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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Told to return gift as unwanted

62 replies

Ihavenoideawhereitis · 25/12/2021 18:29

For the second year my dm has told me she doesn't like what I bought her and I should return it or keep it for myself.
It's just rude isn't it? Why not just say thanks and keep it or give it to charity without telling me. This has annoyed me a lot. Does anyone else do this?
AIBU to be annoyed that she feels the need to tell me my gift was shit?

OP posts:

ChampagneLassie · 25/12/2021 20:05

My mum is exactly the same. I remember she got into aromatherapy and I bought her a book on it, she chastised me as she already had 2 books, why would she need another🤷‍♀️. I was 8. As an adult I stopped trying and I don't spend Christmas with them either as they're so miserable.

WhatScratch · 25/12/2021 20:06

It’s so rude to do that.

WhatScratch · 25/12/2021 20:06

’It's an aggressive act. If someone doesn't like your present they should take it to the charity shop on the quiet.’

Exactly

NeedAHoliday2021 · 25/12/2021 20:27

It’s basic manners I teach my dc - you get a gift you don’t like or it’s a duplicate you smile and say thank you (then we can sort it out later). Initial response is always one of gratitude. But mn shows me others approach this very differently and it’s totally normal for a dh not to buy his wife a Christmas gift. I’m not one of those wives. While I’m not hugely materialistic, a gift demonstrates how someone feels about you, even if they get it slightly wrong. The fact they took time to try is enough.

BashfulClam · 25/12/2021 20:31

Yep my mum turned up for dinner and handed me back m part of her gift saying she hated it, I also face her some glass decorations for her tree and she said she dropped them bc and broke them. Why tell me, I am doing the same in future with her gifts which are mostly tat!

Stompythedinosaur · 25/12/2021 20:33

I think that is very rude - even my 8yo knows that if you don't like a gift you still say thank you and quietly pass it on

SisterConcepta · 25/12/2021 20:49

Very rude. Put boundaries in place and get voucher next year. Never give people permission to be rude to you.

EssexLioness · 25/12/2021 20:49

I think it’s very rude of her. My sister often gets gifts I don’t like and I thank her and donate quietly. I love my sister and I know she tries really hard to get thoughtful presents, I am just difficult to buy for

Original poster

Ihavenoideawhereitis · 25/12/2021 20:58

I understand those who say that it is a waste of money to give an unwanted gift and that is why its being returned, but it's the wasted time that annoys me far more. I don't want to take it back to the shop. I don't want to waste time doing that or thinking about what I should replace it with etc. Its not hugely expensive, and if its unwanted then it's unwanted. Say thanks, or say nothing.
I am probably being unreasonable and childish, but it's Christmas day and I don't want to receive a message first thing which basically says your gift is shit, have it back.

OP posts:

dumplings1 · 25/12/2021 21:01

I can't believe how ungrateful some mothers are, I got one gift this year from my 19yr old son, I am extremely grateful that I got one, I wouldn't dream of giving it back.

Chunkymenrock · 25/12/2021 21:03

Agree to do no more presents for each other. Pointless.

MabelMoo23 · 25/12/2021 21:04

My Mum and my Dad did this to me on separate occasions this year. My Mum last Christmas and my Dad for his birthday this year. Both of them said what I bought wasn’t really to their style and so took them back to the respective shops and exchanged for something else.

Yes I was a bit disappointed that I hadn’t got it right, but I would be so upset if I found out they’d taken a present I’d spent a lot of money on to a charity shop.

I’d much rather they exchanged it and still had a gift from me.

Aderyn21 · 25/12/2021 21:05

I think this is so rude. Even if the motivation is to save the giver from wasting their money, what's more important, the wasted money or the hurt feelings of someone who tried to do a thoughtful thing?
I can see why, if a present cost a lot of money, the recipient might want a gift not to be wasted but there are ways of going about things that are gentle and tactful. You don't just give something back and say you don't want it. When did people decide that manners aren't important any more?

AliveAndSleeping · 25/12/2021 21:11

If it was anyone else I'd be hurt it offended but not with my mum. I expect her to be (brutally) honest and I can be the same to her. If it was my mum shed worry about me spending money on something she doesn't want or can't use or maybe she just doesn't want me to spend money on her. It depends on your relationship otherwise bit it's not necessarily something nasty.

AliveAndSleeping · 25/12/2021 21:13

@Ihavenoideawhereitis

I understand those who say that it is a waste of money to give an unwanted gift and that is why its being returned, but it's the wasted time that annoys me far more. I don't want to take it back to the shop. I don't want to waste time doing that or thinking about what I should replace it with etc. Its not hugely expensive, and if its unwanted then it's unwanted. Say thanks, or say nothing. I am probably being unreasonable and childish, but it's Christmas day and I don't want to receive a message first thing which basically says your gift is shit, have it back.

Can't you tell them that? If they can be honest can't you as well?

Fimofriend · 25/12/2021 21:14

My dad told me that if I was going to buy him cheap tat for £5 for Christmas he would prefer I didn't bother at all. I asked when I had done that. "For his birthday this year" was the reply. .....Hmmm yeah, that cost a bit more .... like closer to £40 but he never goes shopping so he has no clue what things cost. He doesn't give me a wish list and we do not live in the same country so it is not exactly easy to find gifts for him. He doesn't want clothes, tools, or decorative items. He is not interested in music or films. He no longer does gardening. He acts interested in the books I give him but then doesn't read them. I am very tempted to take him up on his offer of not exchanging gifts.

RandomUsernameHere · 25/12/2021 21:20

I wouldn't mind this at all, my DMum told me (very nicely) that the present I got her for her birthday wasn't something she would really use, so I returned it. It was nearly £200 so I'm glad she didn't just give it away! We have a very open relationship, I would do the same if I was given something I didn't like. It's better than wasting it. It's a bit different with someone you don't know very well, but with people you're very close to it's better to be honest.

RandomUsernameHere · 25/12/2021 21:21

@CoastalWave

It's your mum.

Anyone else, I would say that's rude. If your own MUM can't tell you, there's a problem!

She's trying to save you money. You sound like if she had given it to charity, you'd be pissed off with that as well (looking for the present, not seen it, where is it etc)

Completely agree

Auntielateralflow · 25/12/2021 21:27

Just suggest that going forward you won’t be exchanging gifts
I don’t understand why more people don’t do it, saves all the angst

StoneofDestiny · 25/12/2021 22:16

Yes it's unnecessarily hurtful.
I'd take it back and leave a gift out next year - or just get food treats.

Marvellousmadness · 25/12/2021 22:32

You obviously don't know her taste/interests and should have just stuck with that one present she asked for

Yummiliscious · 25/12/2021 22:44

My Nan used to do this. I think it was a generation thing, she was very practical, she wouldn’t understand todays attitude of buying lots of crap for the some of buying something. if she wasn’t going to use it she would rather you got your money back or used it yourself. She was home bound so couldn’t be going around dropping off to charity shops. She also felt the need to be brutally honest. I would have just bought her exactly what she had asked for.

CaddieDawg · 26/12/2021 07:58

It's all about how it's done more than the exchanging/returning of gifts. My Mum would occasionally do this, but always bring it up carefully on boxing Day or the day after and say something like, it's lovely but I probably wouldn't use it, would you mind if we returned it and I got X or Y instead? She would never do it with non close relatives so often boxing day onwards I'd get a smelly set/pyjamas etc that she didn't like or we'd swap a box of chocs for anothers, with the giver having not a clue. Bringing it up on Christmas morning is just heartless imo.

mdh2020 · 26/12/2021 08:59

We buy my mother a lot of books and DVDs and we are just used to the fact that she will read (or part read) and watch once and then give them back. My DiL buys very expensive gifts that I never want but I regift them usually to my BF.

Original poster

Ihavenoideawhereitis · 26/12/2021 09:59

I've told her to keep it or charity it as it can't be returned etc, but she will probably dump it on my doorstep like she did last years present and tell me to use it myself.

For those saying agree not to exchange gifts, this is what I have tried before. I told my dm and ds and dB that we wont do Christmas gifts anymore and that we will donate to charity or whatever and we don't want anything ourselves. I told them all well in advance and everyone agreed. Then two days before Christmas my dm turned up with presents from everyone. So that I looked like an arse. So I had to go out and buy last minute gifts for them all.

Sorry to all on this thread who also get told their gifts are crap and unwanted x

OP posts:

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