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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bloody mother

55 replies

Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 10:47

My darling mother. I could start other threads about her awful abusive behaviour, selfish bullshit and DARVO that have gone on through my entire life but today its just a Christmas rant.

I had a childhood of battlefield bigamists Christmases, grew up hating the season and ditched doing it when I was about 18. Since having DC I do Christmas and its a merry time. This year, I have invited my DM for lunch, and after years of her spending it with my cowbag cousin & her closeted DH she said yes so is coming here. She can drive but refuses to (because of Covid Hmm) so my lovely DH is driving a 100+ mile round trip to get her, and I will take her home this evening.

We are all vaccinated. Everyone at my house have taken LFTs all week, ahead of her visit because she is terrified of Covid. We are all clear. My DM has been grocery shopping, to see family, the hairdressers, went to a party at a neighbours yesterday so I asked her to take an LFT, she said fine, she has them in her house but hasn't done one before.

I've just called her to let her know DH is on his way and she hasn't taken a test. She refuses. She has boxes of them but wont use them. She says it will make her gag & she doesn't like it (awww diddums). She says she feels fine and the neighbour is a doctor so won't have covid HmmHmm.

DH hasn't seen his own DM in over a year, he's supposed to drive 300 miles on Boxing Day to visit her. DC birthday is later this week. If DH is sick our livelihood is in jeopardy, while DM is retired. My Darling mother doesn't give a shit about any of that, its all about her. As fucking always. Nobody else in the world matters at all.

She says she feels fine, won't take the test and is now refusing to come if I insist. The food is done, I've bought her a gift to unwrap (she won't have got me anything, she never does). She doesn't give a fuck does she? DH is almost at her house. WIBU to phone the selfish obstinate cow and tell her to just take 2 minutes out of her life to do a tiny fucking test or spend Christmas on her bloody own?

OP posts:
Quarantino · 25/12/2021 11:15

If she hasn't done a LFT before, yet is mixing as usual, she clearly doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Assume she's infectious if she doesn't want to prove otherwise, and act as you would.

LaBellina · 25/12/2021 11:18

I wasn’t meaning to criticize you op Smile.
I have a horrible DM and I understand how hard it is. But I think at some point you have to accept that they won’t change and treating people with the respect that they usually demand for themselves isn’t something they’re capable of. My mother tried to start a fight again with me 2 days ago and I have gone NC with her because I’m tired of how she tried to ruin Christmas for me again this year. And I wouldn’t let it happen so I had to do what’s best for me.
At some point you have to draw a line, I don’t necessarily mean NC, but let them know they can’t keep crossing boundaries.
A friend of mine said it very well, you wouldn’t eat poison so why would you keep spending time and energy on toxic people that are poison for your mind.

Lammysaurus · 25/12/2021 11:19

If you think she might be genuinely afraid to take the test/confused about how to do it, could you get her on zoom, skype, videoconference etc. and walk her through it/be there for her in case she panics? Even just over the phone might work

You'd have been more than reasonable not to invite her in the first place or to demand she take the test before your H set off. But at this point the least disruptive thing might be for her to take the test now and to go with your H or stay home based on the results.

Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 11:24

@Quarantino got it in one. She gives no fucks about anyone else, never has.

I've just spoken to DH. He is a wonderful man and the thought that she gives no fucks about him, her GC or my MIL (who is the best MIL ever) has really pissed me off. I've told DH it is his call. He is always very reasonable and good, level headed unlike me Grin. DH is almost at her house and said he is going to help her take the test and wait for the result before they get in the car. She is always putty with him, because he is lovely and he'll say it in such a way that she can't argue. Well done my DH!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 11:25

she doesn't have facetime, zoom or anything, no internet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 11:28

I'm sorry to hear you have a similar DM @LaBellina, and everyone else who has a difficult parent.

We were NC for 5 years because of her toxic DARVO nonsense. I can handle her pretty well these days, she doesn't get to me at all but this really has. She's reminded me of exactly who she is.

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 25/12/2021 11:35

What a star of a dh.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 25/12/2021 11:39

Sadly OP I think this is your fault, You know what she is like yet you still wanted her over, Your DH must be a complete saint to ruin his day driving all that way there and back for someone you dislike,who dislikes you too yet he is doing it all for you, Non of this would have been any issue if you hadnt invited her in the first place, Sorry.

Mamamamasaurus · 25/12/2021 11:43

One thing that jumped out at me - she's 'terrified of Covid' but has been jaunting about all over the place. She's full of shit OP, she tells you she's terrified of Covid but happily pops to the hairdresser? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Next year - no invite - no headache!

sonjadog · 25/12/2021 11:56

Could you try to read through your own post as if it was written by someone else? Because what comes across foremost is, why on earth have you invited her?!

Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 11:56

DH is a saint, I was going to get her but he said we'd share the driving, as I've done all the shopping and cooking this year (we usually share the load but he's been overrun at work). I'm going this evening so he can drink at lunch.

If she comes I'll take her home about 6ish so I can get stuck into the gin this evening.

Despite her lousy track record we all wanted her to visit, me, DH, the DC. She might be a giant PITA but leaving her sat on her own on Christmas day when nobody else invited her is still unkind. She's old, she's scared, but DH has my back and knows how to handle her nonsense so it'll work out one way or another.

Not heard from DH yet, but yes he is a star.

OP posts:
Iamnotminterested · 25/12/2021 12:00

As others have pointed out, she can't be that bloody scared if she's been shopping/going to the hairdressers/ to a party etc Hmm

Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 12:07

No she isn't that scared. This today is all about control. But its backfired on her, clearly.

Thanks so much to you all, you've helped me put this into proper perspective and put her back in the box marked "nutter" in my head so I can deal with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 12:11

I mean she isn't scared of passing it onto us. She's scared of Covid generally but is so perfect at everything she will only get it through other people's lack of care and attention, not her own. She's a headfuck.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 25/12/2021 12:11

You sound very kind and forgiving. Something she clearly sees as weakness instead of a gift as most of us normal people would. Which means she has the mindset of an abuser.

Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 12:20

she does.

I see her like everyone else though, a mix of things. People are complicated, and life isn't a straight line. When I think of her behaviour as a product of her life and choices, and of stuff going on in her own head rather than deliberately planned to hurt me and not take her nonsense personally she's a lot easier to deal with.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 25/12/2021 12:26

You have clearly grown very strong against what was and is done to you by her and I admire your strength. If you don’t take it personal it is a lot easier I imagine. Still, I would draw a line and say no test no visit.
This time it’s not only about your mental health but also your fysical health. If that means she’s alone at Christmas, is the consequence of HER choices. She’s the unreasonable one, not you.

Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 12:34

thanks @LaBellina.

I handle her fine usually but she put DH and his trip to see MiL at risk over such a tiny thing, my DH is my achilles heel.

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 25/12/2021 12:40

I feel for you @Cockwomblingfree

Despite you having an abusive mother and knowing it, you still sound in a state of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. If you weren't, you wouldn't have invited her in the first place.

She's not going to change. Ever. So it's time for you to take off those rose tinted glasses that she's going to turn into mother of the year at Christmas when the reality is, she's abusive, controlling, manipulative.

Sadly, I speak from experience. My own mother (and father) were physically, emotionally and mentally abusive throughout my entire childhood and beyond. I was entrenched, drowning in FOG until I had a breakdown about a decade ago. Coming out of that period included intense therapy which made me realise she was never going to change, so I had to completely alter my expectations of her.

It's hard to let go as it's all we've ever known, but accepting that she is not a good mother, nor is she the mother you deserve and changing what you expect from her to nothing, will stand you in good stead for the future.

Oh, and next year, don't invite her. Have a drama free Christmas with people who love and value you Flowers

LaBellina · 25/12/2021 12:48

And I can see why, he sounds lovely and selfless. Exactly the kind of person she would take advantage of, sadly.

Original poster
Cockwomblingfree · 25/12/2021 12:55

If anything I invited her because I'm free of the FOG, and I have a DH who has my back.

When I could not cope with her no way on earth would I have invited her. And Covid brings things into sharp focus for families doesn't it.

DH made her do a test. She came out of the house to meet him at the car and he span her round back into her house to do the test. Ignored the protest. Love him.

She did it. All clear. She'll be fine now, she didn't get anywhere with either of us by acting up and threatening not to come so will be sweetness and light.

DH is laughing, told her she has to live in the world and can spread it like anyone, she doesn't get a free pass.

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 25/12/2021 12:59

What is with people holding others to ransom re tests this year?! Total dick move by her. She sounds dreadful in general

NorthSouthcatlady · 25/12/2021 12:59

@Cockwomblingfree PS your DH sounds great

LaBellina · 25/12/2021 13:07

Good that she gave in and did the test.
I hope the rest of your Christmas is pleasant.
Happy Christmas @Cockwomblingfree 🎄🥰✨

Icebreaker99 · 25/12/2021 13:10

I've told DH it is his call.

I really don't think that's fair, she sounds like a utter cow and I'm not sure why you invited her. Your DH sounds lovely, I can imagine it's very hard having a mother like that but it was your decision to invite her and should be your decision or a joint one to whether she still comes, you've shifted the responsibility on to your very kind DH.

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