Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be sad about this

35 replies

Chicoryfairy · 25/12/2021 19:33

DH and I have a lovely DD aged five. I‘ve always wanted another one but for various reasons he doesn’t. It’s the main struggle in our relationship which I think is good otherwise. Our family was exchanging Christmas greetings on Whatsapp and our niece has just announced she’s expecting her second. We‘ve had a great Christmas but now I’m feeling so sad. I know I won’t get any support from DH since talking about it just makes him uncomfortable... 🙁

OP posts:

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 26/12/2021 12:48

Ime men get the option of losing sleep during the early months. They hate that women are shattered and not up for sex...
Again ime.
Until I had dc with current dh. He did admittedly sleep through ds's crying as is scientifically a proven thing... But he helped massively at other times.

Siameasy · 26/12/2021 13:02

Work through it together, any emotions are allowed however unsavoury. You can get through it. For us I wanted a second DH didn’t. I’ve made my peace with it now. I’m really happy with one, really grateful. DSIL has announced her second pregnancy Im like good luck to you but no thanks!

Original poster

Chicoryfairy · 26/12/2021 15:09

@RandomMess

You need to explain it to him that you will be grieving over not having more for many years to come and if he will not emotionally support you through that then your marriage won't survive.

DH wanted no more and felt bad knowing it made me sad etc but I explained I wasn't doing it to make him feel guilty or change his mind but my feelings around our agreement were valid and I needed his compassion and support as I came to terms with it.

Thank you, I think this is the key point for me. Atm I feel like I‘m not allowed to have these feelings. Not being able to talk about it makes me feel very lonely. It’s great to hear your experience and know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chicoryfairy · 26/12/2021 15:10

@Siameasy

Great advice, thank you. I hope I can also get to a point where I‘m at peace with our decision.

OP posts:

ManicPixie · 26/12/2021 15:13

He has a right to not want another. If you family life is otherwise happy I think it’s be mad to break up over, but mumsnet’s gonna mumsnet…

Snoozer11 · 26/12/2021 15:16

@SheikhMaraca

You need to consider splitting up imo.

This desire is perfectly normal and reasonable, it isn’t going to go away, however much you want it to.

I know the party line on mn is that people are perfectly reasonable to not want another DC for any reason, but I have to say I disagree.

If your DH really loved you, he would see how important this is for you and let your wishes take precedence. I don’t think I could stay with someone who deliberately stood in the way of something like this, knowing how much it would hurt me.

He doesn’t really seem to care how you feel, does he?

Yeah. This is actually the most idiotic thing I have ever read on here.

Original poster

Chicoryfairy · 26/12/2021 15:17

I agree with those points. Want to make it clear that I value the DD I have over any hypothetical future children! We’re both 34 so still enough time I think (massive age gap between DH and his siblings, hence the niece expecting her second!), but am otherwise happy with the relationship and don’t want to upset my DD‘s life just to be pregnant again. But I‘m still finding this very difficult at times and need more emotional support.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chicoryfairy · 26/12/2021 15:19

@ImmutableSexQueen

Therapy on your own. No more therapy with him.

Yes, I think it’s becoming clear this will be necessary! Will try to arrange something in the new year.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/12/2021 15:20

Perhaps you need to point out to him what you need/want from him:

A cuddle/hug
An acknowledgment that you feel sad/emotional
Some comforting words about it will be ok.

Ibane · 26/12/2021 15:20

OP, best wishes. You have a right to take time and grieve roads not taken etc for yourself. It’s possible your DH experiences your (understandable) desire to do this grieving as guilt-tripping or emotional pressure, though, so it’s crucial you both find a way to work through your own different feelings, without blame, if you’re committed to remaining together.

Flip

1 2