something like this, knowing how much it would hurt me.

He doesn’t really seem to care how you feel, does he?

If OP really loved her husband, she would see how important this is to him and would let his wishes take precedence.

See how stupid this all sounds?

Not to mention the ethics of bringing a child into the world who is not wanted by both parents and whose existence might be resented by one.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 26/12/2021 12:07

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Why didn't he like the baby stage? Most df's don't imo.

One of the reasons I only had 1 was because I hated the baby stage....my DD's DF, however, loved that stage.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 26/12/2021 12:11

@BooksAndGin

Think you unfortunately need to accept he doesn't want another child and you need to make a choice wether to accept that or leave and have a child with someone else. It's not easy.

Keep in mind that if they split, OP's daughter would bear the brunt of the consequences. Being shuffled between households, feeling out of place if OP goes on to marry and have babies with someone else, feeling she wasn't enough for her mother, etc.

That's an awful price to pay for OPs broodiness.

RandomMess · 26/12/2021 12:13

You need to explain it to him that you will be grieving over not having more for many years to come and if he will not emotionally support you through that then your marriage won't survive.

DH wanted no more and felt bad knowing it made me sad etc but I explained I wasn't doing it to make him feel guilty or change his mind but my feelings around our agreement were valid and I needed his compassion and support as I came to terms with it.

Crowdfundingforcake · 26/12/2021 12:19

Is this something you think is worth splitting your family over?

If you want another child does that mean finding someone to have another child with? Taking the time to:
Separate from your DH
Work out settlement and contact for your daughter.
Perhaps have to find a new home.
Find a good person who will make a decent father. And wants to be a father. And is prepared to be a good stepfather to your daughter.
Take time to get to know that person properly.
Assume you will conceive and have a healthy baby.
Assume your new relationship will last.

Or you could go it alone with a sperms donor and be a single parent of two.

Either option seem a bit extreme. Especially considering you feel you have a good relationship apart from this one issue.

Your Dh's reasons seem perfectly valid. Perhaps counselling on your own would be useful.

WomanStanleyWoman · 26/12/2021 12:38

@SheikhMaraca

You need to consider splitting up imo.

This desire is perfectly normal and reasonable, it isn’t going to go away, however much you want it to.

I know the party line on mn is that people are perfectly reasonable to not want another DC for any reason, but I have to say I disagree.

If your DH really loved you, he would see how important this is for you and let your wishes take precedence. I don’t think I could stay with someone who deliberately stood in the way of something like this, knowing how much it would hurt me.

He doesn’t really seem to care how you feel, does he?

I’m another one who thinks this is ridiculous advice. If one partner doesn’t want a child, of course they have to take precedence - you can’t force someone into creating life and taking responsibility for that person for at least 18 years. You say the OP should seriously consider splitting from her husband, but by your argument, she doesn’t have the capacity to make that decision; after all, couldn’t her husband respond ‘Well, I don’t want to split up; my feelings should take precedence. Why don’t you care about me?’ Would you be advocating that the OP stay in an unhappy marriage because of what it means to her husband?

You’ve also given zero thought to how the child will feel growing up if he or she senses their father didn’t really want them, or favours their older sibling. And what happens if the marriage breaks down (as it could well do if one party is forced into a having a child they don’t want)? Will the OP expect her ex to support a child he never wanted and only had to save his marriage? Would he even want to continue a relationship with that child, or would he blame him or her for the breakdown of the marriage?

Emotional issues aside, you haven’t even considered the practical aspects. The OP hasn’t specified her age, but she’s old enough to have a niece expecting her second child. You have no idea whether getting a divorce and finding someone else she loves enough to have a child with is realistic in biological terms.